3 hours late for work!

[Nikitasol]

So, having been up for two hours in the night with my screaming teething one year old, while my partner slept through in our bedroom, I woke up late this morning to the doorbell going. It was 9.45am and my dad (who has the baby one day a week while I'm working) was at the door. He'd been ringing the door and the phone since 9am and I was so exhausted I didm't hear either.

As I rushed to the door, with the baby and me both in pajamas, i stepped in a pile of cat shit on the stairs. Leaving that, I rushed to get the baby ready for my dad, the baby had a full nappy and whilst taking it off him, he managed to step in it and walk poo all round the carpet in his bedroom. I clean up both sets of shit.

I then have to make breakfast, lunch and dinner all at the same time for the baby as my darling partner has used up all the food I'd made for the baby in the fridge, and not made any more to replace it. I get myself dressed and then bf the baby and sort him and my dad out.

I then rush off to get the bus. I arrive at work and am 3 hours late (I can do flexi time, so no one is going to kill me, but I still have to make the hours up somewhere).

I text my partner crossly about not waking me up this morning, and he can't see what the problem is. He says you obviously needed the sleep. Well, thanks so much for being considerate. It totally ruined my morning. And where's my lie in at the weekend when you're around?!!!

My partner is a helpful and loving dad, but it's stuff like this that makes me want to just put a pillow over his face when he's asleep. AIBU to be cross about the SNAFU of a morning and the fact that he doesn't get why I'm angry?? I can just imagine that he had a nice quiet breakfast this morning with coffee and Talksport before going off to work, whilst I literally had to deal with a shitstorm.

After a year of things like this, I am feeling really unloving towards him and like I've just had enough of him. I know on the major scale of things, this isn't the toughest thing that life could throw at me, but it's the constant grind of these little things that make me want to book a ticket to South America and disappear for good.

Tell me it'll get better?!!!

I think letting you sleep when he knows you work flexibly is not the worst crime. However rating food for the baby (not purée I hope!) and not sharing lie-ins at the weekend are unacceptable. It is very hard when someone has good qualities but is behaving like an entitled shit when it comes to childcare/responsibilities.

Eating, not rating

You say your parent is a 'helpful and loving dad' - when? when is he these things? because if he doesn't care that his baby has no food made and he doesn't let the mother of his baby have a lie in at the weekend and look after the baby while she does why do you think he is?

Tell him it is not okay to go on this way, say you don't want to go on this way- what would he say?

It will get better, but why are you taking the additional responsibility of a cat when you don't need to?

Tell him exactly that he gets a lie in on Saturday, and you get a lie in on Sunday. No discussion. He has to pull his weight.

We're looking after the cat for his auntie while she's away. so a lesson learned there. Don't get a cat of our own!

On the other stuff... the thing is that he's better and more articulate at explaining why he's out more, or busier, or can't do something, or needs a lie in himself, and although i'm usually articulate and intelligent, I'm so tired and emotional, I can never properly verbalise what the problems are for me, and why we need to do something about them. So I end up coming across as overly emotional, or grumpy and irrational or whatever even though I do feel like I'm right.

Ultimately I am starting to realise that he thinks he's made loads of change and sacrifices in his life, but that it's only in comparison to what he did before (he's a musician, so was away often before and also before I met him), so it's still not a huge amount of change in terms of availability. But he seems to think I'm being unreasonable about not being able to go to the studio til all hours or off gigging for the weekend whilst I'm literally left holding the baby

Maybe you could try writing him a letter about how you are feeling? Then you can avoid getting upset and he will have to read it all before responding. He does sound like he is being a bit of an arse.

I dont understand why, if your dad minds the baby a day a week,and today was that day, why he couldnt just take the baby off you and let you get yourself ready for work.

Is he not capableof doing the nappy/dressed/meals? Then youcould have just done a quick bf before you left?

Because my dad is getting on a bit ThinkIveBeenHacked, so the deal is that I get it the baby ready for him and the food etc so he can look after him with only minimal nappy changes, and not have to worry about what to feed him as it's all ready. It's free childcare so I want to make it as easy for him as possible.

I am starting to wonder about whether we should go and do some couples counselling actually. I feel like we're on the same hymn sheet more or less with the big stuff i.e. morals, not hitting, education and so on, but the little things are the things which we seem to (constantly) argue about (chores/money etc) and are now becoming the big things.

Counselling sounds like a plan. It's the little things that wear us down.

I would also make it plain that not hearing the doorbell for 45 minutes is clearly a sign of exhaustion, and that you need more sleep. Therefore he will have to do more to enable you to sleep.

Oh and I'd recommend the Marriage Course if there's one running near you. Might be a bit less intimidating than counselling, and free!

When you say he's a musician, do you mean that's his main source of income (or was before the baby?). Because if he has changed career, then I can see why he thinks he has made a huge sacrifice. However, if he's a weekend warrior and isn't actually bringing in money from his music, then he's just a bit of an arse about it all. He may be more articulate than you at the moment, but that doesn't mean he doesn't know that you are getting the shitty end of the stick (literally from the sounds of your morning).
Could you sit down one weekend morning when you are at your least tired and discuss it properly? And that means telling him that it isn't a question of who is best at debating, but a matter of what is fair!

The small things are the important things. We swim through them 18 hours a day.

I totally understand your frustration op, it does sound like your dp is being quite thoughtless and selfish. But I think a lot of relationships feel the strain as they adjust to life with a new baby, I do remember feeling very resentful towards my dp when ds was about 1 and I went back to work because he just didn't seem to understand the pressure I felt I was under to be all things to all people. My dp is also a very hands on dad and we take it in turns on a weekend to have a lie in but it still frustrates me at times how he often gets to just 'get up and go' in the mornings where as my day starts 2 hours before I leave for work! I agree with DoJo you need to have a proper talk to your dp about things and try and find a compromise. You need to insist on having at least one lie in a week. Counselling will help but don't underestimate how common your situation is, there is nothing like a baby to reveal the cracks in a relationship - that doesn't mean you can't fix them.

have to say, I think its your responsibility to get up for work you are an adult, other things well you need to talk about them, and if you didn't hear the door or the phone would you have heard your child?