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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Think I pissed my friend off

53 replies

Pennymopster · 15/10/2014 17:35

I made a good friend about a year ago. We're both single mums with girls, and get on really well, we've had boozy nights, shared loads of laughs and even been on double dates. Recently we went out for the day in my car, taking both DD's. I took some Sarnies, juice, biscuits y'know the usual. On the way there the girls started getting a bit restless and started getting a bit niggly with each other. I'm afraid I got a bit miffed that my friend kept opening bags of crisps and fizzy drinks and chocolate bars etc to shut them up. This was at 10am . It kept on coming, popcorn, cakes...(I'm not one of these overly-fretful mums who won't give her kids treats, quite the opposite). I didn't say anything. I didn't know how to without coming across all bolshy. Anyhow, lunch came and neither of them ate anything but demanded more chocolate and crisps my DD got really upset when I said no, have a sarnie. So the afternoon was more tantrums and tears than usual. On he way home my friend started giving them more sweets, smoothies, so I snapped. I said please don't co's my DD with definitely puke and I don't want to spend what's left of the weekend clearing that up .. She took it OK but sort of laughed and took the piss a little. Anyhow that was a fortnight ago and she hasn't returned my call, texted me back, sent any FB messages, nothing.

I know someone's going to say well, if she cuts you off because you told her nicely not to stuff your kid with crap then she's not worth knowing. Yes I know, but could I have done it any gentler? I feel like a nasty bastard now.

OP posts:

Ilovexmastime · 15/10/2014 18:35

The OP didn't say she'd snapped at her friend. She said she snapped, as in she couldn't not say anything anymore. In her OP she said that she said please. That's hardly being aggressive or talking like shit.

OP YANBU. Your friend sounds a bit of a nightmare to me, if she's going to sulk for two weeks or longer over that.

Ilovexmastime · 15/10/2014 18:36

Oops X - post!

CherryDolphin · 15/10/2014 18:37

How am I supposed to know the word 'snapped' means anything other than 'snapped'?

You do have a point there.

Bowlersarm · 15/10/2014 18:37

You did say 'snapped' OP.

I think you were unreasonable too. Made your friend feel embarrassed probably, and look silly in front of the children. You basically told her off in front of them.

Anyway, I think that your text was fine. But I do think you need to apologise to her, and not expect it to be the other way round. (I realise you have)

fourwoodenchairs · 15/10/2014 18:38

I don't think you did anything wrong at all!

Waltermittythesequel · 15/10/2014 18:39

If your texts come across as your posts here then you probably don't seem that sorry to her!

You're a little, erm, aggressive.

Nomama · 15/10/2014 19:43

Penny, I understood your post as written. That full stop after the word snapped did explain you snapped, had had enough. NOT that you snapped at your friend.

However, she does seem to have taken offense. Maybe she is furious, maybe embarrassed, who iknows? Until she replies (or doesn't) you can still hope

By the way, did your DD survive without puking??

Aridane · 15/10/2014 19:44

If I were your friend, I would have been offended too, and cooling it off with you for a bit.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 15/10/2014 19:47

Taking the skittles off the lot of you and early bed. Far too much squabbling on this thread.

Hope she sees sense op as it's horrible to have that happen.

Groovee · 15/10/2014 19:49

I think sending the apology text was a good idea and hope you get a response soon x

cakepopbakeshop · 15/10/2014 20:01

I've noticed whole hoards of mumsnetters like posting on this kind of thread when an OP is clearly feeling genuinely anxious and vulnerable with comments they probably wouldn't make IRL that can only serve to make the OP feel worse.

OP, from my own experience of such threads, don't set too much store on what people say here. By all means canvas opinions but don't take it too personally. You're heart will tell you what to do to patch up the friendship if that's what you decide to do.

cakepopbakeshop · 15/10/2014 20:09

Thebody haha you're just right.

Was about to post the same; OP by all means canvas opinions but don't take too seriously what people say on here, seems some (no i won't name names) just hope to make others feel worse when they feel vulnerable / anxious. Follow your heart with this one.

Bowlersarm · 15/10/2014 20:22

If you are including me in any of that cake, I resent it. I can confirm I definitely would say that in real life. I never say anything on here that I wouldn't if I was having a conversation with someone in RL.

I like AIBU, and would give my opinion - it's been asked for, hasnt it?

I think the OP does need to know I (and other posters it seems) would be upset with her, as her friend clearly is. It may be the first time she (OP) can see her friends point of view, and make amends (if she wants to maintain the friendship)

Brassrubbing · 15/10/2014 20:30

I think you were only unreasonable in not speaking to her about it when she first started giving the girls junk in the morning, though I assume you felt awkward about what would essentially have been criticising her parenting/food standards. But you weren't unreasonable to ask her to stop, whether or not your daughter was likely to throw up. I'm all for occasional ice creams etc, but I'd be deeply unimpressed if someone repeatedly fed my child junk on a day out as an automatic response to them being restless in the car.

DizzyKipper · 15/10/2014 20:41

I initially read the OP as having snapped at her friend. Having read subsequent posts and Ilove's explanation I can see now how the OP meant she snapped rather than was snapping at her friend. Written communication can be a bugger! /hoping to get my skittles back

chocolateyvelvet · 15/10/2014 20:46

I'm honestly lost as to how my posts have been interpreted as 'nasty ... wouldn't say in real life'

Drgonzosattorney · 15/10/2014 20:53

YANBU. Don't let it bother you! She sounds wired to the moon and not really coping. Move on and don't listen to any negative comments. Being the nice person you sound like, you held your tongue then was forced into an emotional response to your friend's continuous, comfort feeding. "The poor, starving kids!" How long was it till they started to ball their eyes out for snacks?! Jeez!

Original poster

Pennymopster · 15/10/2014 21:23

I tend to be pretty rude to people chocoaltey when they grab the most cynical angle they can and accuse me of talking to my friends like they're shit.. Surprised?

Yes I agree Brassrubb I probably should have said something early on when the packets of sweets and fizzy bottles were first being opened. I tried, but just couldn't find a way of saying something without sounding really nasty and critical. So I kept tight - lipped about it. I did break though on the way home, I looked in the rear view and my DD looked really peaky just as my friend was opening a new pack of cakes. I came out with my comments that were as inoffensive as I could make them.

I assumed I'd made it clear that I didn't snap at my friend but in my head. I just said what I was concerned with. Some folks seem to think I snarled at her like the girl from the Exorcist. If I had I'd know why my friend is blanking me. I would too.

I'm not sure looking back what I would have done differently though. However I could have put it and at what stage in the day, it would have still come down to me referring to all the junk food, which is what I think has upset my friend. I feel terrible and guilty about it but on the other hand it's very difficult to just sit there seeing your child as white as a sheet and on the brink of Yakking all over the place, while someone, however much you like them, is giving them more and more sugary crap.. I'd never put it this way to my friend of course as I value her and wouldn't want to hurt her feelings.

DD did puke Nomama just as I pulled up at home and it festered till the next morning. My neighbour said 'ah that'd be car sickness' I smiled sweetly, no snapping, honest!

OP posts:

Original poster

Pennymopster · 15/10/2014 21:29

BTW she texted back. All's ok, she apologised. I did too but I still feel a right cow and have blubbed a bit.

OP posts:

chocolateyvelvet · 15/10/2014 21:33

Be as rude as you like; it doesn't bother me but then don't be surprised when people don't wish to spend time with you.

helensburgh · 15/10/2014 21:34

That's good, hope you have arranged a nice night out the two,of you and no kids.

Original poster

Pennymopster · 16/10/2014 09:11

You accusing others of being rude is interesting. I bet you're really popular too.

OP posts:

sourdrawers · 16/10/2014 09:41

Penny, some people get themselves involved in threads with a determination to be unpleasant. Ignore....You only feed their need by responding.

I don't think YWBU at all. Your friend seems excessively sensitive to take umbrage and really should have known that sugary food and crisps is not good on an all day-er. Even if she had cut you off as a friend forever, she would have thought about why you spoke up and maybe learned something? Crack open a bottle or two, you and her is my advise. Do some more of those double dates and let us know how they go?

kali110 · 16/10/2014 10:37

I was actually thinking op wasn't too unreasonable but agree that ops posts have come across very aggressive!

ViviPru · 16/10/2014 10:37

Gosh Penny what a rough ride you've had on this thread. You come across to me as nothing other than self-aware and reasonable. You've handled this as well as you could given the circumstances and i hope you continue to enjoy a friendship with this person.

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