To think historic abuse shouldn't be hidden to protect memories?

[LittleMisslikestobebythesea]

I hope this isn't too upsetting for people, hopefully the title is enough to warn people.

My dad told me something today about my maternal grandfather and my aunty. I don't know many details as he told me just as he was leaving, but I know that he abused her, and what type of abuse. I want to know a bit more, but feel uncomfortable about asking (mainly did my nana know) I did kind of ask but it was kind of skirted around, but apparantly if she did know she would have been scared of him to do anything.

My husband thinks he shouldn't have told me, as it ruins my memories. I disagree and think it shouldn't be hidden. My aunty went through something awful, and I would rather know the truth. This is going to sound an awful thing to say, but I wasn't surprised when I heard. We were always scared of him as kids and he wasn't to be crossed.

I think it shouldn't be shouted about necessarily but it shouldn't be hidden either. I hope that makes sense.

YANBU.

As a survivor of abuse, I would say that there is a strong desire to keep silent about abuse, simply because people would rather fool themselves that everyone is lovely than face the fact that some people are fucked up arseholes. Keeping silent allows abusers to continue unpunished and causes victims to feel totally alone.

I absolutely agree with cailindana.

Another survivor of abuse here and I also agree with caillin

In fact I would not have been abused for so many years if it wasnt for my family prefering to continue having happy memories rather than deal with the ugly truth

I agree with pp that it shouldn't be hidden, all that does is protect the abuser.
However, is your aunty still alive? I say this because I'm wondering if she knows that your dad has shared this info with you, or any other family members? It shouldn't be a secret, but if it has been up until now, then it really should be your aunts prerogative who she shares it with. At the very least I would hope your dad has discussed it with her over the years and is clear that she doesn't mind him talking about it?

Charity yes she is still alive, and I honestly don't know how long it's been out but I believe its in the last couple of years it's come to light.

I don't know what she thinks about it, I don't think she would mind me knowing, but I don't know, I can see your point though.

I certainly won't tell anyone else, and am glad I know the truth, but yes it shouldn't be shared if she doesn't want it to be.

Mixed feelings here. On the one hand I hate the idea that an abuse victim should put up and shut up about what happened to them so as not to spoil other people's memories of/ relationship with an abuser. On the other, its really not your dad's story to tell (if your aunt is still alive) and Id worry about how she'd feel about it being discussed.

X posts

I think it is for your aunt to disclose, not your father. Agree with BarbarianMum here

I recently discovered after my great uncles death that he wasn't actually my great uncle, he was the child of my great aunt who had been raised as her little brother because he was the product of a rape when she was a teenager. This completely broke my heart, even though both my aunt and uncle are dead now, it just seems so sad that they both had to live this lie all their lives because because of the supposed 'shame' of it. I know times were different back then, but it strikes me that the rapist got away scot free (we know he did) and my aunt had her life turned upside down and was never allowed to speak of it. At least she was 'lucky' in that she got to keep her child close to her rather than have him adopted out, but even so...
The point is, now that they're both dead, and the secret is out, it just feels a lot healthier that everyone can talk about it openly. I just imagine how different their lives would be if they could have done that when they were alive. Very different to your situation obvs Op, and I don't want to sidetrack, I just think it supports the theory that sometimes these things are best out in the open?

Agree with cailin that it shouldn't be kept quiet 'in memory' of a dead person (presume your grandfather is deceased?)
I also agree that it's your aunt's story to tell if she feels minded to. Would you be able to ask her about it? Are you close enough? As an abuse victim, I know that it's rare to have the opportunity to talk about it, and it can be healing to speak about it.