To think a heads up would have been nice?

[Doingtheschoolrun]

Long story short, I was recently asked at short notice to pick a young relative up from school, because her mum was in hospital.

Her mum actually went into hospital the day before, but the child was booked into after school club that day so stayed there until her dad was home from work. I (naively perhaps) assumed that as nothing had been said earlier she was in after school club on the day in question too.

So as not to drip feed: I have a toddler of my own, so can't just 'nip out' to do the school run, especially as the school is quite a few miles away from home and from the relative's home. I am also being referred to a psychiatrist to investigate a possible ASD. One of the areas I particularly struggle with is changes in plans, I like to know what I am doing and when, and get very anxious about sudden changes. The relatives are aware of this.

So AIBU to think that it would have been nice for someone to have said in the morning 'oh, X isn't booked into after school club today, so if mum isn't out of hospital in time can you do the school run?'. Then I could have had the extra gear needed for the toddler packed and ready just in case, instead of having to rush home from work/nursery and grab stuff before heading out again.

Obviously I don't mind looking after my young relative at all, especially under the circumstances. I just feel that as they knew mum was going to be in hospital that they could have pre warned me. And due to me being flustered at the sudden change in plans, I forgot to put a new pack of wipes in the changing bag and ran out during a messy nappy change!

Irrespective of ASD, when you're doing someone a favour it's only considerate to keep them informed.yanbu.

I would have assumed looking after someone "after school" meant just that; and if any other after care was involved it would have been mentioned at the time? When did you find out you had to collect her?

I'm sorry that you struggle with changes of plans, but honestly, it sounds like a genuine misunderstanding to me. You assumed that she would be in after school club, they assumed that you didn't think she would be in after schools club. It is easily done, especially if they probably had other things on their minds, if her mum was in hospital.

Yes, they should have told you that the child was not going to the after school club but you also shouldn't have assumed and perhaps should have asked. A hospital visit can be quite worrying so it may have just slipped their minds. I also think you sound very stressed over something that isn't a big deal. How much stuff do you need for a toddler on a school run?

Sure they just didn't think op. Miss communication but not malice.

Hope the mum is ok and you get help you need too.

I am a little confused.

Was it:

a) Young relative was supposed to be collected by Mum from school, but ran late at hospital so you were asked at last minute? (In which case, YANBU, and afterschool club should have been booked provisionally or else you asked to be put on notice in advance that this might happen and see if you could, or even both).

or

b) Young relative was supposed to be collected by you and the arrangements about what time that was were not cleared up beforehand ( you thought it was afterschool club collection time, YR's family assumed you would know it was end of school collection time)? In which case YABaBitU, as both of you should have clarified in advance what the arrangements and expectations of both parties were.

Was it a planned hospital stay or was it unexpected?

If they knew, but not until late on, I can understand why they didn't tell you, it's probably stressful and there's lots of little things that need to be thought about.

Either way, I'm sure it wasn't done deliberately to upset you, I'd let it go.

Sorry if I'm not being clear!

Let's say Thursday mum went into hospital, it was a routine appointment but they decided to keep her in. Child at after school club until dad came home so no other childcare needed.

Friday mum is still in hospital, but no after school club booked and dad at work. So they asked me at lunchtime to fetch child when they realised mum wouldn't be out of hospital in time to collect her herself.

sausage I know I'm stressed over something that isn't a big deal! Hence why I'm on medication for anxiety/depression and have the referral in progress. For the record, as well as the toddler's nappies and wipes that I forgot in the rush, I had no car seat (if I had been prewarned I could have borrowed one) and didn't want to drive the several miles to my house without one (the child in question is in reception so really does need a car seat still).

Or rather, I did have a car seat, but toddler was sitting in it!

Ok given your update I think yabu. They let you know when they knew.
I previously thought they knew a few days in advance. Op given you have a child, there will be many many times where things will change at the last minute.

If I'm reading correctly, you're upset because you think they should have asked you sooner?

People don't usually plan ahead that much, unless they are generally anxious. I imagine both parents assumed hospital would be done and dusted by day two pick up time.

Asking you at lunchtime IS giving you a heads up.

It's done - a one off and not indicative of the end of the world. Do you have any anxiety self-management techniques you can utilise because this level of over thought sounds very unhelpful.

Oh, I know things can change at the last minute and wouldn't mind so much if they themselves only found out last minute.

But to my mind, they could have considered it at the time they were telling dad to pick child up from ASC on thurs, they should have thought then about what if they weren't back in time on fri. So AIBU to think that?

I think it's possible that they thought the child's mum would be discharged in time. Hospitals often have holdups, and whilst one might be told 'we'll discharge you in the morning' it can actually be much later in the day one is set free.

And as you say, the mum wasn't expected to be kept in on the Thursday, it might be the case that things worsened for her unexpectedly, or she was kept in as a precautionary measure and it was thought she'd be leaving first thing. So maybe some other thing cropped up, or the family wasn't aware that the discharge might actually happen much later than they were told.

Perhaps they don't get how hard the change of plan is for you.

In all honesty I don't think this is a big deal, and were I in your shoes I would have thought it ok for them to call me to lend a hand.

BUT BUT BUT

for you obviously things are different and were I in your family member's shoes, I think I either wouldn't have asked you, or have run it by you in advance with assurances a 'no I can't do that' would be fine.

Your relatives might be aware of this but perhaps they don't really get it. Do you think they might have thought 'oh just this once it'll be fine' or 'this will be good for her' or something similarly well-meaning?

ohmyarsing thank you! I can see it now, I would have given them the heads up but because of the possible ASD/ definite anxiety! So nt people in general just don't think like that?

Like the other day, I had a hospital appointment at 9am, was told to allow 2 hours, so asked someone a few days before to be on standby in case I wasn't back for 1pm for nursery pick up, that's normal to me.

My lovely SIL is very anxious and it took me years to realise she wasn't just being dreadfully hard work (I'm not saying anyone thinks you are, by the way!)

I almost fell out with her over my wedding years ago because of the amount of pre planning and nitpicking she was doing, but I can see with hindsight how it went in her head.

She nearly didn't come to the reception because it was a ten minute car journey away. She had blown it all up in her head because she was anxious about everything, from the timings to the possibility of her son misbehaving in the car.

To me it seemed ludicrous that she considered not going but I understand a lot more about her condition nowadays and can see it through her eyes.

Anyway, that's my long winded way of saying that anxiety disorders make you see the world in a completely different way to people without the disorder.

Neither of you are in the wrong, you are all just expecting the other to react according to how YOU see the world, which is very differently.

Perhaps they had to ring around before they found someone who could take her. It sounds like things were unexpected rather than they were being thoughtless.

I can almost guarantee that I was next in line to be contacted after dad- I may have even been before him as he works full time and I'm part time.

Anyway, in light of what arsing said, I've had a frank discussion with DH and we've come to the conclusion that my mind really does work completely differently to most other peoples'. I mean, I knew I was different but I never realised before just how different, some things that I think of as normal apparently aren't!

What did your DH say op? I hope he has been supportive?

Perhaps she hadn't been in hospital before snd didn't realise that long delays are usual?
It's not unusual to get these realisations around how differently you think when a certain situation throws light on it ime. My son has AS and has such good coping strategies that it could be easy to think he's been misdiagnosed until one of these situations comes up and it's clear that he hasn't. Take it as a compliment that although you think differently, you mostly cope. Not saying you're ASD btw.

Oh yes, DH has been hugely supportive. The conversation went along the lines of him telling me 'I know this is a big deal to you, but relatives and I just don't think that way. We're not doing it to annoy you, it just doesn't occur to us'