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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I didnt think she was pregnant, just really fat!

25 replies

HairyPorter · 15/10/2014 09:35

...said to me by the Bullying and Harrasment Lead regarding another colleague... Needs reporting as inappropriate right? Not sure how to report it really as it should be this person I report it to!

OP posts:

outofcontrol2014 · 15/10/2014 09:39

What? It's an unkind thing to say, but could well be just insensitive and thoughtless. Certainly not bullying/harrassment, or sexist/racist/homophobic/hate speech etc.

I wouldn't report it, but I would say something like 'Hey, that's a bit unkind. Don't you think she's really pretty/clever/admirable?' - in a friendly, rather than antagonistic way.

LadyLuck10 · 15/10/2014 09:40

Reporting as what exactly. I think that's ott.
Maybe something along the lines of being rude/ insensitive but really not a reportable issue.

answerthebloodyphone · 15/10/2014 09:42

Wow...just wow.
That is so rude.

plentyavino · 15/10/2014 09:42

I wouldn't consider this to be harassment or bullying. Just a bit insensitive.

ApocalypseThen · 15/10/2014 09:43

Was this an aside to you or her explanation for an unpleasant incident?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 15/10/2014 09:44

Correct response is "She might be fat/gain weight, but that can change, unfortunately for you, there isnt a cure for arsehole syndrome."

Obviously, though you just ignore it and let the bitch be a miserable bitch.

Surfsup1 · 15/10/2014 09:48

Hmm.
I have an overweight friend who is currently pregnant. She hasn't told anyone at work as she is campaigning for a pay rise and she thinks that an impending mat-leave would derail her chances. She openly says that no one will think she's pregnant they'll just think she's fatter.

If the comment was made in a malicious way that's one thing but without knowing the tone it's hard for us to judge. It could also have been a colleague admitting their embarrassment at having not realised or having said something to the woman which made it clear that he/she had not realised she was pregnant.

So what was the context? Unless it was said to her or was intended to harm another colleague's opinion of her then it's not really bullying or harassment it's just insensitive.

londonrach · 15/10/2014 09:48

Need context of how this bitchy comment was said. Dont think you can report it as bullying but its a cruel unkind comment. Makes the sayer look very small and nasty.

BarbarianMum · 15/10/2014 09:49

Well I've had the opposite - people congratulating me on the pregnancy when in fact I am just fat. The two can look quite similar.

I think it is all about how it was meant to be honest, and the context in which it was said. Unless, of course, you think that being fat is a terrible thing and therefore even assuming somebody might be is an insult.

WorraLiberty · 15/10/2014 09:50

How is it bullying or harassment?

Insensitive yes, but it's not like she even said it to the person in question.

Some people do look really fat instead of pregnant.

Or did she say it in a sneery/bitchy tone?

Behoove · 15/10/2014 09:51

Well, it's neither a bullying or harassing comment so doesn't need to be reported.
It is unkind and inconsiderate and I think, tbh, instead of coming on MN, you should have said that to the person at the time.

hmc · 15/10/2014 09:53

I think you are mean-spirited to want to report it. You should have pulled the person up on it when they said it, rather than attempt to get them disciplined subsequently. Although I do think it is unprofessional for the bullying and harassment lead to make such observations....

MrsPiggie · 15/10/2014 09:53

Report as what? It wasn't said to the colleague but to you, so it can't even be classified as bullying. Was she suffering harassment because of her appearance?

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 15/10/2014 10:17

There's nothing to report. Were you ever a head girl?

I was gob smacked to he told by a colleague that she was going on maternity leave as I had no idea she was pregnant. She was very very obese. I did ask another colleague if she knew purely because I was so shocked and not to be bitchy.

Babycham1979 · 15/10/2014 11:14

Hehe! I'm surprised I've not seen anyone trotting out the MN classic, 'phone 101'!

Really, get a grip. It's a rude, nasty thing to say. End of. Don't tell tales.

specialsubject · 15/10/2014 11:20

sometimes you do 'tell tales' or 'grass' - you aren't at school now.

but this is just an aside said to you. Possibly not a very pleasant comment but no need to start a fire over it.

OnIlkleyMoorBahTwat · 15/10/2014 11:27

A bit rude perhaps, but not reportable.

YY to those saying that pregnancy is not always obvious Two of my colleagues who have gone on maternity leave over the past few months and are normally slightly overweight (eg size 16/18) didn't look obviously pregnant even at over 8 months gone.

I was even worried that one had lost the baby and I didn't know, because you really couldn't tell she was pregnant, even on her last day when we did the goodbye/good luck lunch for her.

FoxSticks · 15/10/2014 11:28

I'm going against the grain. I'm assuming a bullying and harrasment lead is a voluntary role? I used to be an HR Manager and if I knew someone in this type of role had said that I'd be unimpressed. Yes it's not bullying and harassment as such, but making personal comments about another colleague like that undermines his position. How can people feel secure enough to approach him over sensitive issues when he freely says unpleasant things about others?

BarbarianMum · 15/10/2014 11:42

It does kind of depend on the context and tone though Foxsticks. Randomly making personal comments is not good obviously, but in the context of a conversation about, say, a necessary modification to the work environment to accommodate pregnancy, yes I can see how it could get said. Thinking a large person is fat is not a hate crime

ClapHandsIfYouBelieveInFatties · 15/10/2014 11:46

Of COURSE it should be reported! How on earth is this woman giving her colleagues any faith in her skills as a mediator when she's making personal comments (bitching) about other people's bodies?!? It was utterly stupid of her to say this and hurtful and I would report it.

If she'd said something about the other person's race or sexuality you'd all be telling OP to report it.

ClapHandsIfYouBelieveInFatties · 15/10/2014 11:48

Barbarian of course THINKING another person is fat is not a hate crime. One should not blab about it in a professional environment.

Behoove · 15/10/2014 11:54

Don't agree it's reportable at all. We don't even know if it was meant in a nasty manner so at the moment all we have is an inconsiderate off the cuff comment.

If the op didn't like it, she should have said so at the time. It would have been the adult thing to do, rather than hyperboling about it on an Internet forum.

Greengrow · 15/10/2014 11:54

People need to toughen up. One comment like that which may be entirely accurate but a bit blunt is not bullying.

I gave my seat up for someone on the train the other day and I spent a good bit of time first trying to work out if she were fat or pregnant. If I had spoken to people in a work situation and said I wasn't sure if the person were fat or pregnant that is just a normal comment. To say someone is fat or has blue hair or long legs is not always bullying particularly if not said to the person who is fat or has the long legs. The big problem the nation currently has is a heap of people who don't accept they are fat when they clearly are. We have more obesity than ever. Some of them do need bluntly to be told to their face you are fat so they start doing something about it.

BarbarianMum · 15/10/2014 11:57

Hence why the context and tone on the conversation is also important and we don't know that. It might well have been a snidey unprofessional comment but without more info from the OP we won't know.

A couple of jobs ago a colleague expressed surprise on meeting me that I wasn't black -my (Italian) maiden name being v similar to one common in the Congo where she had worked. I didn't report her for unprofessional comments about my race as there was clearly no malice involved.

Aridane · 15/10/2014 13:38

I don't see a problem with what she said - but I might suffer from foot in mouth syndrome...

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