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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want to lead a double life?

16 replies

knitaholic · 13/10/2014 20:55

Wouldn't it be amazing if you could have two lives: one, the loving wife and mother; and two, the world traveller, having adventures (such as eating food that's not macaroni cheese, or not having to be in for 7 o clock bedtime)?
It's not that I don't appreciate what I have (especially when I know personally people who are going through ivf and would give their right arm for three kids). It's just that it seems so unfair sometimes that I can't just take off on a minibreak with my lover (aka long suffering husband- who would of course have retained his svelte physique sans macaroni cheese!), or challenge myself to climb K2. I mean I could do these things, but that would surely be unspeakably selfish...? Wouldn't it?

OP posts:

mawbroon · 13/10/2014 21:15

YANBU

Sausageroll99 · 13/10/2014 21:28

Start with having a night away with your girlfriends, groupon, wowcher and travel zoo do amazing one night deals. £70 pp for spa hotel, breakfast, evening meal and wine. Take bottles of prosecco in your room.

Can you get any family to have kids for 24 hours so you and hubby can do one night away?

It gets easier as they get older. Last year I went off on my own to Goa for 2 weeks, mind you I have the most amazing understanding husband.
Counting down days to 4 years time when youngest goes to uni and I can go off travelling!

Can't you take the kids to climb K2 with you when they're teens? I'm hoping to climb Kilimanjaro with my 2.

MuddlingAlongMum · 13/10/2014 21:29

YANBU. I day dream constantly about going out alone and doing something just for me. Walking out in the countryside without the buggy, reading in a coffee shop without watching the clock... Sometimes I do manage to pop out to the supermarket alone and if feels like such a novelty!
My current favourite day dream would be a night in a posh hotel all alone and I'd go to bed really early and have at least twelve hours sleep. Bliss!

LemonadeRayGun · 13/10/2014 21:35

I run away regularly. I am fortunate I have somewhere to go, my best friend is single and she lives in a big house so every now and then I run away and stay with her and we pretend to be 19 again, drinking all night, sleeping all day, drinking endless cups of tea and eating endless bowls of cereal. It's no climbing K2 but it is a hide out and a break from my life where I can be someone else. I can dress different, act different, be different. In her job she moves around a lot (but Her work houses her in very nice houses!) so it is a new city each time where no one knows me. It's ace.

Original poster

knitaholic · 13/10/2014 21:36

Thanks sausageroll. I think it's just the lack of energy when the kids are wee that really gets me! Think if I did get to Goa I'd sleep on the beach for two weeks!!!!
Also I bet I'd bloody miss them if I went!!
Spa break sounds like a great idea and I think we'll all start planning our big adventure for when they're older. That would make it more obtainable rather than just a pipe dream.
Also thanks muddling and maw- nice to know I'm not the only one!! Makes it more bearable somehow!

OP posts:

Original poster

knitaholic · 13/10/2014 21:37

Oh Lemonade that sounds idyllic! Can I sign up? Do you do Groupon vouchers?????

OP posts:

Boobz · 13/10/2014 21:41

YANBU

MsVestibule · 13/10/2014 21:41

When my DCs were tiny and I hated being a SAHM, it wasn't so much that I wanted to lead a double life, more that I wanted a parallel life. Y'know, one life where I was the devoted wife and mother, and my old life where I had a proper career and could come home to my lovely quiet house, watch what I wanted on the TV and have cheese on toast for tea if I fancied it.

I'm quite happy with my life now, so fortunately that fantasy is no more.

combust22 · 13/10/2014 21:55

It's about finding a balance within the life you have.

I was a SAHM but I still managed to start a business working from home and exercise a bit. Now my kids are at school I can exercise 5 hours a week, , make money, and enjoy a spiritual aspect to my life too.

Bettercallsaul1 · 13/10/2014 22:05

The trouble is, OP, that the grass is always greener. When the children have left home, you just want your old life back, with all its responsibilities!

The fact is, there are no half measures in parenting - they're either at home and omnipresent or off leading their own lives! You're still their parents, of course, and would do anything for them but that state of dependency has definitely gone - for ever!

Original poster

knitaholic · 13/10/2014 22:09

So glad I started this thread- it' the kick up the a* I needed! Appreciate what I've got, but take time out when I need it.
But what about the guilt...?
Oh and the fact that if I do go on a spa weekend I'll come home to two days worth of dirty dishes and a K2 size mountain of laundry ( good practice I suppose!)?

Am I beginning to whinge?????

OP posts:

Notabar · 13/10/2014 22:10

My kids are at primary school and I am just coming out of that fug of domesticity, the work slog and utter boredom.

Things that help:

Not working (ha! Left my shitty full time job and am determined to find something part time and not boring. Life is too short!)

Putting in proper nights out with DH in the diary at least once a month, and nights out with friends a couple of times a month. This slips sometimes and when it does, I get moody - so really, really important to keep it up.

DH and I also take turns to have a weekend or even a week away separately every year. We started it as soon as the kids werent babies anymore and its been so bloody brilliant. I did a four day break to Ibiza (Ibiza! ) with my best friend the first year, a five day creative writing course the second year (amazing), and a cheap week package to a Greek island earlier this year (cannot begin to tell you how amazing it was to lie on a beach and read novels and drink wine and NOT have to watch two children and stop them from drowning/getting burnt/squabbling over a bucket and spade!). Money is tight now, so next year am planning a weekend with a friend who lives by the seaside. Already looking forward to it.

Also rediscovering what you enjoy doing and DOING IT. Its taken me a while to figure it out, but am starting an part-time counselling skills course soon, and have signed up for this year's NaNowriMo - finally going to have a crack at writing that book I reckon I've got inside me .

its hard when your DC are small, though, I know. So bloody knackering.

minipie · 13/10/2014 22:15

YANBU at all. I definitely have Big Plans for when the DC are older/left home but I do wish I could have just one or two weeks of that time rather than later. (And I'm sure that later I'll wish for just one or two weeks of having my toddler back again). It's a shame we can't mix and match the stages a bit.

It is possible to live a bit of a double life... I still have a career (just about...) and DH and I have escaped for the odd day/weekend courtesy of lovely GPs. But yeah, mostly the baby and toddler thing is all encompassing.

ApocalypseThen · 13/10/2014 22:15

I'd love it. I often think if I died anyone going through my stuff would pity me and the very dull effects I'd leave behind.

It'd be brilliant to think that they'd stumble across a whole other reality!

minipie · 13/10/2014 22:17

Spa day/weekend away - Do it! No need for guilt or mountain of laundry as long as your DH would do a decent job of looking after kids and home while you were away. (if he wouldn't - why not??)

Of course he might justifiably want a weekend away of his own in return...

Original poster

knitaholic · 13/10/2014 22:20

That's what I'm worried about minipie!!

OP posts:

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