to feel like my life has vanished somewhere along the line and need simple steps of how to get it back?

[Stuckwiththis]

Don't want to drip feed but feel like there's so much I want to say that I'm not sure I'll get it all out in one go. In short I feel like my life's been slowly slipping away, since I was about 10 tbh, between being badly bullied, having depression since (at least) I was 13, having an abusive marriage, a ds (who is 13 now) when I was young, and post natal depression I never seem to have got myself 'going' since. I managed to get a degree but think that was more to get out of a job I hated and have something to fit around dd rather than planning for the future. I got a 2:1 but haven't had a job since I started it, went into another 2 year course straight after and that finished 2 years ago.

My life in a nutshell - I'm overweight and this makes me feel rubbish, I eat junk just to get me through the day, I haven't got the energy to think of healthy meals or make them. The house is usually just about clean enough to live in but only just, which brings my mood down. We're both self employed trying to run our own business but earning very little more than we would be on JSA and have £10 a month left after rent/bills/food which grinds me down and stops us going out to build some sort of social network - we moved away from family 18 months ago and literally don't have one friend here.

I want to be earning just a tiny bit more a month to make us a little more comfortable - just £100-£150 would make such a gigantic difference. I've been looking for jobs but every time I come to do an application form I feel so numb, like it's some huge mountain to climb and I can't bring myself to make it through one, let alone the 100's I know you have to fill in to get a job these days. I feel the same about our business too, it's something I fell into to help DP out, it's his passion not mine but I don't feel I can abandon it because there's work to do on it and we can't afford to lose the pittance it does bring in. Every month I get hopeful we'll do a little better but every month we limp on doing virtually sod all. I do probably a quarter of the work I used to when I had a f/t job years ago but it takes the same effort, most of the day I'm feeling dazed and numb trying to pull myself together to do something worthwhile but feel like I'm walking through a fog. I'm so tired all the time too.

DP has his own issues too, has been depressed for many years and has anti-depressants to keep it under control but half the time is busy enough keeping himself going, if anyone wonders why he's not 'looking after' me.

Am absolutely sure I've got anxiety and depression in some form or another but never been diagnosed or had any treatment. Paid for 8 sessions of counselling for myself a few years back - it made me cry a lot but didn't seem to do anything long term. Tried to get help when I was 14 and was sent to a therapist for quite a few sessions but I don't feel that it helped, I just rambled for ages and he only nodded and in the end I got fed up of talking and not feeling like I was listened to so I just bottled it all up. Then I tried to get help for post natal depression, because I was spending each day literally not doing more than the absolute minimum, such as cleaning a bottle for ds when he was crying for it. The gp I saw told me fairly bluntly it was just that I wasn't coping because I'd left my (abusive) husband and said I should consider marriage counselling/trying to make another go of it. Maybe it will be 3rd time lucky if I see a gp again but I'm not very confident now, feel like I'll just be made to feel silly and sent away, and if not then what? Do I want pills, and if not what else is there?

I used to be so intelligent when I was little, not being arrogant - I don't care if everyone else was more intelligent, but I felt clever, I did well at school because I was interested, I was interested in the world, I knew things and had opinions and feelings. Now I feel so empty, I can't even remember what it's like to want to read a book or to feel passionate about something. My only 'hobby' now is to watch the telly, to numb my mind.

I'm getting married in a year, paid for by our parents (they're religious but semi relaxed about it but looking forward to us not 'living in sin' I think, though they haven't said that directly), and I do love DP but I'm not sure how much, not because of him, but because I'm not sure how much of me there is left and how much is just functioning (or not) on autopilot.

Where do I start to unpick all this mess and make something of my/our life? I'm 2 months away from 34 and feel like I've virtually wasted my life.

What I picked up from your post is I think one of you should get permanent work and the other carry on with the self-employed side. It's not making you enough money, your heart's not in it so I think it should be you - particularly as you've been educated to a high level.

I think you need to plan it - start looking for work, even if it's something you have not done before, apply for everything that you think you can do and are interested in. It might take a while so in the meantime if you can start eating healthily and do a little exercise every day I think you might get into a better frame of mind. Simplistic I know and I know it won't be easy but you have to start somewhere.

I just think if you can improve your income it'll take a lot of stress off you both. Hopefully a more positive momentum will put you on the path to sorting out some of the other things, possibly some counselling for past upsets.

I wish you luck. I read your post and heard an intelligent, articulate woman that can make a difference to her life.

Sorry I meant to add perhaps antidepressants could lift the despair I hear. The wedding I'd put on hold until you're in a better frame of mind.

Hi. What a difficult situation you are in and totally understandable that you feel like you are in a hole that you cant climb out of. It is a shame that you saw a counsellor that was no help (I saw one myself last year that just sat and nodded) but there are really good ones out there too so would it be worth asking your GP to refer you again? If life is so difficult now, surely it would be worth the effort of applying for other jobs as it would give you a light at the end of the tunnel. So many people on MN would be rooting for you !!! I agree with bobbyjoe about trying to take a walk each day. Autumn is a lovely time for walks. Is there a local walking group you could join which would also give you the chance to meet new people. Also consider mindfulness meditation. There is a great book by Mark Williams and Danny Penman called Finding Peace in a Frantic World which you may find in the library. You can listen to the meditations (that accompany the book) on YT.
I wish you the strength to move forward.

Sorry to take so long to come back, still feeling very 'foggy', thank you so much for the replies. In some ways I'd love to put the wedding off a year or two but really can't, most of the money's been paid out and we wouldn't get it back, and it feels like the one thing I'm vaguely looking forward to at the moment.

You're right bobbyjoe & Edith, I really need to get out to work, back to working for someone else (why is it always 'the dream' to work for yourself, I hate it) - if I could just start work tomorrow I'd jump at the chance but it seems like such a mountain to climb to look for/apply for jobs, not sure why but it all feels so hard, especially when most seem to be online applications so I have to start all over again each time.

I don't think there's a walking group nearby but I'll try to get out for a daily walk again, I don't think it's a coincidence that I feel this bad when I'm stuck in the house and don't have to do school runs - back when ds was in primary at least I had to get out twice a day. I did actually try a meditation today and really felt peaceful (until I got up again), need to try and make it a habit.

Going to the GP feels like a big hurdle too, worried I'll get fobbed off again AND worried I won't and any pills I get will make me worse before feeling any better. If I could just get a bit of a clearer head I think it would help.

Hi again.
You are actually sounding a lot more positive. Just need to push that little bit harder to make the first steps in on the road to your new beginning. The wedding will be a lovely thing to focus on as well. Perhaps looking at the last final details to make it a fabulous day. I really feel for you starting to look for another job. If there is something you have in mind that you would like, could you perhaps look at some of the companies websites and give them a call to see if there is anything imminent. You could save them advertising. Or what about going into any local employment agencies? The online apps are a pain. I stayed up til midnight once completing one only to lose it all when I pressed send!! Could have cried but I guess the job wasnt meant to be! I might have had a lucky escape?? Who knows?? Lol !! I am following an 8 week mediation course (from the book I mentioned). I am nearing the end of week 3 and I have to say, I am really starting to feel the benefit and I enjoy the ME time. As you enjoyed your mediation perhaps that is a route you could follow? Things will definitely get better for you, primarily because you know you want better and i think when you are a little bit stronger you will go for it. Again, I wish you all the best. X

I really feel for you, reading your post, and agree with PP that you sound like an intelligent, articulate woman who just needs to find a way forward. Also agree that it would be beneficial to get work outside the home and let DP carry the business for the time being.

You sound bogged down by depression and apathy at the moment. Please consider a course of anti-depressants. IME (bearing in mind I am weaning myself off them at the moment), they can be very useful for giving you a leg-up to a place where you feel able to do the things that you know you need to do but can't face/muster the energy and initiative to tackle. It sounds to me that you know what the positive steps are, you are just so bogged down that you can't take them. For that, I think, SSRIs can be very useful. Also I would recommend asking your GP for a referral to a cognitive behavioural therapist (CBT), as it's much more about finding positive ways forward than the sort of 'you splurge painful stuff, therapist nods and says nothing' counselling you mention.

You just haven't found the right GP yet, btw - they aren't all as crap as the ones you've encountered, promise!

I recommend this book all over MN. How to Do everything and Be Happy by Peter JOnes. It is very good at getting you to pinpoint exactly what it is you want out of life (youve identified a few aspects in your OP), and how to make plans to go about getting it. It's a very easy read, humble, not preachy, British. I reread it every year, and every year I set myself new goals and it motivates me every time.

And my toptip for online job applications: Write all your details into a notepad document. It doesnt format the text, so you can then copy paste into online forms without spending hours typing it all out again and faffing around with fonts and sizes.