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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that it is reasonable to say to people, even family, that sometimes they just can't stay

24 replies

Ychyfi · 13/10/2014 15:04

Last week, some family members decided that that they wanted to come and stay with us this weekend in order to visit DH's sister, who was visiting the UK at short notice. We already had 6 house guests this weekend, I had just returned to work from maternity leave and left DD with someone else for the first time last week, and to top things off, DD had also come down with hand, foot and mouth and had been uncomfortable and cross, which meant that she and I got almost no sleep all week and made the whole leaving-her-and-returning-to-work guilt even worse than it already was. DH was away with work so it felt a bit like I was fire-fighting on my own. Frankly, by the time he got home from his work trip, I wasn't sure how I was going to cope with our existing house guests with an ill child and no sleep, let alone more. All I wanted to do was snuggle up with poor DD, who hadn't seen me much all week and was really confused by the change as well as being ill, and hunker down and cuddle her. We tried to explain this to DH's family members. They are offended at having been asked to stay at PIL's house (admittedly smaller than ours, but balanced out by our existing guests) rather than ours.

Am I being unreasonable to think that you can't assume you have a right to stay in anyone else's house at any time of your choosing, even the homes of family members? Surely it's our house and there will be some times where we just can't do it and it's ok to say that? We have always accommodated them before, even when it's been really difficult, but this was just a bit more than we could manage. I am a bit cross at being made out to be the wicked witch of the west but perhaps I am just being completely irrational from sleep deprivation?

So as not to drip feed, we've experienced similar issues in the past which have caused a bit of tension between DH and I, with family staying for twice or three times as long as invited, moving in with us for long periods, etc, so I appreciate that I may be seeing things through a filter of general annoyance. There just seems to be this weird idea that our house is fair game for anyone who needs hotel services at any time. When PIL moved house, they announced that they would only need a small house because if they had guests they could stay at ours instead. Possibly I have let this stew a bit now and I am so cross that little things tip me over the edge in an unreasonable way? I really do want to know because I don't want poor DH to get it in the neck from his family if it is in fact my approach to this which is unreasonable.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 13/10/2014 15:06

YANBU at all. No one is entitled to come and stay at your house when you don't want them there.
However is this cultural? IE is your DH from a culture that obsesses over familyh closeness and never refusing the older generation anything?

Lottapianos · 13/10/2014 15:08

YANBU at all. Its your home. Your sanity and wellbeing come first. ALWAYS. Nobody has a 'right' to come and stay with you when they feel like it.

'There just seems to be this weird idea that our house is fair game for anyone who needs hotel services at any time'

That needs nipping in the bud now. They sound like the sort of people who have extremely poor boundaries - give them an inch and they will take a mile. Please do not feel bad about saying no.

AlpacaLypse · 13/10/2014 15:18

I think you've helped yourself to analyse this just by writing your OP down. YANBU. Yes, you're right, there's an element of this being the straw that broke the camel's back, but if they hadn't pushed the boundaries beyond reasonable before, you wouldn't be feeling like this now.

MissBattleaxe · 13/10/2014 15:18

It's their problem if they are offended. Personally I wouldn't dream of imposing the way they have so they clearly have no regard for you.

If it was my DH I'd be tearing him a new one. These are his relatives and he wasn't even there. That would piss me off to start with.

YANBU at all but you need your DH to say this to his family. It ridiculous what they expected of you!

hellsbellsmelons · 13/10/2014 15:24

So you have 6 house guests already and just gone back to work, your DH has been away so you've had to cope on your own and DD is ill and you think YABU by turning away more guests!???
Of course you aren't, but I think you already know this.
Blimey, do you own a castle or something?

butterbeerfloat · 13/10/2014 15:24

I was going to say the cultural point too, my DM's side of the family are English and would "never even dream of imposing" on us, however my DF's side are Portuguese and are of the viewpoint that if family arrives, even if unannounced, the polite and only right response is to offer food, and a place to stay - usually also a bit of a party (drinks and socialising into the night not loud music and dancing)

AMumInScotland · 13/10/2014 15:25

YANBU. Nobody has any right to expect to come to stay in your house. It sounds like they've just got so used to treating the place like it was a free hotel that it hasn't even occurred to them that you might say no. And now they get arsey at you for their own stupidity in making assumptions.

butterbeerfloat · 13/10/2014 15:26

By food, I mean feast btw. I hope I haven't generalised Portuguese people, it could well just be my family

Didactylos · 13/10/2014 15:32

YANBU

the clue is in the name - 'your house'

weeblueberry · 13/10/2014 15:33

YANBU.

When I was pregnant with my DD my MIL was coming to stay the week after. She is absolutely lovely to be fair and asked whether she might stay with us. I, never normally 'firm' about these things, said I was really sorry but given that I didn't know how I'd be after the birth/breastfeeding etc that I'd be more comfortable if she stayed in the hotel nearby. DP sort of made a face but I was absolutely determined I was having my evenings/nights to myself afterwards.

Summerisle1 · 13/10/2014 15:34

YANBU. Nobody has a right to demand accommodation and family are often the worst offenders in this respect. You've obviously got more than enough on your plate right now and sensible, understanding people would realise this.

Better that you nip this in the bud now - even if it does require a robust conversation with your DH - than cope with their expectations and your resentment about them for years to come.

SweetPea3 · 13/10/2014 15:36

YANBU! This kind of thing drives me mad!

Graciescotland · 13/10/2014 15:39

YANBU. I like my guests invited and for a specific period of time.

Original poster

Ychyfi · 13/10/2014 16:02

They're from the UK, although it's true that the whole extended family does seem to think that this is perfectly normal, so in that sense they are operating under a different cultural norm. And that also makes it a bit harder for DH to understand why I find it so hard, although he's trying very hard to support me despite not really getting it.

OP posts:

Inertia · 13/10/2014 16:05

Of course YANBU.

If they want to pick and choose dates for their accommodation they can book a hotel and pay for it.

StackladysMorphicResonator · 13/10/2014 16:12

YANBU at all! TBH, you sound like a saint for putting up with six guests the week you returned to work. Tell them to do one.

sangfreude · 13/10/2014 16:54

Yanbu. It's your home!!

MrsPiggie · 13/10/2014 16:57

YA so NBU. I just don't understand why anyone would be offended if they were told "sorry, this weekend is really not a good time, we cannot cope with visitors." Any sane person should be able to see that it's too much for you. I personally can't cope with house guests more than one weekend a month, it's the only time we get to spend as a family and I expect people to respect that.

trulybadlydeeply · 13/10/2014 17:01

YADNBU. I would never have agreed to the existing 6 you already had! I think you and your DH need to agree what you both do and do not find acceptable, and then stick to it.

MrsAmaretto · 13/10/2014 18:25

YANBU. I say this as a person who made it their New Year Resolution to only let people stay if it was convenient to me. Yes, it's not gone down well saying No, but on the upside I've had less family asking to stay. And I've had 3 peaceful weeks of my mum not speaking to me because I said no. Apparently unreasonable to not use my precious annual leave the week before 2 1/2 weeks of school October holidays.

Original poster

Ychyfi · 14/10/2014 12:21

Thanks everyone - I appreciate it. I was starting to think that it must be me. You have all made me feel much more sane and rational.

OP posts:

pluCaChange · 14/10/2014 12:30

What utter wankers. They're not even pretending to visit you.

queenceleste · 14/10/2014 12:44

YANBU

You really have to put you and your young child first at this critical time. She needs you particularly as she's ill and there is so much change. Also you need as you say, to be with her for YOUR sake.

I think the important thing is to try to be as clear as possible in as much advance as possible.

Sometimes when people have a big place they say 'oh everyone can come and stay! we've finally got room!" and everyone hears and remembers that, and the house owners sometimes forget that it sounded like a massive invite! Not saying that you said that but people do make assumptions based on not very much.

In the long run people can often respect people who are clear about the situation.

amicissimma · 14/10/2014 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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