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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to keep coming back to this?

22 replies

MrsDialEmma · 13/10/2014 14:35

I met my DH when I was around 16. We were great friends that developed in to a relationship. A few weeks after we got together I was introduced to his best friend (BF) and had butterflies when I met him.
DH and I stayed together through Uni and then moved to a place where his BF was also living. We had several drunken nights out in which he tried to kiss me (I know, not a great friend but the chemistry was strong!) which I turned down. At the time the BF and I both worked in crap jobs so would spend hours on email to each other, chatting about all sorts and even met up without DH for coffee etc (DH knew and was happy we were friends.)
Then, when we were in our early-twenties we ended up all living together for a few weeks. At this time DH (not DH at the time) and I were going through a rough patch and BF and I were up one night, setting the world to rights and ended up kissing. The next day DH and I broke up, but still remained friends (he is and always has been my best friend.)
BF and I were then living in different towns and had a relationship in which we spoke on the phone and met up a few times. He told me he was falling in love with me and I felt the same about him. These feeling had been there now for nearly seven years. We met up one day and decided for this to ever work we would have to wait. ( DH feelings, lots of shared friends etc)
Anyway, time went on and I realised how much I missed DH and BF met his now wife. I told DH about us having a fling and he accepted that for us to be together he would have to leave what had happened in the past (he's an amazing, non jealous man.)
DH and I married a few years later and we are happy together. I fancy him still, he is my best friend, an amazing Father. Everynow and again we fall out but we've been together for nearly 17 years and still have a relationship in which we can stay up until the earlier hours of the morning drinking wine, listening to music and talking.
If you are still with me, then thank you! My AIBU is that I can't let my feelings for BF go. When we meet up there is a huge spark between us, last time we met we sat in a large group of our friends on the corner of a table and chatted to each other - I felt so alive. The sparks are the same as when we were 16. Fortunately we live a long way apart now, so don't see him that often but I do go through periods in which I dream about him every night.
I would never leave DH and DD as I love them both dearly and he has a DW and lovely children but sometimes I wonder whether we should have followed our hearts when we were younger.

OP posts:

LemonadeRayGun · 13/10/2014 14:39

Ah, the one that got away! I think many people have one of those. I find myself thinking "what if...?" A lot, it isn't helpful or healthy to be honest. It is perfectly normal that you would think this way but it isn't going to help and will drive you mad. Focus on your lovely life and DH and kids and be grateful for what you have. In all honesty, even if you had followed your feelings in the past you have no idea where you would be now. You could have ended up with nothing xx

FunkyBoldRibena · 13/10/2014 14:43

We've all got one love.

Just enjoy being a lifelong friend.

phantomnamechanger · 13/10/2014 14:44

ah, the grass is always greener.

How many times do you hear of people who finally get what they want in life only to find it's not as great as they thought it would be?

I agree with lemonade, be grateful for what you have and do not do anything to jeopardise that as you may bitterly regret it.

Littleen · 13/10/2014 14:49

I think how you feel is very normal but a bit taboo. I don't think you need to think much of it tbh - some people you might have a huge spark with but that often turns out to be difficult relationships because of it. Sparks often cause fire, good and bad :) Stay with your husband, accept that you probably always will have feelings for your friend, but that these are best brushed off as just what they are - and that if you indeed had a relationship with him and lived with him, they might very well die. Enjoy what you have :) x

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/10/2014 14:53

Sorry OP, I don't think you're going to like what I have to say .

"BF and I were then living in different towns and had a relationship in which we spoke on the phone and met up a few times. He told me he was falling in love with me and I felt the same about him. These feeling had been there now for nearly seven years. We met up one day and decided for this to ever work we would have to wait. ( DH feelings, lots of shared friends etc)"

Really? You both thought you were falling in love with each other, but put this to one side because of your EX's feelings and possible awkwardness amongst some of your friends? At least in 'Casablanca', Bogart and Bergman had to consider the fate of WWII before putting their love aside! Sorry, but that's how it reads - like a melodramatic pass-the-smelling-salts black and white movie.

"We had several drunken nights out in which he tried to kiss me (I know, not a great friend but the chemistry was strong!)"
Obviously not THAT strong. Or you'd have ditched your boyfriend for him.

"The sparks are the same as when we were 16."
Exactly. Those 'sparks' are about being 16, not about him. He is a memory of an earlier, simpler time, before the responsibilities of adulthood. Romance with a capital 'R'. Unrequited swooning. Unreal. Fantasy.

When you were both free, you called it off. He found himself a wife, you went back to the ex that you missed. There was absolutely nothing to stop you getting together, although you both managed to convince yourself that there was.

"sometimes I wonder whether we should have followed our hearts when we were younger."
You did.

Original poster

MrsDialEmma · 13/10/2014 15:02

Thank you all for your replies.

where Your post made me chuckle. Maybe the problem is that I have always wanted to live in a black and white movie - Casablanca is one of my favourite films ;)

I guess writing it down it's hard to explain how complicated it all was. The thing is I love and have always loved DH, which is why I didn't respond to his BF advances. The reason we felt we had to leave it was that DH and BF have been friend since they were 5 and we have lots of (and still do) inter-weaving friends. It would have felt very messy just to start up a relationship together after I'd been with DH for so long.

I agree that it's probably the case that the grass is greener but I don't like the fact I can't shake the feelings I have always held for him.

OP posts:

Sweetpea01 · 13/10/2014 15:06

Can only echo other posters. Most us have one of these.

Try to think of it in realistic terms, most relationships ease off into the humdrum. You never had the opportunity to get to that stage with this man, but no doubt it would have come all the same.
You've done very well to find your DP if you feel about him as you describe. Enjoy him and be happy.

Stupidhead · 13/10/2014 15:16

It does sound like a chick-lit book!

BF remembers you at 20, all young and free without stretch marks, baby belly and no mortgage. You could have chose him but you didn't. Don't make wishful thinking and romantic ideals and 'what ifs' the basis of your fantasies. You sound like you have a fantastic relationship with your DH, build on it and try and remember when you were both madly in love and carefree. Children ARE tiring and it's easy to forget the good stuff when you're sorting socks and scrubbing cisterns, try not to lose sight. I think you're gonna be ok

cherrybombxo · 13/10/2014 15:57

I think some people just have a person who gets under their skin and stays there. You might always feel that attraction but you seem sensible enough to know where your heart truly lies, so just enjoy your fantasies but don't get swept away.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/10/2014 16:01

"The thing is I love and have always loved DH"
Exactly. What you felt for his best friend couldn't trump that. You did follow your heart when you were younger. He was just a small detour that confirmed you were on the right path even though you're left wondering what might have been around the corner.

(So glad it made you chuckle!)

butterbeerfloat · 13/10/2014 16:11

Oh yeah I have one of these! He was no good for me though nor I, him.
I ended up cutting him out completely, never seeing him, speaking to him, no FB, no contact. Haven't seen him in years! It was only fair to my DH and DS, who don't deserve those stupid teenage butterfly feelings to get in the way of our happy family.

missymayhemsmum · 13/10/2014 23:48

You have a DH you love and fancy and have been with since you were very young and a happy family and another lovely male friend with whom you have 'sparks' who makes you feel 16 again without making your DH jealous and lots of other mutual friends.. Is this just a stealth post or are you really thinking of rocking your boat?

missymayhemsmum · 13/10/2014 23:49

sorry meant stealth boast post...

Sickoffrozen · 14/10/2014 08:41

You should have taken your chance when you were younger. Missed the boat!

fluffyraggies · 14/10/2014 09:00

It is possible to fancy the pants off more than one bloke at at time. Even past the age of 20. And 30 and 40 and 50. It doesn't mean anything.

Part of growing up is realising that choices you made in your past have to stay in the past. You were still you back then - you made your choices, no one had a gun to your head, so stand by them and deal with the now.

It's entirely possible that if you could go back to the past as who you are now you might do things differently, with hindsight. But that's the same for 99% of us i should think. (I'd try harder at school and wouldn't marry my XH).

My what if: I used to be totally smitten with my XHs younger brother. We knew each other from age 14. I know the feelings were reciprocated. He was bloody gorgeous. I'd love to know what would have happened if we'd gone with it. But we didn't. End of, really.

poolomoomon · 14/10/2014 09:53

The overwhelming chance is that if you ever did cave into the fantasy that is BF it would not live up to your expectations anyway. Fantasies very very rarely do, trust me. They're better off in your head as a dream or a fantasy and nothing more. We all have them, some peoples fantasies aren't love/sex related but rather moving to another country/giving up their jobs and becoming an artist or whatever. Some people go through with it and well and truly fuck themselves over. I would guess this would happen to you too.

You're in the very fortunate position of having a DH you still love and get along with after such a long time, nearly twenty years! A lot don't ever find that, don't fuck it up with a silly fantasy and 'what if' thoughts.

As another poster pointed out you and BF did have every opportunity to get together but you chose not to, there was a reason for that.

Spindarella · 14/10/2014 09:59

Oh whereyouleftit is so wise. Completely agree with their posts.

and applies that wisdom to self who recently googled boyfriend from teenage years out of curiosity

OhGood · 14/10/2014 10:00

Yep, the one that got away - I have one too, and occasionally still daydream. But I KNOW it's just escapism and what-ifism. He and I had several shots at getting together on a more serious basis and we always didn't.

I am far too grounded and, well, smart, to ever risk what I have with my DH and DCs for him.

Still fancy him, and know he fancies me, and it's an awesome ego boost for us both, but that's it.

R4roger · 14/10/2014 10:06

you made the right choice, you know you did. it is understandable, it is unresolved.

are you coming up to 40 btw as this is a common age to have these sorts of regrets?

i htink you should enjoy what you have with the BF but you know yourself you love your DH more

LaurieFairyCake · 14/10/2014 10:14

Should have shagged him 20 years ago - you'd have gone off him by now

Original poster

MrsDialEmma · 14/10/2014 12:31

missy Not a stealth boast, I promise!

laurie You are probably right!

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsDialEmma · 14/10/2014 12:38

missy And just to add I'm not thinking of acting on this. It just I've had these feelings for a long time. I totally agree with the poster that said about crushes and I've had people come in to my life that I've had little crushes on but that feeling soon disappears.
I guess to have it for so long it must be more than that.
I think as well what I find a bit frustrating is that the two men in my life I have really wanted/loved happened to be best friends. If they weren't I may have been able to 'try out' the other relationship properly without worrying about hurting others.
I agree with everything that everyone has written but would just like not to have the 'what if?' feeling!

OP posts:

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