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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mil calls herself 'my shrink' in front of family

19 replies

Knackered123 · 13/10/2014 10:46

So confused. She has been a real rock in times of need, and spends a lot of time with me encouraging me to be strong. She can be very astute and supportive and I am grateful for that. But sometimes I feel that she is literally trying to take over and telling me exactly what to do with myself and my ds, by way of 'helping'. She likes to take credit for fixing things. It makes me feel belittled. There is also a lot of talking from her side and not much listening so I often feel frustratingly misunderstood. I feel like a child with her, wait ing for the next 'well, it would be better if you did it that way...' Or 'that's not what you should do'.. There is always a counter argument to everything I say and that particularly irritates me when it's regarding my ds

. She makes out that it is her role as grandparent to oversee that he is not treated badly and I get lots of lectures and dramatic soapbox moments on how to be a good mum. To be fair, she does say that I am a good mum, but still...
Yesterday she announced in front of family that she was 'my shrink' and that she is the only person I have to talk too.

Am I being ungrateful? It feels quite controlling but I don't know if I am being too sensitive.. She is a very nice (if outspoken!) person so it's confusing. I know she cares.
Thanks for any advice.

OP posts:

squoosh · 13/10/2014 10:59

'She makes out that it is her role as grandparent to oversee that he is not treated badly'

Seriously?

That statement alone should be a big indication that you should find an alternative person to lean on. It sounds like she has way too much control over your life and the lines of your relationship have become far too blurred.

Where is your partner in all this?

Original poster

Knackered123 · 13/10/2014 11:08

Oh and I are separating due to abusiveness but my antenna are sensing control from her too which is gutting as I feel lost again.

OP posts:

MiscellaneousAssortment · 13/10/2014 11:10

Well congrats to her! She's found a neat way of bigging up her role from grand ma to grand dam.

You need to start a 'nice revolution', where you smilingly and kindly take back control.

Original poster

Knackered123 · 13/10/2014 11:10

I need to see the wood for the trees again. Which I am trying to do. I know in my heart what is right.

OP posts:

gentlehoney · 13/10/2014 11:19

So now you know never to confide in her again. Don't take advice from this woman. She can never be neutral and may be manipulating you. (possibly without meaning to)

AMumInScotland · 13/10/2014 11:31

Oh she is certainly being controlling. Possibly with the best intentions - some people do think it's their job to 'sort out' everyone else's life for them.

Do you have issues with self-confidence? If so, then it is hard to stand up to people like this. But you need to find ways to make it clear that you are managing fine and don't need her to step in at every turn.

That can be polite at first - just saying "Thanks but I've decided to do it this way" or "It's kind of you, but I'm fine thanks". If that doesn't get through, then you may need to be more firm and say "I know you mean well, but DS is my child and it's up to me to make these choices"

If she is a reasonable person, she will back off. If not, you may need to get sharper, and ruder. Laughing out loud or rolling your eyes dramatically are sometimes effective, though a bit passive aggressive. But the best is to stay calm and disengage so that she doesn't have that level of power over what you do.

diddl · 13/10/2014 11:43

"and spends a lot of time with me encouraging me to be strong. "

Sounds to me as if she is spending time keeping you onside/making sure that you do things her way.

Is your abusive oh her son & the father of your child?

If so, perhaps she's worried that she won't see her GS much if you don't "need" her.

Not your problem!

Aeroflotgirl · 13/10/2014 11:50

I woulden't rely on her too much tbh, as you and oh are separating less so. Have you got a good friend to confide in, or your parents?

LadyLuck10 · 13/10/2014 12:02

If you feel upset at this then you need to stop relying on her. You describe her As a rock but then go on to say the opposite. Have you given her the impression that what she's saying is justified to her?

Sunnyrainy · 13/10/2014 12:11

Thank everyone.
Just feel so confused I think I am losiing it sometimes.
Yes I probably encourage it.
I think I upset everyone

Newdawnforever · 13/10/2014 12:54

Cut her out, she's being controlling and manipulating you, your oh didn't pick abusive tendencies off the ground. Disengage and delete from your life.

victoryinthekitchen · 13/10/2014 14:01

put a bit of space between yourselves so you can think more clearly, she sounds really overwhelming. I think it was a horrible thing of her to say when you have been confiding in her.

Sunnyrainy · 13/10/2014 14:48

Thanks all..i think the whole 'you need me or i am worried you will crumble' really hits a raw nerve with me. When i feel i am getting stronger that sort of comment has an un doing effect.

Littleen · 13/10/2014 14:52

Sounds like the relationship between you has been somewhat skewed - I think you need to pull away and find someone else to confide in, and in time she probably will stop thinking she's the only / most important person in your life.

PlanetMJ · 13/10/2014 23:21

I am so sorry that you feel so lost at the moment and wish you all the best as you come through this difficult time. If this woman is making you feel upset and undermined as a mum, but you feel ungrateful for not appreciating her advice, please ask yourself why on earth would you take advice on child rearing from a woman who has raised a son who thinks it is acceptable to be abusive to the mother of his child?

I think your instincts on DS are the ones you should trust.

Pumpkinification · 13/10/2014 23:26

It seems like she is trying to make herself indispensable to you, so she can continue to see your DS (assume she's his DGM?) She may say, may even believe she's got your best interests at heart. It really doesn't sound like she does.

happyhats · 14/10/2014 07:30

You need to try and put some boundaries within the relationship and stick to them! Not easy I know.It's really difficult as I have had control issue with my own mil in past. The final straw though was booking a birthday party for my daughter without even asking me what I had planned! It was really hard at first and there will be lots of emotional blackmail from her "after everything I've done", "I'm only trying to help"!! But if you stick to your guns and seek support elsewhere it will be so much easier in the long run. It is controlling behaviour and you just need to be firm and consistent!

mummytime · 14/10/2014 07:48

You need to find other sources of support. Your own friends and family could be a starting place, but a good outside counsellor could be good too. You can start by talking to your GP, and at least getting advice about what forms of support there are locallly (and recommendation of reputable counsellors). Your local Children's Centre or child's school (you don't say how old he is) may also be able to offer support.
Go on a parenting course, to meet other parents and share stories and to get your parenting skills reinforced.

You could also approach groups like Women's aid, who support in all forms of abuse including "being controlling". The Freedom program would also help you.

AMumInScotland · 14/10/2014 13:01

"I think the whole 'you need me or i am worried you will crumble' really hits a raw nerve with me"

People who genuinely care don't keep reminding you of how fragile you are - they focus on reminding you how much stronger you are becoming.

It's like standing under the climbing frame saying "Don't fall off, it's a long way down" - it makes people far more likely to panic and fall. Far better to say "That's right, you're holding on very well there. You're doing so well".

Whether she's doing it deliberately or is just too insensitive to see what she's doing, her 'help' is actually undermining your confidence, not building it up.

You need to get a bit of emotional distance from her, and find support from people who really want you to not need them forever just to get by, rather than somone who wnts you to stay dependant.

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