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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to shake this friend 'til her pearly white teeth rattle ...

43 replies

UsedtobeFeckless · 13/10/2014 10:04

Old friend ( let's call her Flo ) has totally lost the plot and is stalking me with hourly updates ...

About five years ago her husband had an affair and left. She had a rebound fling with a chap ( let's call him Fred ) which rumbled on for the next four years and finally finished last Christmas with a huge argument ( Think midnight shrieking matches in the middle of the road, police cars etc )

It wasn't ever a very happy union - she likes rich alpha-male types with degrees and Fred is an unemployed pot-head. He worshipped the ground she trod on and she used him as a punch-bag to work out her anger over her rich alpha-male ex-husband ditching her for a younger model. The sex was great, apparently, but she never wanted to act as a couple in public with Fred because he embaressed her.

After they split up last Christmas Fred tried to get back together for a while and then went quiet and Flo was patting herself on the back for having finally got rid of him ... Right up to last week when she ran into him and his new girlfriend in the pub.

He has a job. He has a hair cut. His teeth are fixed. The new girlfriend is slim, cute, well-educated and ten years younger than Flo.

This is where it all went mad. Flo got pissed and decided Fred was the love of her life and it was all a horrible mistake and she had to tell him how she felt. She rang him. She went round to his house. She sent him some toe-curling texts about what she'd like to do to him. He explained he was with someone else now and blocked her number. She got a mutual friend to set up an "accidental" meeting and explained she just wanted to be his friend ( Fred's friend, not the friend's friend ... ) Fred said fine ...

Then she changed her mind. Fred is a half-wit. He's paid someone to pretend to be his girlfriend. She thinks he's mad and insanely possessive and she's had a lucky escape ...

... And twenty-four hours later we're back to he's the love of her life again, and she can't live without him.

Help me! She's turning up at my house at all hours wanting to go on and on about good Fred/bad Fred, she phoned at 7.30 this morning, she was turning up at my work last week wanting me to come to the pub to listen to her woes ... I've known her for ages and she's always been a bit of a drama queen but this is well over the top!

I think she and Fred are a bad combination and she should let him get on with his life and find herself someone she actually respects to have a relationship with but mostly I want her to leave me alone for a bit before she gets me sacked!

Sorry for the epic saga ...

OP posts:
Seafoam · 13/10/2014 10:08

She needs a mental health team.. not you and the pub! .. poor Fred.

Stupidhead · 13/10/2014 10:09

I can see why fred left!

MildDrPepperAddiction · 13/10/2014 10:17

I agree, she need to speak to a professional, not you.

Tryharder · 13/10/2014 10:18

I feel sorry for her. Must be galling. I would be pissed off too if I had wasted 4 years on an unemployed pothead who only can be arsed to sort himself out after I dump him.

Tell her what you have told us but nicely ie to get a grip, let Fred go and sort her life out.

You don't actually sound that much of a good friend. Why not help your friend rather than slagging her off?

Seafoam · 13/10/2014 10:20

Tryharder, it sounds like OP has been supporting her friend best she can for years now.. I too would be exasperated by now!

ChasedByBees · 13/10/2014 10:22

I think you need to tell her she's in danger of being in trouble with the police for harassment and stalking if she continues. It sounds like image is important to her so maybe this will stop her in her tracks.

It's time for blunt home truths. She needs to leave Fred alone.

YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 13/10/2014 10:23

Tell her she needs to see a doctor about her MH. Seriously. Either she will take your advice or she won't want to hear that again every time she sees you and will avoid you. Give her the number for The Samaritans to go and talk to and (only if you want to stay friends) say you don't expect to hear from her again before the weekend. Hope she can sort herself out by then.

YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 13/10/2014 10:24

And yes, talk about stalking too.

freshlysharpenedpencils · 13/10/2014 10:24

i don't know how to help you but I have LOVED reading your story. Very enjoyable.
Is Fred called Richard? If so then I know him.

NewEraNewMindset · 13/10/2014 10:26

Oh god I'm sure I did this kind of man angst all over my Mother and my BF when I was in my late teens. No wonder my friend got rid of me in the end.

You have two choices I think. Either tell her she is driving you mad and must stop with all the phone calls and impromptu work meetings. Or start avoiding her until she gets the message.

UsedtobeFeckless · 13/10/2014 10:39

@Tryharder

I have been saying just that. Over and over. I'm venting on here because I can't in real life. I like her and want her to be happy - but not with him because they bring out the worst in each other. I do get it. She misses the uncritical adoration. Who wouldn't? But I'm actually slightly worried that they'll end up throttling each other if they get back together!

OP posts:
Suzannewithaplan · 13/10/2014 11:05

?
Usedtobe, it sounds infuriating but you tell the tale in such an entertaining and readable manner that I'm wondering if you have potential as a writer?

She sounds like a person who thrives best when life resembles a soap opera style and I doubt that you'll be able to make her see 'sense'
Furthermore I'd be reluctant to help for fear of becoming embroiled in the plot and blamed for something or other.

I apologize if my post seems facetious! ?

Suzannewithaplan · 13/10/2014 11:08

I'm hoping she's not been sending 'erotic' selfies to 'Fred'?

Suzannewithaplan · 13/10/2014 11:12

Also Fred seems to have used her to give him the confidence to 'date up' and then administer himself an upgrade

UsedtobeFeckless · 13/10/2014 11:19

Ooops, Suzanne were you the lady behind us in the cafe? Blush ... Grin We're supposed to be meeting up after work tomorrow, and I suspect I'll get more of the gory details then - I'm hoping the wind will have swung back round to Fred-is-a-massive-waste-of-oxygen which sounds a bit harsh but is better for all and sundry in the long run!

OP posts:
UsedtobeFeckless · 13/10/2014 11:23

From what she said when they were together she did spend a lot of time telling him what a sad state he was in and how he needed to sort himself out and generally be less wet and pathetic ...

OP posts:
Suzannewithaplan · 13/10/2014 11:30

He he, no not me in the cafe, just using my intuitionWink
Fred will be humming this to himself ?

m.youtube.com/watch?v=i9QEAtcz3o8

musicalendorphins2 · 13/10/2014 11:33

Could she be having a manic episode? Does she seem hyped up all of the time and never stop talking?

ilovechristmas1 · 13/10/2014 11:36

the classic she dosent really want him but dosent want anybody else to

tell her to get some self respect and stop making an idiot of herself

she needs straight talking

UsedtobeFeckless · 13/10/2014 11:47

Great song! If there was an extra verse about Facebook stalking it would be totally apt.

musical She talks a mile a minute all the time so it's hard to say!

ilove I'm trying but I don't want to be too brutal - she's going to want to shoot herself anyway when the red mist clears ...

OP posts:
Suzannewithaplan · 13/10/2014 12:07

Oh yes, with facebook you can take obsession over a lost love to a whole new level.

Could she find a new obsession to replace him?
Get religion, take up running?
Does she even realize that she needs to get a grip? ?

UsedtobeFeckless · 13/10/2014 12:25

On and off ...

I think she's only tying herself in knots about him because she hasn't got anyone else on the go at the moment. I think she's convinced herself she's missing the man when it's actually just the sex. I think even though he now looks a bit shinier and more compos mentis if they hooked up again it would be the same old story of rows and grovellings and grudging reconcilliations and more rows until they ended up on Crimewatch.

I'm sounding a bit snarky and flippant because I'm tired and worried about her. I want her to walk away. I'm afraid it might all go spectacularly pear-shaped if she vamps him and then dumps him again because nothing's really changed between them. It sounds like a particulally crap episode of Hollyoaks when you write it down but I don't want either of them to get hurt and she's not listening to me or anyone else and I'm scared of what might happen if they're both drunk and wound up ...

OP posts:
Suzannewithaplan · 13/10/2014 14:08

can you tell her straight that you're really worried about her...in a kind way but in a way that cuts through her being manic about the Fred person?

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 13/10/2014 14:16

Sounds like Flo and Fred bring out the worst in each other. I can understand why she's pissed though. She's spent 4 years trying to polish a turd, only for him to get his act together once she's dumped him.

Thoroughly enjoyed reading your OP! Sorry I've nothing else to add.

ChippingInLatteLover · 13/10/2014 14:19

Move & change all your contact numbers?

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