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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have sided with my friends husband?

14 replies

Sickoffrozen · 13/10/2014 08:37

My friend wants another baby. She has one DS aged 5 and a DSD age 13 who she has known since she was 3.

She is now talking about splitting up with her husband because he won't agree to another one.

It gets complicated as when they got together he told her that he didn't want any more children and she went along with this as she too thought she didn't want children. She was 29 at the time and is now 39. She changed her mind and her husband agreed to one but again at that time he said it would only be one and no more. She was happy with that. Now she is arguing with him all the time as she wants another and he doesn't (he is 50)

She thinks he is being unfair but personally, I don't really as he made it clear at the start and it was he who compromised 5 years ago.

I'm not sure she is really going to leave but I told her she is mad even thinking of it. Her husband is a lovely man and she has a good life. It's a huge risk in my opinion especially as there are no guarantees she will be able to meet someone and have another anyway.

I can see the reason she has the longing for another but it's not like he has lied to her or anything. He gave her the option of walking away at the very start of their relationship if she wanted a big family but she chose not to.

I think he has been reasonable really.

Was I wrong to have pointed this out and should I have just gone along with what she wanted to hear? I just don't want them to split up as they are a lovely couple and in general pretty happy.

OP posts:

Seafoam · 13/10/2014 08:41

Yanbu to be honest with her.

As someone who knows that primal, desperate urge to carry another baby.. she is not unreasonable to not be able fight that, but he has been crystal clear and she is being unfair. . He is 50 after all.

I doubt she'll actually leave. Hopefully they'll work through it.

Bunbaker · 13/10/2014 08:44

Her desire to have a baby does not trump his to not have one.

Only1scoop · 13/10/2014 08:44

Yanbu to be honest with her....wouldn't be right to just tell her what she wants to hear.

WooWooOwl · 13/10/2014 08:48

You aren't wrong to have pointed out that her husband has done nothing wrong.

Does she realise that her husband has done nothing wrong and that they just want different things, or does she really resent him and think he should change his mind?

Pensionerpeep · 13/10/2014 08:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Sickoffrozen · 13/10/2014 08:50

She is starting to resent him. She seems to be unable to acknowledge that he has been straight with her.

OP posts:

Bowlersarm · 13/10/2014 08:53

Yanbu, and I agree with you. She'll find it hard to agree though as all she'll be thinking about is her 'need'for another baby.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 13/10/2014 08:55

YANBU to tell her, but she would be unreasonable to stay in a marriage if she is so desperately unhappy.

I want another baby. My husband does not, and we always agreed only one. I am the one who has moved the goal posts. I have accepted that I am the one who needed to make a choice, and I decided I loved my current family more than the hope of another child. It would be hugely unreasonable of me to argue with my husband all the time over it and threaten to leave in the hope he changes his mind. I hope your friend can eventually be happy, whatever she decides to do.

TerrorAustralis · 13/10/2014 08:58

Yanbu. But if she's managed to bully him into having one child, she probably thinks she can do it again.

Bettercallsaul1 · 13/10/2014 09:00

This is a very sad situation, OP. It is very difficult for the couple as, while your friend's husband is being completely reasonable (and has been for the past ten years), he is fighting a completely irrational, desperate hunger in your friend's desire to have a final baby. At thirty-nine, her fertility is on the wane, and this is very much a last-minute chance - some women really do feel desperate.

But anyone outside the situation can see that the husband is right not to give in - it is completely wrong to bring a child into the world without wanting it. There is a third person with rights here too - the potential child, and he/she has the right to two willing and committed parents.

I think you have been doing all you can in a very difficult situation, where you obviously care about all concerned. In the end, though, your help must must be limited to giving advice to your friend if she asks for it, and then try to support her as best you can as she makes a very difficult, individual decision.

PiperIsOrange · 13/10/2014 09:04

I would love another baby, but DH doesn't so much he had the snip.

I wouldn't leave him to have another child, because he means more to me than a hypothetical child.

I think your friend needs help to address this broodiness.

LadyLuck10 · 13/10/2014 09:12

Yanbu, he was honest with her from the start and even compromised later on to have a child. She beginning to resent him but that's her own fault. She knew what she was getting into.

Original poster

Sickoffrozen · 13/10/2014 09:18

I agree Ladyluck. I think that is maybe what is eating away at her.

OP posts:

cherrybombxo · 13/10/2014 16:22

I know a woman who just couldn't handle seeing her children grow up so kept having more, and her kids are 20, 18, 13 and 8. She bullied her husband into having the younger two and finally he got the snip because he wanted to enjoy the rest of his life without any more babies. His wife was driving him mad with it.

Your friend is threatening everything she holds dear with this behaviour, and her desire to have another kid is not more important this is desire not to. She got what she wanted after he explicitly told her that it wasn't what he wanted. She should be happy with what she has.

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