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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell SIL she's neurotic?

24 replies

LuckyLopez · 12/10/2014 21:49

Way back when she was pregnant with DN she made me promise to tell her if she turned into 'one of those mothers' and went on to describe what she meant. We're very close friends as well as sils and have known each other a long time.

When DN was a newborn she was great. Relaxed, cool and fab. She would leave him with family to have time with her DH and was great about letting my dc cuddle him etc. He's now approaching his first birthday and she's gone super clingy to him. Won't let anyone feed him, put him to bed, avoids driving with him because he doesn't like his car seat and all this includes BIL.

Tonight he's phoned and asked me to talk to her. He's tried but it keeps turning into an argument and he's worried.

Would you get involved and what would you say? I'm y aware I'll get 'keep your nosy beak out' comments but please be sure I love her to death and just want to help. I won't actually use the word neurotic.

OP posts:
BestZebbie · 12/10/2014 21:52

Postnatal depression?

ILovePud · 12/10/2014 21:54

She sounds like she's having a tough time of things at the moment, has she become overly anxious or rigid about other things? I think if you approach her from the perspective of trying to find out how she's feeling and if there's anything you can do to help that will be better received.

sanfairyanne · 12/10/2014 21:55

not sure if she was 'relaxed cool and fab' because she was happy to leave her baby at first? often women are as you describe her now, but in the first few months. did she have problems bonding perhaps initially?

Leeds2 · 12/10/2014 21:57

I would speak to her, yes, as someone has asked for help! But, I guess, be prepared to be shown the door.

PecanNut · 12/10/2014 22:00

I would talk to her, yes. Just ask questions and listen to see if you can understand what is going on. Don't judge and don't criticise (hard, I know!)

Original poster
LuckyLopez · 12/10/2014 22:01

Postnatal depression is what I'm worried about. There was no issue bonding as far as I can tell but obviously I don't live there. BIL didn't seem to think so when I asked about PND possibility.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 12/10/2014 22:03

What's the baby's personality like?

If he's a fusspot, she might just think it's easier to do everything herself as she knows what'll stop him crying.

Fairylea · 12/10/2014 22:07

I wouldn't leap to assuming depression from that alone. Lots of mums (me included) don't really like anyone else doing anything - although unless she has reasons regarding her dh it seems odd and sad not to let him take over / parent sometimes!

My ds is 2.4 and has never been baby sat or looked after by anyone except me or dh. It's just the way we like it.

I think it depends on the overall picture really. I'm not sure you can do much apart from be there for her and keep talking.

Original poster
LuckyLopez · 12/10/2014 22:08

Yes that's the reasoning she gives. He's not unusually high maintenance but yes she knows the quick fixes and doesn't like to see him upset. Completely natural I know but it's at the expense of BILs relationship with him by the sounds of it.

The baby himself is quite happy to be held by other people. Puts his arms up to be picked up and plays beautifully with my dc.

I'm going to see if she'll come out with me one evening this week.

OP posts:
Original poster
LuckyLopez · 12/10/2014 22:09

fairylea whilst I can understand that if that's how you've always preferred it, but SIL wasn't up until quite recently.

OP posts:
Fairylea · 12/10/2014 22:13

I see what you mean but then I think young babies are generally easier to pass about than toddlers..I actually think it's harder to leave a toddler / older baby with someone as like you say they don't know the "quick fix" so I sort of see why she's changed recently.

She does need to let her dh be more involved though.

MrTumblesSpottyHag · 13/10/2014 06:40

Is she due back at work soon? I got quite panicky around then and wanted to spend every available moment with DD. not so much now she's a terrible two Grin

Original poster
LuckyLopez · 13/10/2014 19:51

No she's not going back to work which is another new development. She always wanted to return to her job (middle management) and BIL is concerned about their finances bid she has changed her mind.

OP posts:
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 13/10/2014 19:57

Maybe shes getting anxious because hes about to turn 1 and shes wondering when the time with him went.

We all know that babies grow at lightning speed, maybe she feels she didnt have enough moments with him in the first year.

Brassrubbing · 13/10/2014 20:09

I don't think there's anything to be gained by you intervening. There's nothing at all wrong with what she's doing, other than its impact on her husband's relationship with their baby, so he needs to be the one to speak, and to keep trying until they succeed in discussing it. It's no one else's affair, and in her shoes, surely most women would resent discovering their parenting was being discussed in the extended family?

The fact that you personally prefer a more 'relaxed, cool and fab' style of parenting, as she did before she had her child, is neither here nor there. None of us knows the kind of parent we'll be in advance, and our wishes and compromises can change rapidly as the child grows and needs change. She may simply be picking her battles temporarily, and will return to being more relaxed when he gets a bit older.

sanfairyanne · 13/10/2014 22:00

she just sounds like a lot of other mums from what you say so far. plenty of women, once they have kids, see their jobs in a different light and reassess their priorities
up to bil and sil to sort this one out themselves

olgaga · 13/10/2014 23:22

She sounds completely normal to me!

Her baby has changed, she now has experience and the confidence to express her preferences. It would be a bit weird if she hadnt changed!

I think the BIL needs to discuss his unhappiness with her - I don't see what you can say to her without sounding critical and judgey.

She sounds quite contented being one of "those" mothers Grin!

BlinkAndMiss · 13/10/2014 23:33

I think she's realised what she wants, rather than what she thought she wanted. Learning about life with a baby takes time, I know it did for me. I didn't have PND and your SIL sounds like me, I was more than happy with other people taking over when DS was younger but then one day I found my confidence. And I certainly didn't want other people de-railing what I'd figured out for myself. I guess I just realised that actually, I did know best.

I don't think it's up to you to say anything, it isn't anyone else's business at all. If BIL doesn't like it then he needs to speak to her himself, if you say something you might make her feel like she's doing things 'wrong' and that really isn't fair on her.

BlinkAndMiss · 13/10/2014 23:35

Lots of Xposts :) Great minds :)

figgieroll · 13/10/2014 23:59

It's a normal developmental stage for babies to turn ultra clingy at about one year. They realise they are separate from their mothers and it scares them. Look it up if you need confirmation.

But also it's NOT normal to leave your baby willy nilly as a new born. That makes me wonder if she really bonded properly in the early days?

It's normal for a man to have to take a lower priority when there are babies on the scene. Yes he might have his nose put out of joint for a year or two but that is the nature of child rearing. I think her DH needs to mature quickly and think about the bigger picture and supporting his wife

No one was able to prepare me for the depth of feeling i had when my children were born. There's an animal instinct to protect and care that's awoken. Took me totally by surprise

figgieroll · 14/10/2014 00:05

Yes and I agree it's totally acceptable and admirable for a woman to assess her direction post children. It's good to make changes if needed. Most women strive to make their children's lives as good as they can be

QueenofallIsee · 14/10/2014 09:16

I would not get involved unless the Mother expressed concern about her own behavior as it was happening. Your BIL needs to deal with his concerns himself, not by committee.

  • He is worried about money as she wants to be a SAHP. He needs to sit with her, go through the finances and behave like an adult.
  • He feels that she is pushing him out. He needs to explain, calmly, that he feels as though he is not able to parent his child and ask what it is that makes her uncomfortable.

Even if it comes from a good place, your interference would not be a good thing I don't think

kentishgirl · 14/10/2014 14:33

The only real problem is her pushing BIL out. He needs to talk to this about it himself, he can't delegate it to someone else.

It would be a huge mistake to get in the middle of this. It's their marriage, their child, their life. They need to agree between them how it's all going to work.

ZombiePartridge · 14/10/2014 14:39

But also it's NOT normal to leave your baby willy nilly as a new born. That makes me wonder if she really bonded properly in the early days?

I met plenty of people who were fine to let others hold their babies (particularly PFBs) when they were tiny, because it meant that they got 5 minutes to themselves occasionally. I was one of them Grin

Basically if your SIL's behaviour has changed recently and you're concerned about the speed of the change, maybe ask her if she is ok. It sounds a bit like BIL has tried to talk to her himself and got nowhere if he's asking you for help.

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