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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to refuse to run with my friend?

17 replies

abitwrong123 · 11/10/2014 21:45

I run two to three times a week and go to the gym in between. I do it because I like it, I'm not evangelical about it, it's just something I do and enjoy.

My friend has a partner who is convinced they have depression, doctor says no apparently, I don't know if that's true or not. Friend says that is the conclusion but obviously I'm not privy to medical appointments and wouldn't think it any of my business in any case.
My friend told me the details above and asked me to take her partner out running to see if it would make them a bit more positive and help in general with their health.She says her partner has put on a lot of weight and has a lot of regular low level health issues such as colds, joint problems etc etc.

So I suggested signing up for a local run together as that would give her something to aim for and keep her running regularly.
Her partner said she was really up for it, came out running a few times, I did ask a couple of times if she really wanted to do the race and made it clear I wouldn't fuss either way. I don't think it's fair to try to pressure anyone into doing something they might not enjoy or want to do of their own free will and i was worried she was railroaded into doing this by my friend.

So anyway.... there is now a week to go to the race, it's 10 miles. She hasn't run at all for over three weeks and the furthest she has run is about 5 miles but that was with walking breaks. Prior to her last run she was only coming out once or twice a week.

I went round during the week and said I don't want to take her to the race, she hasn't trained enough to do it safely, I don't want to be responsible for her injuring herself.
My friend and her partner are indignant, they both say she has run a half marathon with no training but 1. that was years ago and 2. she took so long she was on the verge of being disqualified.

So they are both now saying I am not being a good friend and it's her choice and I am not helping her mental health.

Am I being unreasonable to say, if she wants to go to the race that's up to her but I am going on my own and won't support her on the race day. I can't work out if that's too harsh or not!

OP posts:

HeySoulSister · 11/10/2014 21:54

No it's not harsh.... Depends how you say it

Trick is to get her to say 'run on, don't wait around for me'

BIWI · 11/10/2014 21:58

But if she wants to run, it's her responsibility, not yours! Let her run. If she can't keep up/complete the run, it's nothing to do with you.

RJnomore · 11/10/2014 21:58

No you are completely right and it is totally unfair of her to put you in the situation where you feel you might be contributing to her being hurt.

Running a lone race will not help her MH. Running regularly might (if she is like my DH)

And as for running a half marathon with no training - cannot begin to explain the stupidity in that. Don't be guilted into this. when if she injures herself it would no doubt be your fault too.

HeySoulSister · 11/10/2014 22:01

Doubt she would injure herself tho.... She would likely just stop and walk it

AgentZigzag · 11/10/2014 22:06

I would say what you have to say re the safety side, and then leave it to her as an adult to decide what she wants to do.

Saying you won't support her on the day could sound as though you're not going to generally support her in her quest to feel better, whereas I suspect that what you're actually saying is that you're not going to 'babysit' her on the day and run round with her? (could be wrong).

Are you concerned you'll feel responsible if anything bad happens to her on the way round, or even that you'll be held responsible by other people who knew she was running with you?

It's maybe not worth spoiling the friendship you have over something that will be over as soon as you've done the run.

AgentZigzag · 11/10/2014 22:08

'Running a lone race will not help her MH'

It's not necessarily a lone race.

The sense of achievement might spur her on to either try other things that she'll enjoy or carry on running with more of a passion?

RJnomore · 11/10/2014 22:20

Fair point agent, to be totally honest I hadn't thought of that but I still think that if she isn't ready to put in the time to get ready for the race, the actual race as a one of event won't really spur her on much. After all, it isn't much of an achievement when she can already run a half marathon without training!

Also she already has joint problems...

Stuckonthebaby · 11/10/2014 22:20

I don't see why you can't just go with her but make it clear you want to run your own race. It's her responsibility to ensure she can make it round so as long as she's not holding you back I don't see a problem. Surely she's adult enough to make her own decisions - you've voiced your concerns, let her get on with it and try not to say I told you so when she can barely walk the next day

gregsageek · 11/10/2014 22:29

I would also go with her, but then run at your own pace. She is going to realise pretty quickly that she can't run all of it. But it's only 10 miles, she will stop and walk, and I think it's unlikely she'll actually injure herself. Maybe after you can offer to go on short runs with her again?

JumpAndTwist · 11/10/2014 22:49

You are behaving like her mum not her friend.

If she rocks up to the race insufficiently trained, so what? That happens all the time with groups of running friends.

Last race I did, it was me who had been crap at training. The others ran ahead, we met at the end. We had a lovely day.

If one of my mates had turned up on my doorstep announcing about me I don't want to take her to the race, she hasn't trained enough to do it safely, I don't want to be responsible for her injuring herself.

She is a grown up. She can make her own decisions. Even if you don't agree with them.

I'm not sure what I'd have done in her position. Maybe laughed in your face, told you to fuck off, used the phrase "pompous cow" or "you are not the boss of me".

You owe her an apology for treating her like a child just because she is a bit depressed. No wonder people don't like talking about MH issues. Sheesh.

KnackeredMuchly · 11/10/2014 23:00

Yanbu to advise her against it

Yabu to say you wont support her if she does it

arethereanyleftatall · 11/10/2014 23:33

It's only ten miles, not an iron man in the Sahara. She can walk it in a few hours if running gets too hard. By all means say you want to run at your own pace, but I think what you said to her was pompous.

AgentZigzag · 11/10/2014 23:41

'After all, it isn't much of an achievement when she can already run a half marathon without training!'

Attempting a 10 mile run isn't an achievement??

The half marathon was years ago, it could give her the hope that she's got a good chance of finishing 10 miles though, it's an achievable goal she can focus on when things get bad (aside from the happy chemicals exercise stimulates in the brain)

I mean, you've got to give it to her on the marathon thing, the determination she must have had to finish it no matter what is fucking impressive!

MrsBennington · 11/10/2014 23:52

let her run but don't be the one to offer transport or you will get cold/bored waiting for her to finish (been there) run your own race. Her fitness/depression have nothing to do with you and it's actual a bit shit of them to imply that you are affecting her mental health - think I would be re-evaluation this particular friendship.

umbongoumbongo · 12/10/2014 00:21

Just take her and let her jog/walk the rest when she gets to 5 mile point and runs out of steam. I managed a hilly marathon with nowhere near enough training and a crap time but I still did it and the medal will hang on my wall forever..

Bulbasaur · 12/10/2014 01:58

and I am not helping her mental health.

It isn't your responsibility to.

But in the spirit of friendship, I'd say let her go, but you're not waiting for her and ruining your run time.

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 12/10/2014 04:36

I volunteer at a lot of races as a marshal, and it is incredibly frustrating if people enter a race and then decide to walk the course. I am quite often stuck out in a field in the middle of nowhere along the course, and can't leave my post until the last runner has gone past.

If that runner turns out to be a walker I'd be furious. Its called a 10 mile run for a reason.

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