wibu to have a rant...

[MsColouring]

at my ex. Or should I keep quiet as usual.

Short history - me and ex split nearly 4 years ago. Kids were 4 and 1 at the time. He wanted 50:50, mediation which ended up with him completely mentally crushing me and not letting me speak up for myself. Court case which resulted in kids living with me but with contact order.

Well ever since the contact order was put in place ex continues to be difficult. Every time there are holiday arrangements to sort, if I disagree with his first proposal he goes on about further court action or I get a letter from his solicitor. He hasn't paid any maintenance for over three years and I got a bit of a raw deal financially from the divorce settlement. Despite this, he acts as if I still owe him something. I have got on with my life and I have met someone else.

Anyway, the thing that has really got my goat is that he seems determined to completely isolate the children from anyone else whenever he has them. They never see any friends or family when they are with him except when they go and visit his family a couple of times a year. He has said I can't drop anything round for the children as it interrupts their weekend. He has also said he now won't take them to any parties on his weekends as he wants them to spend it together. DD has a cub sleepover next weekend she would really like to go to but the answer is no as it's his weekend. He even tried to fix the Christmas holiday dates so that the children wouldn't see their cousins on my side of the family (but I think his solicitor might have put him right on that one)

So I want to have a bit of a rant (through our contact book) about how the children's social development is important and how he'll destroy his relationship with the children if he stops them from doing things they want to do. I know I won't be listened to but at least I might feel like I am sticking up for the kids. I will also probably get some abuse back.

I know he can do what he likes with his weekends with the children which is why I usually keep quiet but it is upsetting me seeing my children left out.

'having a rant' at him via your contact book is not going to help matters. as he likes to threaten you, i can see him easily turning your email into 'evidence' of your 'interference' and 'harassment' and using it against you.

i know you want to hit back at him in someway but if i were you i would pick my battles more carefully. the most important one is, from your post if I disagree with his first proposal he goes on about further court action or I get a letter from his solicitor. He hasn't paid any maintenance for over three years. So call his bluff! or even better send your own letter back (after getting legal advice) stating his negligence of his financial responsibilities to the dc and that you will be pursuing them. He can't go to court for any reason regarding the dc without that coming up!
arrange your holidays as it suits you/dc and don't be cowed by his threats. whether he's serious or not, either way you win because if he goes to court regarding 'his time' with the dc, he's going to find that the court will put his dc needs first and he will 'lose out' as no doubt he sees it. plus, if it goes to court things like christmas/holidays/activities all can get formalised on paper so he can't pick arguments about it after.

detach yourself emotionally from him and his games, and deal with his antics in a more firm and serious manner, otherwise you'll just go round in circles getting angrier.

Pursue him financially, it's not right he pays nothing.

Give up on the kids doing anything on his weekends as he (unfortunately cos he's a cock womble) gets to choose what to do.

Ignore anything he says to you unless it's in a solicitors letter and ignore that until you've asked on here - don't spunk any more money on solicitors unless you have to.

I agree, it's very unfair that he neglects his financial responsibilities but demands his rights so forcefully. I have no knowledge of how things like Child Maintenance can be enforced, but others will be able to guide you in that respect. Think how much money he's saved himself over three years!!

Sadly, I think that Laurie is right that you'll have to resign yourself to his weekends being non-negotiable for the time being. With a bit of luck he will develop more of a social life and therefore have occasion to need a bit of flexibility (which should work both ways).

In addition, you've obviously done a good job in shielding your DC from the arsines of his behaviour, but I'd imagine that they'll shortly be of an age to ask Daddy to let them attend a sleepover or party or whatever and seeing his unyielding response. There's only so far "I miss you so much during the week; I want to spend every minute of our weekends together" will wash.

MsColouring I agree with what has been already said, very good advice - it would be best for the time being to give your DCs as much social activity during your time of care and accept that the chances of influencing your Ex to do what you want during his period of care, are very low.

Whne the DCs are a little older they can start to state their preference, and if their father doesnt support their needs, they will manage that as part of their relationship with hi, not something you need to be a part of ( definitely less stress for you ), they will find a way. Meanwhike do everything you can according to your own parental style.

Not sure if you have heard of parallel parenting. It is worth checking out. It is useful where the two parents cant get along, and it just means a separation so that each parent can do a "good enough" job of bringing up their DCs separately without acrimony or confrontation. Sometimes, sadly, thats the only way.