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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave exDP stranded rather than let him drink drive?

26 replies

whatelsewasitodo · 10/10/2014 22:41

Came back from a working break today and he was drinking this morning, hadn't eaten and was obviously quite affected by the drink, even to the point when boarding our plane a steward asked if he was ok and warned him that he would feel 3x more affected once on the plane - he also asked what our seat numbers were.

It was a short flight and he slept, when we arrived I told him he was not safe to drive - he flipped and said he was fine. I suggested we book into the airport hotel and travel back in the morning or even go and get something to eat and hang around travelling back late tonight. He refused and said I could do what I liked but he was going to get the car, stormed off with 2 of the cases leaving me with 2 and hand luggage.

Luckily I had the keys in my pocket so I sat for a while waiting for him to come back and he didn't so I asked a taxi how much it would cost to get home, it was £100 so I decided to wait for the bus to the train station. I texted Ex to let him know and to ask him to reconsider staying at the hotel. He texted back that I was trying to stop him seeing his children!! WTF?? I know he was due to see them tonight as usual but I figured he could see them tomorrow (rather than never again if he caused an accident!!)

He sent many abusive texts, he ended up getting a taxi, I had an hour bus trip, dragging two bloody heavy cases and a bag with 2 laptops across to the train station then a 2 hour train journey.

The car is stuck at the airport and he is apparently very pissed off with me!! I really have no idea what I could have done, I gave him options, but he seems to think I had no right to stop him driving, I should have given him the keys and made my own way home.

I'm not wrong here am I? Fair enough if he wants to do something reckless that wouldn't endanger anyone else, like jump into a quarry but if i'd given him those keys and he'd caused an accident I would never have forgiven myself. :(

OP posts:
CocktailQueen · 10/10/2014 22:44

Nope, you are right and he is a twat. Have you considered shopping him to the police next time he drink drives? Why was he drinking in the morning?!

NoArmaniNoPunani · 10/10/2014 22:45

Assuming you can't drive, you did the correct thing

PiperIsOrange · 10/10/2014 22:46

You did the right thing.

I believe if you are driving then you shouldn't drink any alcoholic drinks.

NotYouNaanBread · 10/10/2014 22:46

I don't entirely follow - you went on holiday with your ex-DP, leaving your joint children behind? Or you went on a holiday with your DP (without children), and broke up over the drinking thing? But you say he was due to see the children tonight? Was it an attempt at reconciliation?

Either way, no, you were not unreasonable to prevent him from driving if he was drunk.

FunkyBoldRibena · 10/10/2014 22:48

Presuming he stormed off and you had the keys, not much more you could do.

Darkandstormynight · 10/10/2014 22:49

You did the right thing. But what a PITA!

AgentZigzag · 10/10/2014 22:51

YWNBU to stop him from driving if you thought the alcohol was still at those kinds of levels.

How much had he had to drink, and how long between his last drink and him wanting to drive?

It's the irony of how he thinks he can make the choice over whether he's had too much or not when his thinking is impaired by alcohol that gets me. Which is why they try to get you to measure it in units I suppose.

Original poster
whatelsewasitodo · 10/10/2014 22:52

I could have given him the keys and then called the police but I thought preventing him altogether would be better. He drinks a lot unfortunately, he wouldn't have listened to me if i'd told him to stop drinking either. I can drive but I'm not insured on his car and have never driven it.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 10/10/2014 22:53

I was wondering where the ex bit of it came in too Naan, I made it up thought maybe she'd dumped the fucker for behaving like a twat.

Janethegirl · 10/10/2014 22:53

You were right, there's never any reason to drive when drunk.

AgentZigzag · 10/10/2014 22:54

You were right to keep hold of the keys then, much better than a hit/miss thing after calling the police, too much risk to other people then.

Original poster
whatelsewasitodo · 10/10/2014 22:57

I agree with you Piper, I won't touch alcohol if I know I have to drive. The children are his with his Ex Wife, she actually rang when we were boarding to make sure he was back today and I could hear her ask if he was driving back as he sounded pissed! He is my ex but we work together, are friends and generally get on ok.

OP posts:
Darkandstormynight · 10/10/2014 23:36

Years ago I gave a housewarming party and invited an ex boyfriend as we were friends. We were close to getting engaged and I broke off the relationship for scads of reasons but one was that he was a raging alcoholic.

After the party, which went very late, ex was absolutely loaded. I tried everything to try to get this ex to give up his keys. He was very angry and after literally hours of me trying to get the keys, I gave in. He made it quite clear that he would give me the keys, if I slept with him! I was in my 20's and I Should have called the police, but I was absolutely terrified of him and the situation. I also Should have accepted when another male friend called two hours later and asked if I wanted him to come over. But I felt it was my problem and I refused.

In the end, against my better judgement, I gave him the keys. This was hours later, and he was still very drunk. He promptly got into an accident when trying to get on the highway. Thank heavens no one was hurt. He called me hours later, ripping me apart for 'letting him go'. Like I had much of a choice. He had the keys, was lording it over me, and wanted to 'compromise' by me sleeping with him, which I was NOT going to do.

So like I said, I think you did the right thing. I wish I had done the right thing. I was young and stupid but I still should have called the Police.

deakymom · 11/10/2014 14:15

well you did the right thing anyway so text him and say i hope you have sobered up now i will accept your apology and we shall say no more about your murder/suicide attempt Grin.............. well i would if it were MY ex as i know he would feel like a knob and be looking for a simple way out of the mess he made

Mouthfulofquiz · 11/10/2014 17:27

If you work together but have no kids together (so no need to worry about maintaining such a good relationship) he needs to hear a few home truths. You could do this at work, seeing as you were on a work trip and he was drinking during the day.

FuckOffFerret · 11/10/2014 17:34

yanbu and he is lucky you didn't call the police. I would have. If he was willing to do it this time I assume he done before and will do it again. Hopefully not with his children in the car

Gruntfuttock · 11/10/2014 17:43

"yanbu and he is lucky you didn't call the police. I would have. If he was willing to do it this time I assume he done before and will do it again. Hopefully not with his children in the car"

How about other motorists and passengers? Drunk drivers don't only endanger the people in their own cars, but other road users too. I would be informing the police of his insistence on drinking and driving. Thank goodness you were able to stop him this time, but how about the next time, when you're not there? He could kill or badly injure someone (or several people) next time and you know there will be a next time.

specialsubject · 11/10/2014 18:20

Thank you for keeping a drunk off the road. I'm not too worried if drunk drivers kill themselves, but as pointed out, there are other people on the road.

but yes, if you'd called the cops he definitely would have had a harder time doing it again. And he WILL do it with the kids on board.

halfwildlingwoman · 11/10/2014 18:23

You did the right thing. And you can't reason with a drunk, so don't try!

Original poster
whatelsewasitodo · 20/10/2014 20:33

Thanks for all of the replies, he has half heartedly apologised but the car is still at the airport! He reckons he can't afford to get it out (whilst pissing any money he has got up the wall!) so it's wracking up daily charges.

He's such a tosser! He's pissed me off even more today - long bloody story but I now need to go round to his and rip him a new one! My fault for allowing him to continue treating me the way he did when we were together. Abusive arsehole :(

OP posts:
AbbieHoffmansAfro · 20/10/2014 21:23

Don't go round! Just detach. Leave him to it. Policing an abusive ex's behaviour is no kind of life.

Original poster
whatelsewasitodo · 21/10/2014 19:22

Wish I'd taken your advice - it didn't end well. He owes me money but that is the only reason I need to have any contact with him, he was absolutely vile last night and I realise now that we can't be friends, he has no friends and I'm not surprised, he uses people to help himself. Just hope I get my money back.

OP posts:
louloudoodah · 21/10/2014 22:06

Does he owe you a lot? Can you just cut your losses or take him to small claims over it?
He sounds a right twat btw

Original poster
whatelsewasitodo · 21/10/2014 22:32

He turned up earlier, gave me over half the cash back, said he'd got the car (his ex wife drove him to the airport - she's the main reason we split, due to him putting her before us) so I told him to get the rest to me by the weekend (approx £700), he asked me to go back to his with DD and I said no. I really think he is at rock bottom and although I do still care about him, I can't waste my life with some arse who uses people, wants comfort from me after treating me like crap and is so bloody selfish!! Onwards and upwards etc... NC once my money is back!

OP posts:
AbbieHoffmansAfro · 23/10/2014 13:35

Sounds like a good plan!