Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to refuse to allow exH to come along to DDs hospital appointment?

13 replies

CloudiaPickle · 08/10/2014 22:35

DD is 8 and sees her father eow only.He never asks about her or speaks to her in between and is only interested in things he has a 'right' to do (like parents evening) rather than things it might be nice for DD if he did - like sports day, concerts etc.

He has shown no interest whatsoever in her health in 8 years. A few months ago he took DD to an inappropriate concert and didn't provide ear protection. She already had sensitive ears and said she sat crying throughout because it was so loud and painful but he wouldn't leave because the tickets were expensive. Afterwards she had hearing loss for a fortnight, ear pain and an ear infection. I don't know if it's linked but she's subsequently had 4 ear infections requiring antibiotics and has been referred to an ENT pediatrician for further investigation.

When I told exH this last month, he was disinterested as usual. However, last time he saw DD he goadingly asked in front of me if she wanted to go and watch another concert. She said no, seeing as the last one hurt and damaged my ears. He was furious, saying I have munchausens syndrome (!) and have tricked DD into thinking there's something wrong when there isn't. He is demanding I tell him the details of the appointment so he can come too - and no doubt cause a scene about me being crazy.

He was abusive to me in every way when married and tries his best to continue to be now, I will have my other DC with me for the appointment who are uncomfortable around him and moat importantly - DD doesn't want him there.

AIBU to refuse to allow him to come?

OP posts:
3littlefrogs · 08/10/2014 22:37

Why does he know about the appointment?
I wouldn't tell him.

3littlefrogs · 08/10/2014 22:40

There is every chance that her hearing has been damaged by his stupidity. Sad
Please make sure that the loud concert and the hearing loss are documented in her medical records.

MsVestibule · 08/10/2014 22:45

The ONLY reason I would want him to come is so he could hear for himself from the doctors what an idiot he was for taking his daughter to this concert, and yes, it's likely to have affected her hearing.

But no, YANBU to not want him to go with you. Stand your ground, don't tell him when it is.

TooMuchCantBreath · 08/10/2014 23:03

Wow 8yo is young for a concert - from someone who enjoys taking her dc to concerts! Anyway, ime a consultant will have no interest in a parent sat in an appointment saying the other is crazy. They have the information from the gp (or you wouldn't have an appointment) and the information they gather themselves when they see you. What the parent says only makes up a portion of the picture so your exh is unlikely to get far in any case. The consultants I know would have no issue with hearing him out then firmly ensuring everyone else gets their turn to explain the symptoms (particularly dd).

Personally I wouldn't try to block him, you'll be playing into his hands by denying him his "rights" instead smile sweetly and think how nice it will be to be sat right there when an expert explains that children that age really shouldn't be exposed to extreme levels of noise especially when they are complaining of pain

Original poster
CloudiaPickle · 09/10/2014 07:23

She was 7 at the time. She is intimidated by him, particularly after his angry reaction when she said she doesn't want to go to a concert again, so might not openly talk about it if hewere there for fear of upsetting him.

OP posts:
auntpetunia · 09/10/2014 07:48

Let him go with you introduce him as the asshole who took his 7 year old daughter to an inappropriately loud concert without protection and let the consultant do the rest.

Littlef00t · 09/10/2014 07:53

Can see where pp posters are coming from saying useful for him to hear the doctors view, but if dd and other dc don't want him, he doesn't get to come.

Record doctor if you think he'll listen to explanation.

Silvercatowner · 09/10/2014 07:58

Are you absolutely sure the consultant will make a link between the concert and your daughter's ear problems? Because if he doesn't (and he may well not, it seems very likely but not provable) then your ex will have a field day.

Kittykatmacbill · 09/10/2014 12:34

I too would. Be concerned that the consultant would be able to be totally definitive that concert caused (rather than exsaserbated) the problem.

Could you ask the consultant to provide an additional copy of his letter (which I am sure they provide afterwards) for your ex?

Rhiana1979 · 09/10/2014 19:26

I wouldn't let him come. Especially as your daughter doesn't want him there.

If you're afraid of his reaction I'd be tempted to tell him an incorrect date after the actual appointment and then tell him there was a last minute cancellation.

ouryve · 09/10/2014 19:31

If your daughter is so intimidated by him, then don't have him there.

waithorse · 09/10/2014 21:25

Did you post about the concert at the time ? It seems familiar. YANBU about the appointment.

Original poster
CloudiaPickle · 09/10/2014 22:01

Yes I did, waithorse.

Hearing it from someone else will make no difference - I had him take DD to her dentist appointment because her teeth were suffering andhe was ccontinuing to feed her endless sugar and not brushing/encouraging her to brush her teeth. Despite the dentist advising him about minimal sugar and brushing, he continued to exercise his 'right' to feed her sugar and not brush her teeth, hence she had two fillings at 6 yrs old and is now terrified of the dentist.

I like the cancellation idea, thank you.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page