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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Nursery greets children with folded arms and tells off crying children for making a fuss

42 replies

PicturesJane · 08/10/2014 22:34

My DD aged three, started nursery three weeks ago. She was absolutely fine on the taster day, we spent time preparing her for going and for the first few days she seemed to be liking it. Gradually she has taken against it and twice now has refused to let myself or DH leave her there. She is quite self-contained, communicates well and has a five year old brother who she has a good relationship with. She will agree to go the previous night but increasingly changes her mind when she arrives. This morning the nursery said to DH "is she staying or going?" as DD clung to his leg rather than help with the transition. DH took her home. We have just settled her quickly and left before but she doesn't seem that happy when we collect her. This behaviour is out of character for her, she is generally a happy wee soul. There doesn't seem to be much love or reaching out from the staff.

OP posts:

Foxy800 · 09/10/2014 07:45

I work in a nursery and we would never be doing any of that, its sounds horrible. I would be looking for another nursery if you can.x

TheStarsLookDown · 09/10/2014 07:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mimishimmi · 09/10/2014 08:04

Find a new nursery obviously. I am not sure that Ofsted regulations require staff to be warm and caring.

MyFairyKing · 09/10/2014 08:16

Yes, please do report. It is so unacceptable! I used to work in a nursery too and that is very poor show on their part.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 09/10/2014 08:46

phantom

What a sad comment from your dn.

Doesn't it show how much we should listen to children. The sad nursery bloody hell!

FrancesNiadova · 09/10/2014 08:48

Who is your child's named key worker?
What strategies has s/he put in place to ensure a smooth transition?
As you haven't mentioned either of these they're either not being done or not being done properly.
I'd move her TBH.

cloggal · 09/10/2014 08:54

My ds cries each day when we drop him off at nursery (he's only there part time), and the staff could not be nicer to him and us, even the staff in other rooms of the nursery know his name and greet him. When we go to collect him he is clearly happy and having a ball and although I've found it upsetting that he cries every time, I know it's only for a minute (I've listened outside the door!) and that the staff really do show him care, it's about trusting that gut instinct. Definitely move her, definitely report.

VermillionPorcupine · 09/10/2014 09:02

It's very hard to tell from just a parents view point - but IMHO I suspect YABU.

She 'refused' to be left and came home with you twice? It's not really surprising the nursery are asking if she's staying or going tbh. I've seen lots and lots of nursery kids crying and clinging when they start school, but they always end up going in. Why let her dictate? Of course she's going to keep playing up, she's already learned that if she makes enough fuss you'll take her back.

Also - 'she will agree to go the previous night'. I'm all for gently preparing 3 year olds for school, but it sounds like you're engaging in far too much discussion with a 3 year old. In what context was she agreeing the previous night? If she's a bit nervous, talking or cajoling her into 'agreeing' the night before is likely to exacerbate it.

dancestomyowntune · 09/10/2014 09:02

When my Dd1 was in nursery she was always happy to go. We had a few concerns over the running of it (a private nursery with a very "locked door" policy) but Dd1 didn't seem unhappy...

Until she started at preschool. The preschool was three mornings a week (Monday/Wednesday/Friday) & she was going to the nursery two mornings a week (Tuesday/Thursday). It quickly became apparent that Dd was differentiating between nursery with "horrible Jackie" (the centre manager) and preschool with "nice Jackie" (her key worker). That was enough for us. We stopped the nursery which we'd already felt wasn't as homely or friendly, and Dd was quite happy!

MillionPramMiles · 09/10/2014 09:11

As others have said, find another nursery.
It's really disheartening when nursery staff behaviour results in experiences like this and it isn't fair on staff who genuinely care and work very hard.

Hopefully all the positive comments on this thread will reassure you that lots of nurseries have warm, affectionate, caring staff. Dd's nursery staff are wonderful and she loves going there. As others have said, staff use strategies like cuddles, distractions like putting pictures of all the children out so they can pick their own photo out or laying on breakfast and encouraging kids to choose what they want to eat etc.

Some kids do take longer to settle than others (the older they start nursery/the fewer hours they're there can influence that) but at a good nursery the staff are prepared for that and deal with it patiently and sympathetically.

TheIronGnome · 09/10/2014 10:35

I 100% agree with Vermilliin

ConcreteElephant · 09/10/2014 10:43

No, that's not right, not at all.

By contrast - DS is 2.5, just started at nursery, 3 mornings a week. To my astonishment, he seemed to hate it (I couldn't get him out of there at drop off with DD over the last year, hence my surprise).

His key worker spotted us as soon as we came in, she'd come over, get down to his level (him clinging to my leg,crying, most unlike him) - ask how he was, how was breakfast, did he enjoy his snails on toast? That sort of thing. Then she'd have left a small bit of setting up to be done and say,'right, DS, the dinosaur table is nearly done but I need your help to put up this poster on the wall/ find all the dinosaurs with long necks' etc. Total distraction technique.

We are a month in and he now runs through the door, straight to a table to start playing. I get a kiss and a cheery wave. He even wears his nursery jumper. He's developing an affection for staff and they are helping him to enjoy his time there.

That's what good, child-centred nurseries do. I'd report yours to Ofsted simply because they don't seem to be supporting the children's emotional needs.

I'm sure you'll find a better place.

Tingatingatale · 09/10/2014 10:45

Definitely move her. My son has just started pre school. The first few days he and a lot of the others were upset. The teachers and teaching assistants were lined up taking crying children and giving them cuddles and distraction. They're so little, that's the way it should be

ConcreteElephant · 09/10/2014 10:53

What Vermillion says is also right, of course. If I'd taken DS home again because he was crying he'd never have gone in. I left him in tears several times and they called when he was settled (the tears don't last long). It's very early days.

The difference perhaps is that I was happy to leave him like that (even though it was tough) because I trusted the staff would sort him out. If you don't trust them though then that's a problem.

notfromstepford · 09/10/2014 12:15

I would find another nursery. Mine has been going since he was 9 months and at 2.5 still has the very rare day where he cries although 99% of the time I have to call him back for kisses and cuddles as he's off with his friends playing!
We went through a phase of crying when I left, but the staff were wonderful.

It broke my heart to leave him crying (I'd always have a cry myself on the way back to the car!) but I really trust the staff. Sometimes I'd wait out of sight and could hear him settle in about 1 minute then be laughing and playing. But it's all down to the staff and how they interact. If I'd been met with what seems to be a cold response and not much affection or compassion, I wouldn't have left mine either.

There are wonderful nurseries / CM out there with brilliant staff, you just need to find one.

listsandbudgets · 09/10/2014 12:23

another vote for moving her. That's appalling. No good caring nursery treats a child like that.

DS does not normally get upset about going to nursery but on Monday he did. His key worker came over,knelt down at his level, took him by the hand and said "come on I've got a special job for you, I need someone to help me feed Mary" (Mary is their rabbit). DS has some speech delay but he broke into a huge smile and said "me rabbit bye bye mama" and he was gone.

I see scenes like this every day as staff distract and involve children. Hugs are given when distraction doesn't work and there is a lot of love.

Please try to find her somewhere else if you can OP so you'll feel happy about leaving her. I had reservations about DD's first nursery so I moved her and was so glad I did. She was obviously much happier.

Bumpsadaisie · 09/10/2014 12:42

I don't think its the case that you must ALWAYS leave your child at nursery/preschool or they will make a habit of not wanting to go. You need to trust your judgment.

My son is generally very enthusiastic about going. However last week a series of events meant that he was beside himself by the time we got to drop off (he hadn't slept well, he wasn't 100% with a cold, he had thought he was going to be dropped off by his friend's mum and go in her land rover and it didn't turn out that way, and then to top it all I wouldn't allow him to sit in the front seat of the car. It was all too many things going "wrong" for him and he was in a real state when we got there.

the staff tried to encourage him kindly but he was sobbing and had totally lost control of himself. I took him home as I knew he was in no state for preschool.

We have had no difficulty since and I think it would have been wrong to leave a child there who was that upset.

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