to contact this person - warning... its long.

[PeppaPigStinks]

This is all a bit complicated and long but I didn't want to drip feed, so my apologies. please be gentle with me.

Before the age of ten, we grew up in the south east, where my dad had grown up and worked. Mum was friends with a couple of other mums, including one of my dads childhood sweethearts (also my aunts best friend). Ill call her Angela. Me and my brother played with Angela’s children, who were both exactly the same age as us..

For my dads health, we moved to another area of the country when I was about ten, to where my mum grew up.

All this time, my aunt, (like a second mum to me) who was also best buddies with Angela kept in touch via phone and visits. I therefore spoke to Angela and visited with her.

Fast forward 10 years, and I chose to go to Uni back in the south east. Angela persuaded me to go, without knowing her, I would never have gone to university.

While at Uni, Angela let me stay with her weekends as most of my friends went home weekends. Again, I got on really well with Angelas children, and used to hang out with her son and daughter.

A few flags appeared regarding her and my dad – separately. The long and short being that in my third year I randomly discovered Angela and my dad had been having an affair. In anger I called my aunt and accused her of knowing. She didn’t – in hindsight this was the wrong thing to do but I was young!

From that point I have never ever spoken to Angela, or her children again. This has been ten years almost.

For some reason I looked up her son and daughter the other day. I couldn’t find her daughter but I could her son. I think her son got married a few months ago.

I am now married and have wonderful children. My marriage is going well.

I have always felt incredibly guilty about how it all panned out – I guess I’ve never had any ‘closure’. Her son and I got on very well.

I don’t know why, but I would like to contact them. AIBU to do this.

Should I just bury it all again and forget about it?

I don’t even know what I will achieve, or why I looked it up. and ive not spoken to anyone IRL about this.

Speaking as someone who has done similar to this but in a different way..

Don't do it. You will cause yourself more heartache when / if they reject you.

what do you mean by closure? What would that involve?

I would leave it, personally. The waters are calm now after all this time, I don't see any reason to disturb it all. It could go well, but it could go horribly and that would just cause upset all around for no reason.

I understand how you feel, and how appealing closure would be. I know you were trying to combine non drip-feeding with being concise, but I think there are some other things you did not mention which would help those offering advice.
What is your relationship now with your mum and dad? Does your mum know about the affair? Are they still together?
You might have to weigh up closure for you, versus opening a can of worms for your mum and dad.

What do you want from this? Her to apologise? You to apologise to her? The relationship to pick up again?

I can't think of many situations where any good can come of you getting back in touch, but a lot where bad will come of it. Put this in the same category as looking an ex up on facebook, and leave it at that

Write a letter to her, everything you want to say, dont hold back, say you sorry, express your angry...then burn that letter. I understand how you feel but its been too many years and the pain will have lessened so why bring it up again.

Thank you for the replies - i will leave it. I think that's what i needed to be told!

My mum and dad are still together - it devastated my mum but she has come through it. My relationship with mum never changed. My dad hated me for going to my aunt (she said some very nasty things to him) and felt i could have handled the situation better. The relationship with my dad was icy for years and will never be the same. I still don't trust him at all. Its thanks to my children that I am starting to see my dads inner self/spark again.

I don't want to speak to Angela at all.

I guess, I never got to say 'goodbye' - the children were a big part of my childhood and then again my uni life. Seeing the son was married last night made me feel extremely happy and warm -assuming that they are happy and settled.

My brother will also never forgive me for being honest about what I had found out. He thinks I should have left it.

When I discovered the affair- I didn't look for it, I stumbled across it.

I agree with sparechange, what do you want to achieve?

I'd say let sleeping dogs lie.

xpost. good job

Well done op. Remember them as memories from your childhood...(forget the bad bits)

Yes, let it go; be thankful for your own lovely family and resist any suggestions from your brother and father that you should feel guilty. No MNetters to refer to in those days, you were on your own. You did nothing out of malevolence or cruelty, just out of an impetuous reaction to a horrible situation when you were very young.

I don't think your dad has any right to hate you. He chose to do what he did. Any fallout from that was his fault and nobody else's. You don't get to crap all over someone and then dictate how that is handled.

What do you want to say?

You can't stay in touch with her, not without hurting your own mother.

I think the first person you will need to make peace with is your father. What he did was horrible. You were young and acted impetuously but YOU didn't create the situation that hurt everyone, HE did.

You could write a letter to 'Angela', telling her you have no ill feelings, and were very pleased to hear of her son's wedding as you have very fond memories of them all, and wish them well. Also, thank her for her encouragement of you to go to University - that's actually a pretty big thing, really. She had a significant positive impact on your life and she would probably be pleased that you have done well, and that you don't hold a hatred for her.

Then leave it at that.

My dad and I have put it behind us, but unfortunately things will never be the same with him again, its a shame as my dad was my idol. I am not entirely convinced he hasn't kept in touch with Angela, but I leave that well alone and forget about it.

I also only speak to my aunt without him knowing - as he will have nothing to do with her because of what she said. Its all very stressful !!

If only mumsnet existed 10 years ago ey!!

I would feel the same as you - bad feeling left unresolved and a need to find closure.

I actually think it says a lot for you that you would be willing to make peace with Angela.

I would leave it, tbh.

My relationship with mum never changed. My dad hated me for going to my aunt (she said some very nasty things to him) and felt i could have handled the situation better. The relationship with my dad was icy for years and will never be the same. I still don't trust him at all. Its thanks to my children that I am starting to see my dads inner self/spark again

Sounds like you Dad was a bit shitty about it all to be honest?

I mean it was natural for you to think your Aunt knew as she was such good friends with OW.

However the only person really in the wrong here is your Dad, he should have been trying to make it up to you all and not "hating" you for going to someone you assumed was facilitating his affair.

Actually - I think I felt at the time, her facilitating me to go to uni, and for 'looking after me' and letting me stay at the weekends was a way of her maintaining/keeping/starting contact with my dad.... I will never know now. While I know it is my dad and 'Angela' who were in contact, I cant help but feel I facilitated it.
I always thought it was weird my dad had impeccable timing when he called me... he always called if I was going through a pants time!

Wow - MN is better than a counselling session. Ive said things ive never said IRL hahahaha

Could Angela's son be your Dad's son? So could you be blood relations?
Then I think there might be room for honesty and tolerance. Your mum can't help how things turned out, but to cut yourself off from your father's other children, by another woman, buries the past in a place that will not remain hidden.

I definitely don't think he is my dads son.

Il never know anyway

Ok then, so the important relatiomship here is the one between you and your Mum. :)
It's nice that you were happy for him, and agree with others that making contact with him could hurt your Mum's feelings and the trust between you, and could be an unwelcome intrustion for him.

What on earth do you think this would do to your mum? You getting in touch with the OW's family and probably the OW?

I would really struggle with this if I were your mother.

Let sleeping dogs lie.