Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re overnight contact?

27 replies

Ohbollocksandballs · 08/10/2014 08:32

DS is nearly 9 months old. His Dad and I split around 2 months ago. Since then contact has been fairly regular, and I have gone out of my way to ensure that DS sees his Dad, who just seems to want contact on an 'as and when' basis. For example he will only have DS for half a day because he wants to go to the pub with his friends, and has missed contact on a few occasions due to 'not being able to get a lift home' and my favorite, 'getting arrested the night before so spending the day in bed instead'.

At the minute the arrangements are one full day every weekend, and he will come and see DS when he finished work at our home 2 evenings a week, give him his bath, and put him to bed. Yesterday just before he left he asked when I would be allowing DS to stay overnight. I told him that I don't think DS is quite old enough yet, and that we would talk about it again in a few weeks/months.

Just a bit of background, when he lived with DS and I he never did bedtime, bathtime or got up in the night with DS, as he didn't wake to his cries. He never spent any time with DS alone, complaining when he had to watch Him for an evening if I wanted to nip out somewhere. He also smokes weed every night, And I don't mean just an odd joint.

There has been a few occasions where he has seemed incredibly stressed when looking after DS, one being where he was trying to get him down for a nap and DS kept throwing his dummy and I heard him say 'are you a fucking retard' (we split very soon after).

There are probably a few other incidents which I've missed, but I think that's the main stuff. I just want to know AIBU in saying no to overnight? As I genuinely would be concerned for DS. But I'd hate to be the mother that effectively causes a bad situation for DS. I just want to do what's right by him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohbollocksandballs · 08/10/2014 08:34

Forgot to add he rents a room in his friends house, where he lives with his friend, his friends partner and their son. But their DS is often staying with grandparents etc at weekends, so there are regular parties which will 100% involve drug use, and would go ahead whilst my son was upstairs sleeping. He still regularly wakes through the night too.

OP posts:
skylark2 · 08/10/2014 08:37

I'm normally one to think that dads should get a chance to parent, even if they've not done much before, and that far and away the best way for that to happen is for them to be the only adult there so they HAVE to do everything. Mums cope when that happens, pretty sure being male doesn't magically make it impossible.

But I don't think a 9 month old should be in the care of someone who's stoned.

Does your ex say he won't smoke weed while DS is there?

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 08/10/2014 08:37

Im all for little ones getting used to bedtime with both of their parents but would refuse steadfastly in these circumstances - the weed, the "retard" comment and the shared housing.

Charitybelle · 08/10/2014 08:49

I agree with you op, your ds is prob too young to be away from his primary carer, and the circumstances you describe re the father sound like a disaster waiting to happen.
I hope your ex is understanding but in the event he does start to challenge I would be secretly gathering as much info on his 'lifestyle' as possible. Hopefully it won't become acrimonious, but at what age would your ds be old enough to stay in a party share house with a drug adled father who you admit doesn't seem to have any patience with him? Unless your ex has imminent plans to grow up, get his own place and knock the drug taking on the head, I see that this is going to come to an argument at some point further down the line anyway. Make sure you get legal advice. As far as possible facilitate reasonable contact (as it sounds like you have been doing) but i wouldn't let my child be in this guys overnight care!

moaningminnie2 · 08/10/2014 08:56

But if they don'ty have parties when the friends child is there, what makes you think they will do it when your DC is there?

ByTheWishingWell · 08/10/2014 08:59

I wouldn't allow my DD to be in the care of someone who was stoned, or spend a night in a house filled with drugged up strangers. I think you have more than enough reason to put your foot down about the overnights.

Do you think he would push for it legally? I would start documenting everything- the missed contacts, any time you see him and he's stoned, etc. just in case.

fluffyraggies · 08/10/2014 09:02

Yes he sounds like a wonderful role model for his son and absolutely has the right to have his little boy overnight. It sounds a marvelous environment for a baby at his (friends) house.

NOT

It would be over my dead body that that man (child) looked after a baby in those circumstances OP.

Original poster
Ohbollocksandballs · 08/10/2014 09:04

Sky, no he hasn't said that. He said he would quit when DS was born, instead if anything it has got more.

Moaning the parties aren't my only concern, they're just an added worry coupled up with everything else.

He has threatened legal action but whether he would actually shell out the cash to do so is another story.

I have documented everything so far, and also have screenshots of all the abusive texts he has sent to me.

OP posts:
BrianButterfield · 08/10/2014 09:05

How about his parents? Are they near/helpful/trustworthy? I wouldn't want overnights to happen in a house like that but I might consider grandparents or a relative who I trusted.

Original poster
Ohbollocksandballs · 08/10/2014 09:05

He is expecting DS to stay for the full weekend every 2 weeks, as he is working away so won't get to see him some weekday evenings as he has been doing.

As a compromise I have offered that he sees DS for the full weekend day as usual, and puts him to bed at my home, and then sees DS again the next day. He has declined.

OP posts:
MyFairyKing · 08/10/2014 09:06

The smoking more than 'the odd joint' every night would have me running for the hills. No way would I hand over a child in those circumstances.

grocklebox · 08/10/2014 09:08

This is a joke, right? Your question is "should I hand a small baby overnight to a man who will use illegal drugs, will probably not attend him in the night, has the potential for anger issues with the baby, and will likely have a houseful of strangers all using drugs and alcohol" ?

Well, duh.

Original poster
Ohbollocksandballs · 08/10/2014 09:10

Brian his mother lives close, and I would be willing to consider that, if she was present throughout.

If I'm honest it's just against every single instinct I have as a mother to leave him there overnight.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohbollocksandballs · 08/10/2014 09:12

Grockle - in a nutshell yes. However he has been so controlling and manipulative in the past then I often second guess whether I am doing the right thing as I get so much hassle from him about everything. Hence why I'm asking.

OP posts:
Steben · 08/10/2014 09:12

I second the poster who mentioned his parents, are they on the scene/willing to help. I also prob would not be considering it til he was over 1 to be honest. From what you have said OP I think you are being very reasonable and I would def want another responsible (non stoned) adult present if he were to have him overnight.

wheresthelight · 08/10/2014 09:14

He can take all the legal action he wants but the courts would order mandatory drug tests to prove he isn't using and he would have to pay for them!!

I would say that until he proves he is clean of all drugs and living in an environment that's suitable then don't even consider it. also are you breastfeeding or formula feeding as this will make a big difference as no court would force you to stop breastfeeding I would hope!!

tell him you will discuss further once ds is sleeping through the night consistently, ex is off drugs and having regular tests to prove this and maintains regular contact so that ds knows who he is and settles with him.

fluffyraggies · 08/10/2014 09:15

Don't leave him there OP. Please.

No court is going to give him overnight rights with his anger issues, weed smoking and his place of residence regularly filled with drug taking strangers. I'd be telling him this quite clearly if he starts threatening legal action.

It doesn't sound to me as if he's got his act together enough to do anything as grown up as apply for access tbh.

AnnaFiveTowns · 08/10/2014 09:16

Generally, I think that 9 months is too young for overnight contact, unless the other parent has a proven track record of caring for the baby at night ie. when they were living with the primary carer. I'd be inclined to go with your instinct and refuse overnights for the time being.

Original poster
Ohbollocksandballs · 08/10/2014 09:18

Wheres DS is formula fed.

So if he was to take legal action it wouldn't go in his favour? It worries me because there's no way I would be able to afford representation. However I doubt he would fork out for it either.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 08/10/2014 09:23

I am all for fathers having contact with their dc, but not when there are welfare issues at steak. Tge drug use and anger would worry me. I personally would prefer contact to be supervised, and would refuse contact, let him go through the courts where the issues will be brought up and properly addressed.

wheresthelight · 08/10/2014 09:52

no it wouldn't go in his favour but go and speak to a solicitor, lots do a free half hour session or post on the legal thread here.

my friends ex was a massive drug user and was only awarded supervised contact for overnight visits but her kids are much older. he had to have regular drug tests to prove he was clean before they even considered unsupervised

write him an email saying something along the lines of

dear twatbag ex

i have considered your request for overnight contact but on this occasion I am refusing. my reasons for this are as follows ;

  1. your continued drug use
  2. inappropriate living conditions 3)inability to maintain regular contact visits so ds has a routine 4)ds does not sleep through the night yet and you have always been unable to be roused when he cried
  3. your anger issues and history of shouting at ds when he cries

providing you are willing to address these issues and provide drug tests to prove you are no longer using then I will be happy to reconsider.

please be aware that I refuse to deal verbally with this issue amd should you wish to discuss further please do so via email so that there is evidence of these discussions should legal action ever be required

regards

op

Aeroflotgirl · 08/10/2014 10:17

That's good where'sthelight, but the anger issues should be up,there with the drug use. I would send him that e mail, and refuse contact, he can go through the courts.

wheresthelight · 08/10/2014 10:58

was just listing them as I remembered her issues Smile but yes the anger should be up there as point 2 feel free to rejig oh

I wouldn't outrightly remove all contact at this stage as it could back fore on you if he takes it to court.

add into the email your offer of having him all day Saturday, doing bedtime at yours and then collection Sunday providing the above issues are addressed. if he continues to be a monumental knobjockey then you can a subsequent email saying something along the lines of

dear arsewipe ex

further to my email dated xx/xx/xx I am now withdrawing all contact between you and ds as you have failed to address the concerns I raised. I no longer feel that ds is safe in your care.

should you wish to redress this situation then I will be happy to see you in court.

regards
op

I strongly suspect if you are stern strong and stubbornly refuse to budge without him making a significant effort then he will probably get bored and fuck off anyways. just make sure that you get the appropriate amount of maintenance that you are entitled to, the csa website has a calculator on it so as long as you know his income then you cam advise him what he is legally required to pay

Original poster
Ohbollocksandballs · 08/10/2014 11:09

Thankyou so much for all your advice.

Maintenance is a whole different ball game. He 'earns' £250 a week, so he says. Doesn't receive wage slips as he is classed as self employed and receives cash from his employer, who apparantly pays his tax for him. I strongly suspect he earns more than this but unsure how to prove.

OP posts:
wheresthelight · 08/10/2014 11:10

work with what you know hun and if needs be consider reporting him to the tax office!