To be having a big wobble and feel hugely guilty the night before I have to leave DD with the nanny

[Ychyfi]

I've just finished maternity leave and am going back to work. We have found a very nice nanny who is great with DD (almost 1). This is her second week with us - we were hoping to have had more of an overlap but for various reasons, this wasn't possible.

I did a couple of days at work last week, with DH staying at home to help settle DD in with the nanny. They were fine. We've done a few settling in sessions leaving the two of them alone for 30 mins/1 hour/2 hours and to my delighted surprise, they were fine and DD wasn't upset. However, recently DD has gone from sleeping through the night to waking several times (last night it was 7) and needing lots of cuddles and feeding to sleep etc which she hasn't done for months. She is also usually a champion eater and will eat anything in sight but yesterday and today has refused to eat anything very much for lunch or dinner. She clearly knows that something is changing and is extremely unsettled.

Today I went to a seminar for 2 hours and when I came back, the nanny had had to put DD down for a nap in the late afternoon because she had become distraught and wouldn't be comforted. Tomorrow is my first day at work leaving the two of them alone and I am dreading it. DH is away with work and I would be really grateful for someone to tell me that this is ok. I feel awful that I am putting her through this distress for what is essentially my own desire to return to work. It isn't a financial necessity - we could survive on just DH's income. I do believe that it is important that she sees me working and that she considers that having a career after you have children is a perfectly normal thing to do if you so choose. I also know - and I'm being brutally honest here - that the nanny is much better at playing with DD than I am. She has much better games than I do and makes DD laugh like a drain. But those things are easy to say and not so easy to act upon in the face of your child howling.

Please tell me whether your DC reacted the same way when you went back to work? And for how long were they this upset? A morning? A month? She is just so little still.

She might be coming down with something?

Yes I felt guilty and still do. I find it hard leaving the DC with our nanny but it is the best option for us. The kids prefer me which is nice.

I have a longer term plan to change to a lower paid job with shorter hours which gets me through the harder times.

It's many years since I went back to work and both of my two were younger than your DD when I did and I went through it twice. I found it really stressful both times but actually my both of my boys managed much better than I did. I didn't have a nanny but used a childminder for DS1 and nursery for DS2. I think they were a bit unsettled but we managed to get into a routine and I found that really helped them as they knew what was coming next. I travelled a lot for work at that time so was often away overnight too. As for how long it goes on for, I think every child is different but as far as I can remember it took DS1 a couple of weeks and DS2 slightly longer.

Good luck and try not to feel guilty, she'll be fine. Your nanny sounds great.

She went down for a nap for the nanny? That doesn't sound like a child who's stressed about being left with her. I'm also wondering if she might be coming down with something.

DS always screamed when I left him at nursery. Always.

He also screamed when I came to pick him up, because he wanted to stay.

I am sure it will be absolutely fine and, if it isn't, you can always quit your job later. See how this week goes and how the nanny handles everything. It could just be that she is a tiny bit ill or is picking up on your nerves.

If it makes you feel any better, two of my close friends were in the care of nannies from similar ages (around one year old) and both have grown up into lovely women - and are well adjusted and close to their mothers.

I do believe that it is important that she sees me working and that she considers that having a career after you have children is a perfectly normal thing to do if you so choose.

To be fair, she's only a baby so there's plenty of time for that.

But she'll probably be fine and if for any reason she isn't, you'll be free to rethink things.

You're very lucky to be able to choose whether to work or not, so try not to worry.

i think you have made choices and i am sure you fully considered all the ramifications before putting this plan in place, your baby is being looked after by someone you chose in her own home where she can maintain the same routine and patterns you have set for her, i think there is a lot that you have done to ease the transition for her. i think any childcare decision is hard, i whatever you decide you will worry about i think parents just do, irrespective of what about!am a sahm and struggling to settle 3 yo. ds into nursery and spend most of my day (and large portions of the night) wondering if he was less attached to me if nursery would be easier for him.

Totally natural for both of you to be a bit unsettled about the change. But it will settle down very soon. Please, please don't feel guilty about going back. You've made a good decision for you and your family and I'm sure it will work out just fine.

Thanks, everyone. I really appreciate it.

Separation anxiety does happen about now, but that's no reason not to work. It's not a lasting thing, it's a phase. Your DD will get an extra adult to be attached to, and look forward to seeing, and to bring different experiences and games. That's great!

I went back at 10 months both times. Both my DC had various settling issues, but I couldn't tell you now, years down the line, exactly what they were. I can tell you they still look forward to seeing their childminder, like it when I'm at home but never complain about me going to work and happily role-play what job they'll do when they grow up. The time they came to the office with me is one of their go-to memories - less fun for me than it was for them!

You will feel guilty, you will miss her, you will feel anxious. But it'll be temporary. And if you're not enjoying it in a couple of months you can rethink. But by then you probably won't want to!

Good luck at work. Enjoy the morning cup of tea and chat with your colleagues!

Went back to work at 7 months. The first 4 months were hard. Not a meltdown everyday but every 2-3 days he was unsettled. Then he got happier. He is 2.9. Today he flat out refused to come home. Wanted to stay with her! Adores her and her dog. Goes off skipping and grinning every morning and every morning jumps up and asks if he is going to her. I am a fan of childcare in a home environment and I suspect he would have struggled in a nursery. Here things are flexible- if he is poorly, she can have a quiet morning as she looks after just one other kid.

I work because I worked very very hard for my career, it is hugely stimulating and if I was home all day I would be bored stiff and not a v good mother. At present I spend 4-7 every evening with him 4 days a week, and am home on Fridays. We are very close and have loads of fun on my day off. He is also a v calm and amenable toddler. It is a good balance. And yes. For me it was also important that my son sees that Mummy works too, and that Daddy does his share of the housework.

You have taken care to choose your childcare provider, now trust her. There will be some bumps but have faith. Remember there are agonised mothers posting when kids go off to school in September. And others when they go off to Uni. Every stage is a wrench and you must make the best decision for you and your family.

Sorry I should have mentioned that my son goes to a childminder.