To think he doesn't need to go out every night just because his friends are here?

[BertieBotts]

We live in Germany. Been here just over a year but although people keep saying they want to visit, nobody has yet. We have a 6 year old son, and we don't know any babysitters here (only other families) so tend to go out separately.

A friend of mine was planning to come and stay around the beginning of December, (I'll use DF - dear friend) and then a month or so later, DH's friends, about 10 of them, started planning to come for new year.

I said, oh, that's a good idea, I wonder if DF would like to come to that too. DH seemed enthusiastic about this, so I spoke to her and she agreed that was a good idea. I started to get quite excited about it, NYE in a city in a new country with a load of friends, sounds fun! We missed NYE here last year because we went home.

Now it's all being arranged, DH mentioned something in passing about being able to go out every night but I might come out on NYE if we can find a babysitter. So I went a bit - OK, in theory, nothing wrong with him going out every night, he doesn't go out often, I'm here with DS anyway. If it was just his friends coming then fair enough. But now I've rearranged my visit from my friend, who I want to go out with once or twice while she's here and he's being a bit annoyed/pissed off that I've expected that he might babysit for me, as (I presume) it was my decision to move DF's visit. But I suppose I thought when he was enthusiastic about it before that he wouldn't want to go out every night? I had also planned with DF that we would have a "belated hen night" as for various reasons I didn't have a hen night but DH had a surprise stag do put on for him by his mates, so I was looking forward to that too.

He's normally reasonable and wouldn't dream of stopping me going out but I suppose he's seeing this as me stopping HIM going out, which I think is unfair. I'm not even sure I'll be able to go out on NYE anyway, because we don't know if we have anybody to babysit.

I'll talk to him about it later and considering asking DF to come another time instead so it's not an issue, but I don't want to mess her around (I've already asked her to change the date once!) and I think she's now looking forward to the whole NYE thing as well now, she's met this group of friends before and they all got on, I just wondered what the general consensus was and whether I'm totally UR here or DH is or we're just being a bit stupid about the whole thing?

Oh you know what I mean re him babysitting. Not what I meant to say but I can't edit it now.

Oh I do sympathies as we moved to Germany too. I think it would be best if your friends came out at different times so you can each go out as much as you want with them.
And you do need to sort babysitters as it gets very isolating otherwise. And wouldn't you need one for ny eve regardless if she came along? And if she didn't what would you do? Stay home alone?

I think if you don't have a babysitter at all it was a bit silly to arrange to both have friends to visit at the same time.

If we can't find a babysitter for NYE then I will either stay at home with my friend or I'm thinking of arranging a sort of girls' night in/family type party with a few friends here because I'd like to celebrate and I'm not averse to letting DS stay up if he wants to (he's 6).

I suppose I'm a bit narked in a way that he just decided he was getting NYE this year and arranged it, didn't ask or offer to flip a coin or anything, just "Hey, BTW, my friends are coming for NYE and we're going to have an awesome party without you! Well, you can come if you want but you have to sort out your own babysitter." I won't lie that I might be a teeny bit jealous of that. But I can rationalise that out and think that it's not that different to another night, we don't usually ask permission, just "claim" a night first and whoever said they wanted to go out first gets priority. That works fine. And there's nothing inherently special about it being the first NYE we are here, just sentimentality I suppose. If I wanted to go out another year, I'd probably get first priority as he would have had a turn.

easiest would be to sort out a babysitter for more nights surely?

Hmm maybe, but I don't know any babysitters. I've asked around some friends but waiting to hear back.

I think it would be fair to take it in turns to go out and flip a coin for nye. There is no reason he can't stay in with his mates.

or take it in turns to go out and have a nye party at home ?
You shouldn't be the one who stays in all the time anyway, I think the time should be shared equally.

Could you not have a party for everyone on NYE?

Could his friends not come round to your house, and you, he, DF, DS and his friends celebrate together?

I am fairly chilled, but I would be pissed off if OH went out with his friends on NYE and left me at home babysitting!

Where are you op? The toy town forum offers English speaking services. Or betreut.de is easy to navigate and will have babysitters near you.

he just decided he was getting NYE this year and arranged it, didn't ask or offer to flip a coin or anything

According to your first post, that isn't what happened at all.

You arranged for your friend to visit in early December and he arranged for his to visit for NYE- there was no 'coin to flip'

You only thought it would be nice for your friend to visit for NYE instead, after he'd discussed his plans.

He is BU in wanting to go out every night but I do think he has first priority on NYE as he made his plans first

I'd be more upset that he wants to spend NYE with his friends and not you but I'm sentimental about NYE

I'd have more issue with the every night going out thing than nye. I think you should get equal nights with your friends while they're here, which will probably mean alternating.

As for nye, it's over 2 months away, surely one of the families you know will be able to recommend someone before then? Are there any online sites to search for local babysitters?

If not, I think the fairest thing to do would be a party at home all together. Either that, or if you do agree to him going out while you stay in, you get something really good in return, say cheap flights to a UK city to meet up with friends or family for a weekend, or a fantastic day/night out locally.

No because we live in a tiny attic. We can fit about five people in our house max! We have done that in the past but here it wouldn't be possible, DS would never sleep through it either. In our last house he was on another floor but here he'd be just through the immediate wall and people would have to traipse up and down 3 storeys to smoke.

I'm not on toytown but a facebook group near here for English speakers. I hadn't thought of looking for a German babysitter, I suppose it wouldn't matter to DS, his German is pretty good now.

I guess the assumption is that he would be able to go out on NYE because he arranged the NYE thing with his mates first, and there are more of them.

For general going out I go out far more often, I go out about once or twice every 1-2 months with the English Speakers group and I work one night a week (which obv doesn't count!) DH goes out about once every 3 months. He says his friends here always arrange stuff on the night I work.

Honestly, if you have lived somewhere for a year and you are social and go out (which you seem to do) it's time to sort out a babysitter. Is your ds attending any kind of kindergarten? What about asking there? Or get your DH to ask who people at his work use? Or ask some of the friends whom you go out with - some of them must have children or know of someone, surely? Do you go to church, are you a member of a gym or a sports club or an expat group?

You may well still struggle for NYE but, even before deciding to ask your DF to come at the same time as his friends, you knew you were going to have a problem going out together. It really doesn't matter if you have two or ten friends staying or whose friends they originally were - you can't both go out together at the moment.

Is he the father?

He sounds very entitled.

Hire a hall or a private room in a pub or something like that, all go out, bring ds and just let him run himself ragged. That way no-one needs to stay in.

xposted.

That's how I'm seeing it BearBehind, that technically he arranged his thing first so it gets priority and I've sort of piggybacked onto it. But, I did so with his approval and I had assumed that he wasn't going to spend every single night they were here going out.

What I was saying re flipping a coin was about him arranging the NYE thing in the first place, I wouldn't have just invited people over and planned a whole thing for NYE without mentioning it to him.

I'm not particularly sentimental about it but I'm bummed that he wants to have a great time without considering me in it (which I think he must not have done, really) even though it's not really possible to do it and incorporate both of us without a babysitter.

I have a friend who also has DC who has offered to babysit if DH and I ever want to go out but I think for NYE it's late and a bigger ask unless she has DS over for a sleepover.

Doesn't really matter that he made NYE his first. He wants to go out for TEN consecutive nights and begrudges the op ONE night.

Erm I didn't say ten nights. Maybe four or five.

Still crap he begrudges you one night when he gets "four or five."

He's not DS' bio father but for all intents and purposes is Dad. I really don't doubt his commitment to DS, but do wonder if this is part of it - when he was first talking about this trip he was talking about them booking an extra bed in the hotel/hostel and he'd stay there instead of coming "all the way home". I was annoyed about this because he didn't like it when I went to a party and almost stayed at the person's house because they were far from a tram stop and people giving lifts wanted to leave earlier. At the time he said "It's not really right... you're a mother" so when he came up with this shit about staying in the hotel I called him out on his double standards. Suddenly "Oh it wasn't anything to do with you being a mother, I just didn't know if all your friends were watching our conversation. I didn't want you staying at some stranger's house that you barely know." I did point out that my friends aren't twelve and weren't the slightest bit interested in crowding around the screen to see if I'm talking about them, but hey

I was pissed off about that (shit, sorry, just realised I'm going to be told I'm drip feeding now!) because I felt like I can make a decision about that, I'm sorry I don't have a giant band of 10 uni friends who throw stag parties for me and travel to other countries to see me, I pretty much have my friends here from the group who are a lifeline, and a handful of friends who are spread out across the UK and don't know each other so couldn't band together anyway.

Anyway, for the sake of arguments, I just thought, you know what, let it go, I know what he's like. He'll get halfway through the night and go "I'm bored, I miss DW, I want to go home anyway" and won't bother staying, I'm not going to have the argument, plus I wouldn't have minded if he hadn't been annoying about me staying out that one time. I thought it was better to let it happen and then talk about it if it was an issue.

I do wonder a little bit if he feels more entitled to freedom/time off without considering DS because of the fact that he voluntarily joined our lives rather than DS being planned and born to both of us. It's always in the back of my mind that I have to be accountable for DS and he doesn't really have that - I mean, it's not like he's gallavanting off all the time, and probably if I said "I want to go away for the weekend" he'd probably be fine (but I haven't ever got to the point of asking that, you know?) but I wonder if he's lacking that whereas I have that awareness/burden all the time.

"All the way home" BTW is a twenty minute tram ride where the trams run every 20 minutes after 8pm and every half hour after midnight, so not exactly difficult.