To not expect lies

[Shizlack]

Sorry this is a long AIBU...
Backstory-
DM is a narc (so should 'expect' some lies I guess). DB has severe depression. DB lives with DM. I was always told he had a job, sometimes he did overtime, I got told about a promotion, him maybe working on Christmas Day and his colleagues or work party.

He had a bad breakdown, I asked DM about work etc, she said he hadn't worked there for years, I said "so he's been leaving for work and sitting alone in town?" She said "yes, apparently he hasn't worked". In this time we also found out he had 7 overdrawn accounts.

Now-
I find out DM and DB lied to tell me he had a job. DM said she thought I wouldn't love him if he wasn't employed, I've tried to phone DM but can't get through so have been emailing.

AIBU to expect her to say sorry or give a reason for this? I get she is stressed by DB (and me being cross at her isn't getting to DB as he is somewhere else ATM) but his friends knew and I didn't, in the emails she said it was a 'fight or flight response and because of her tough life she picked fight', she keeps emailing that her ex harasses her, she had a tough childhood and she understands if I want to scream at her and never see her again.

Sounds like a total mess. Lying to you wasn't nice, but it's not really the biggest problem here. The fact that your brother is in a bit of state is bad enough. What would making a fuss about the lying achieve? Would letting it go really do you any harm?

I'd forget about the lie and concentrate on the future.

Let it go. Has your db had help? Does your dm need more support? It sounds like she is a bit afraid of you to lie like that.

Why do you say she is a narc? How so?

I think they both need more support not a telling off.

Just out of interest OP what would your response have been if you knew he was out of work? It seems a bit odd that they have both been fearing your reaction over this. Plenty of adults are out of work & if he is depressed then he has more of a reason.

Is your mum controlling the whole thing & keeping you & DB apart for the drama?

If you wouldn't have overreacted in the first place, what was the benefit of them lying at all? I mean if your DB works or not is hardly going to make a difference to your own life, so why start the lie at all? Why not just tell you he had no job when he didn't...?

I don't care at all that he had no job I was upset that DM let him think I would care and reinforced a very wrong attitude. That's what upset me. By telling lies I feel it made it a very real fear for DB.

She has no reason to be afraid of me, neither of them do. The odd thing is, I'm more lefty than her! She is keeping DB and I apart ATM.

I do agree it's not the important issue and we need to focus on DB, I am also hoping I can get help for DM. Thank you for the replies.

Yes see your point op she was acting like you would make it a big deal to your db when that's not so.

Can you just ignore her and deal direct with your db?

YANBU but you are being unrealistic.

DM wants a reaction from you - any reaction - she told you a lie, wound you up and watched you go!

My mum is just the same.

Don't even try applying logic, it doesn't work. I find that having little or no interest and being very opinionated about things works well. Repeating things also helps and trying not to get drawn into her dramas. She hates people one day and then she really likes them the next, I can't win. I'm forever finding out lies that she's told me.

Thank you, yes, I'm sure this HAS to be a time for us to change. I didn't mean it to be so selfish, we re obviously all upset about DB, so I shouldn't be putting energy on anything that's not going to help.

I am going to try and get pointed in the right direction by SW if possible or contact a Dr as not sure how to get help to both of them.

Good idea and there's no selfishness in your post op. I can understand you being angry.

Hope your db gets help.