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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WWYD - DS refusing to meet up with my friend and her DS

23 replies

peanutbuttercup · 07/10/2014 05:04

This is my first AIBU so I'm a bit nervous. However, I really need some advice.

I used to live in UK am have been back in my home country for 8 years now. When I was in UK my DS was born and I met another woman from my home country at a baby group. We became good friends and our DSs were "friends" (they were only 2).

Earlier this year she moved back too and she lives about an hour away from us. We've caught up a few times but my DS does not like hers and is now refusing to meet up with them. We've planned to meet up tomorrow (it's school hols here) and I thought I could talk him around but he is adamant that her DS is mean and horrible etc etc. Apparently to top it all off when he was at our house he went into my DSs minecraft place and destroyed all of it (an unforgivable crime it seems).

I'm not sure what to do. I really like my friend but she is very keen on doing family things with all of us and I can't keep making excuses. Do I force my DS to go and play nice somehow. Do I be honest with her and risk hurting her feelings? Do I fob her off forever?

OP posts:

rootypig · 07/10/2014 05:12

How old are the DSes? about 10?

I think you can be honest and say to her that her DS damaged your DS minecraft, and your DS now isn't keen to play. Being quite specific about an episode is, I think, easier to swallow than 'my DS thinks your DS is horrible' . I think most sensible parents can accept that most DC have their unfavourable episodes! Ask her to speak to him about it.

Then you've given her a chance to address it. Tell your DS that he is being given a talking to, and ask him to try again.

If after that your DS still isn't keen, then I think it's important that as his parent you respect how he feels. Tell your friend that the DSes aren't going to get along and suggest you meet up just the two of you.

Not sure what the AIBU is

SavoyCabbage · 07/10/2014 05:14

How old are they?

Are you meeting on neutral territory?

Can you either bring a friend of ds's as a buffer or leave him at a friend's house.

If they were over about eight when the minecraft incident occurred I would say 'bob is not coming. He hasn't got over the minecraft'

SavoyCabbage · 07/10/2014 05:15

Cross post with Rooty. That's what I would do. Tell her the reason. I wouldn't make him go.

googoodolly · 07/10/2014 05:18

Don't make him go and play with someone he doesn't like. Let's face it, they're not at school together or anything, they're only forced into this friendship because you're friends with this boys mum.

Just say "minipeanut is still upset about the minecraft incident and doesn't want to play with minifriend anymore."

Original poster

peanutbuttercup · 07/10/2014 06:36

Thanks for the replies. Yes, they're 10. She doesn't know about the minecraft incident so perhaps if I tell her and she discusses it with her DS that might make my DS feel better about it. Otherwise I won't force him. It's not really an AIBU but I didn't know where else to put it.

OP posts:

Letitbee · 07/10/2014 06:45

I agree in school you have to play with who is there - at 10 you should have the choice in you free time

rootypig · 07/10/2014 06:48

Tell her, I think it's something you can be quite straightforward about.

Good luck!

Original poster

peanutbuttercup · 07/10/2014 06:50

Ok I did it. She was a bit silent and I felt awkward and prattled on but she said she'd speak to her DS and my DS has agreed to give him a second chance so we'll see.

OP posts:

rootypig · 07/10/2014 07:10

Oh well done! Being direct is often the kindest thing.

Assuming she deals with her DS kindly, you may well have done him a favour too. Some kids need help navigating friendships and play.

I hope it works out for all of you, one way or another.

Delphiniumsblue · 07/10/2014 07:23

In my experience you can get together with friends and your children all play together up until about 6 yrs and it becomes increasingly difficult after that and by 10 yrs impossible if they don't have anything in common or don't like each other. There is no reason why the children should like each other just because the parents like each other.

TheFirstOfHerName · 07/10/2014 07:31

When I was younger, my mum had a close friend with a son my age. It was assumed that we would get on. He was actually a bully, and possibly heading towards psychopathy. After he pushed me down the stairs, my mum wisely made the decision to meet up with her friend on their own, without the children present.

RobotLover68 · 07/10/2014 07:41

I used to go to a friend whose kids consistently used to pick on mine - when mine got upset she'd roll her eyes like "oh George is whining again"

One day George said to me "mum, do we have to go to Fred's, he always picks on me and it's not fun"

I thought, no we don't have to go and I gradually let the friendship go

pluCaChange · 07/10/2014 08:08

"Forcing" a child to go and "play nicely" is only worthwhile if the other child is under heavy pressure to behave, too. Any asymmetry, and one child will feel really betrayed.

LIZS · 07/10/2014 08:11

Arrange to meet without the boys. You can't force them to get along. If you must meet , do so on neutral ground ie a park so you can leave when things get awkward.

starfishmummy · 07/10/2014 08:15

I think I would just meet up with her alone if I wanted to continue the friendship. If you do get together with the kids then why not meet outside the home?

Original poster

peanutbuttercup · 07/10/2014 08:17

Thanks everyone. I remember being forced to play with my Mum's friends DD who was horrible as a child so I do understand. We're going to the pool tomorrow so neutral territory I'll just have to see how it goes from there. I'd prefer to become friends without kids but I know she's more keen for us to be "family friends".

OP posts:

IsItMeOr · 07/10/2014 08:24

Well done, hope it goes well tomorrow.

I can't help wondering if she's so keen on being family friends because her DS can be a little less than friendly?

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 07/10/2014 08:32

Up to you and a good idea to meet in neutral territory but to be honest I wouldnt have involved the kids

They will be doing their own thing soon and won't want to be with mum and her friend, that's normal.

Not sure the pool is a wise choice as bullying there could be dangerous. I would put your ds on his guard, tell him this is the lads last chance and be prepared to step in if you see any bullying from the other lad. Also tell your ds he's quite ok to stand up for himself and you will back him up.

Mrsjayy · 07/10/2014 08:45

I wouldn't take him infact in future id meet her when they are back at school, dd doesn't like my friends son never has she said he is weird she had to block him from facebook itt all got to awkward for her now she won't come when we go visit.

ARainyDay · 07/10/2014 09:00

I'd meet up when the boys are busy elsewhere so they don't have to spend time together. It must be possible during school hours or get a babysitter of an evening?

I just don't think your DS should be forced; from his point of view his belongings were violated (which probably felt like HE was violated), and he may view it that you're selfishly choosing your friendship over his personal (items) safety. That would feel an unhealthy second-best to me.

He may feel differently if he receives an apology but I'd be careful about orchestrating that; too many people can skilfully appear contrite but have absolutely no intention to change their behaviour.

Even if your DS receives an apology and agrees to meet up, I'd always make sure it's on neutral territory from now on. Just in case. You can always review it later if they become fast friends, but I doubt that's going to happen any time soon.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 07/10/2014 09:03

It's actually quite a common problem too as I have had friends I really like but can't abide their dcs and wouldn't have them near my own kids and my kids would refuse to meet up with them anyway.

I advocate choosing my friends and the dcs choosing theirs.

Delphiniumsblue · 07/10/2014 18:38

It has got to that stage, you choose your friends and he chooses his- it is the natural way unless you extremely lucky that your choices match.

magoria · 07/10/2014 19:58

I wonder if she is keen for you to become family friends because her DS pissed off all the other children and their parents don't make their children give them chances?

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