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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my daughter to ditch her bf

21 replies

neiljames77 · 06/10/2014 23:05

I think she's sleepwalking into an abusive relationship. He tries to split her from her friends, when she does go out with them he's texting her constantly. He's slagged off all our family and now he's stirring up trouble between her and my youngest.
I may be wrong but I said to her that he won't be happy until it's just him and her and it wouldn't surprise me if he suggested that they move away so she definitely has nobody.
He can do whatever he likes and go wherever he likes. If they go out together, she always pays.
Is this a standard practice for certain types? What more can she expect? Am I right to interfere?

OP posts:
Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 06/10/2014 23:07

How old are they?

Aeroflotgirl · 06/10/2014 23:07

Your right, he dies sound very abusive. What dies your dd say. I would be doing the same as you.

Darkesteyes · 06/10/2014 23:14

That is horrifying. He sounds extremely abusive.

Original poster
neiljames77 · 06/10/2014 23:15

She's 18, he's 19.
She says he's only joking and minimises it but I think she's being brainwashed.
He doesn't seem to want to be friendly with anyone.

OP posts:
mommy2ash · 06/10/2014 23:16

how old are they?

my sister has a boyfriend like that and any time i said anything against him she would just cut Me off from her life. I really pity her as she thinks his behaviour is normal but there isn't anything I can do about it it's her decision.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 06/10/2014 23:17

Sadly all you can do is point out the red flags and be there for her when it all goes pear shaped.

My DD(18) has just packed in someone we didn't feel was very good for her; a nice enough boy but a complete pain in the arse when he dropped a few pills or put some coke up his nose. I think that the way DP and I always anticipated what his behaviour was going to be like, (horrible on a Saturday night, grumpy on a Monday, incommunicado on Tuesday, remorseful by Thursday) helped her realise that we actually knew what we were talking about.

Some types of men are horribly predictable.

Darkesteyes · 06/10/2014 23:23

neil i dont want to worry you but i saw similar happen to a friend back in the early 90s when i was quite young myself.
And i cant put too much detail here but a younger woman i know went through similar about 4 or 5 years ago.

In both cases it escalated into both young men trying to bully the girls into getting pregnant (in the latter case because he didnt want her to go to uni) there is more awareness being raised of things like this now I watched an episode of SVU recently which covered reproductive abuse.

I know you probably dont like to think of it because she is your daughter but these things can escalate quickly. I dont mean to alarm you

MammaTJ · 06/10/2014 23:47

I would be very concerned. Make sure she knows whatever happens you will be there for her. Try not to say too much, maybe lay things out once and make sure she knows you will be there for her and support her both in and out of this relationship. She needs to know she has you as a safety net when she eventually realised what has happened, while not feeling she needs to cut you out too soon!

Something like 'I am concerned because he has done this this and this. This is the first (if it is) and last time I will bring this up but whatever happens in the future, do not forget I am always here for you'.

ChippingInLatteLover · 06/10/2014 23:52

Neil I hope you can convince her otherwise. Try posting in relationships and ask for some book recommendations maybe?

AnyFucker · 07/10/2014 00:10

neil you must be so worried

I know you read the relationships and FWR boards so you are in a better position than many fathers to know what the signs of a controlling and/or unhealthy relationship is

this site is aimed at teens and may help you to frame any chats you have with your daughter where you speak of your concern for her. It also signposts some useful organisations for more help

never allow her pull herself away from you no matter what she says or does

at the moment it may be a case of you being able to be no more pro active than watching from the sidelines which is agonising of course

where is her mum in this ?

Original poster
neiljames77 · 07/10/2014 09:09

Thanks AF and everyone else. I'll read up on as much as I can to make sure I'm fore warned. I want to know what to expect next, not so I can be a smartarse and say to her, "told you ". That'd just drive away or she'd clam up.

OP posts:
Original poster
neiljames77 · 07/10/2014 10:15

Sorry, you asked about her mum's approach.
Her approach is a bit scatter gun really. Keeps repeating the same point over and over. It's just antagonising my daughter though. I prefer to keep things calm when I'm talking to her but she gets dismissive.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/10/2014 10:21

There is the danger. Go in too strong and she will detach further form the people who have her best interests at heart

Tough stuff

Idontseeanysontarans · 07/10/2014 10:26

Neil my Dad could have written that when I was 18, I dated an absolute toad who did the same type of things.looking back now (20 years on) the best thing my parents did for me was to always be available for me to talk to and discuss things calmly with. They never told me to ditch him even though they wanted me to desperately and they made a huge effort to keep me involved in my own life with them to prevent me from becoming isolated.
This calm approach didn't stop them from throwing me a small party wen I eventually saw sense and got rid! Grin
Good luck Wine

Original poster
neiljames77 · 07/10/2014 10:52

I think that's what I'll have to do. (being available that is. Not the party!!)

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 07/10/2014 10:57

Agree you need to walk a tightrope between being a listening ear but resisting temptation to step in and offer to sort this. If DD believes she is being judged, embarrassment may prevent her from confiding in you.

Watch out for belongings being spoiled or lost, unexpected failure to turn up at family events. Tension can show up in onset of headaches neck or back pains, he doesn't have to lay a finger on her for her to develop signs of stress.

aermingers · 07/10/2014 10:57

Unfortunately at that age I think that trying to split them up will just make her even more determined to stick with him. Tinkly and AnyFucker have given good advice.

BigfootFiles · 07/10/2014 11:04

Fwiw, the whole "he won't be happy until it's just him and her" could be cast as terribly romantic in the eyes of a young teen in love. Look at the "Twilight" movies and the relationship dynamic upheld there as "true love". You obviously don't understand this young man like she does, and how what they have is so special - he's texting her all the time while she's out because he's thinking about her while she's not there, that's how much he loves her... Hmm

That may be the rose-tinted glasses through which your daughter is viewing it. There was a great article I read a while back dissecting the Twilight relationship in terms of where it is actually abusive and unhealthy. Might be worth giving her an article like that, she might be able to recognise the abusive signs if its at one remove from her own life?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 07/10/2014 11:16

Yes, I would actually say stuff like, "Oh I bet he'll be trying to put you off going to that party," or, "I expect he will be sulking tonight because you went out with the girls last night".

We painted DD's boyfriend as a bit of a sad case rather than a bad boy. We said things like, "Oh he'll probably be lovely when he grows up a bit, but he's quite immature isn't he? And you are much too grown up to not get bored by him".

BigfootFiles · 07/10/2014 11:39

Not the article I was thinking of, but possibly a useful one nonethelesss: everydayfeminism.com/2012/07/admiring-emotionally-abusive-relationships/

Aeroflotgirl · 07/10/2014 11:52

Why don't you take her along to Woman's Aid to talk to somebody, as she sounds very naive and mabey needs to see reality.

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