To worry this was sexually inappropriate when I was a child? Was this my fault

[dontwanttobehere2]

I don't know where to start. Today at work I had an horrific sensation, which I think is termed a body memory, of something awful happening to me and being very humilated but with a disgusting sort of sexual arousal. Not like normal sexual arousal though, there was nothing enjoyable about it, and it almost hurt and it was like being tortured. I thought I was about to lose my mind, I just wanted to run away and drink a bottle of vodka for the oblivian it would give me.

It's not clear what happened to me when I was a young child, but I have had several experiences like this or flashbacks where I feel something has happened that should not.

I remember when I was really young, was a male caregiver, who was emotionally abusive, being really disgusted with me when he was washing my private parts in the bath, and I don't properly remember what happened after but I keep wondering did he do something wrong after. I also feel that I know he used to smack me, even though I don't have clear memories, and I just don't know did he get furious and smack me, terrify and shame me for masturbation, which is fairly normal small-child behavior but he disapproved of.

I was never exposed to porn, but I was exposed to inappropriate adult conversation, and when I was about 9 I behaved very inappropriately with a male neightbour. I asked him about his sex life and squeezed his bum. I am so ashamed of this now, I was definitely not a worldly 9 year old either, was very geeky and uncool but thought I was an adult because I was treated tha way. This makes me think whatever happened before this neighbour incident - I probably asked for it by the way I was behaving,

Something feels very wrong with the memory I had today, and I honestly can't cope with another day like today. It was incredibly distressing to feel some kind of sexual awareness but for it to be like being tortured. I just don't know how to feel. I feel so guilty, like I was born bad.

Have you seen a counsellor?

Whatever happened to you, you weren't asking for it.

I think you need to get some good professional help to work through this. Perhaps some form of art therapy or psychotherapy rather than CBT, but look into options.
Sexual activity between an adult and child is never the child's fault. Adults set the boundaries. Abuse happens because of child abusers. That's it.
If you were behaving in a sexually aware manner as a child it could well be the result of abuse. But never the cause.

I hope you have the chance to work through things and find some peace.

What Captain said. I recognise your description of the horrible, all-body flashbacks, which you describe so well. It happened to me too, and there are certain things I simply cannot do as an adult. Don't castigate yourself for one second - you were a child, and the victim of predatory sexual behaviour by an adult. In no conceivable way is this your fault. But yes, seek professional help as soon as you can to help you deal with the memories.

You were a child. Not your fault. Have you ever had these flashbacks before?

Totally agree with other posters. It could never have been your fault. Really hoping you can get some counselling that will help you.

Thank you. I'm just so shaken up. I am so sorry for those that have been through similar also.

I know if it was anyone else I would say, it could never be your fault, you were a child. But somehow because its me it feels like I did something wrong to bring it on myself. If part of me was aroused by it back then, whatever it was, then that feels like i invited it. But I wouldnt think that about any other child in that situation.

I've had the same thing too. And the feelings of shame, of being "bad," of bringing it on myself.

It's utterly shit, I'm so sorry you're going through it. It is totally possible to come out the other side though, and to be free of it.

None of it was your fault. It doesn't matter if you were aroused, if you literally asked for it, if you "started" it, whatever, you were in no way responsible. You were a child. What the adults did was wrong, they knew it was wrong and they did it anyway. They should never have done what they did. They deserve to burn in hell for it. It was totally and utterly wrong and you were just very very unlucky to come in contact with some horrible, nasty fuckwits who used you for their own entertainment. You are not, under any circumstances, to accept any blame for it.

Hear me?

You was 9, you had no cognitive skills at this regarding anything sexual.

You was in year 4 of primary school, most children that age wouldn't even be able to do long multiplication.

I think you shouldn't give your self a hard time, because it was the adults in your life who was ment to protect you fault NOT YOUR 9 YOUR OLD SELF.

You was 9, you had no cognitive skills at this regarding anything sexual.

You was in year 4 of primary school, most children that age wouldn't even be able to do long multiplication.

I think you shouldn't give your self a hard time, because it was the adults in your life who was ment to protect you fault NOT YOUR 9 YOUR OLD SELF.

Thank you.

I know ordinarily it could never be my fault.

But what if they didn't mean to, what if they eg were just trying to punish me because they thought it was right - smacking me and were admittedly being pretty horrible, but didn't mean to actually molest me? But because I'm bad I managed to get aroused/ maybe had been touching myself beforehand, and now it feels like I was abused even though I really wasn't?

I feel sick. And sick in the head. I'm in my 30's, I have had depression a long time but the memories have only come up recently.

You're not bad.
I was abused as a child, though not sexually. I suffered from the same doubts of "I must have deserved it because why else would they have done it to me" and the feelings of general badness and of being an inherently bad person stayed with me for a very long time.
It wasn't your fault and you're not bad.

You know that these thoughts aren't really rational. It is just a way of trying to make sense of something, when the truth is too hard and too confusing.

"But what if they didn't mean to, what if they eg were just trying to punish me because they thought it was right"

That still wouldn't make it your fault. No matter how good their "reason" for doing what they did. (And I don't think your logic above would be a good reason anyway.)

Not everything is someone's fault. "They might not have meant to" is not equivalent to "it was my fault".

That's true. Not everything is someone's fault, you're right.

I feel like a freak though. If it wasn't intentional, I have managed to screw myself up by having a reaction to their badly judged actions.

You shouldn't feel guilty, It was never your fault. Though they may have You we groomed in some way. You were frightend
You were abused because you were in the room with an abuser.
That is not your fault, you could have been naked, and a decent man or women would have not abused you. The crime is all his.