Ex's new girlfriend

[lucyintheskywithdinos]

Ex-h has the children three nights a week. We split up nearly a year ago. He has a new girlfriend. Which I was really happy for him about, he seemed much happier and less angry.

However, he is moving in with her. They have been together for only three months and she hasn't met the children or even any of his family yet.

I'm worried on so many levels...for his new girlfriend (she is in her late 30's with no children), for our three small DDs (8,5,2) for him when it almost inevitably goes tits up. Obviously all I can do is calmly state my quite practical concerns, I also suggested that he take six months to gradually introduce her to the kids and his family because at the moment he doesn't know what will happen.

I don't think my concerns are unreasonable. But it is also possible that the stress of the last year has caused me to totally lose the plot...so I put it to the MN jury!

YANBU. He doesn't know how this relationship will turn out. How does he see this working if he has the dc 3 nights a week, yet the person he'll be living with hasnt even met them yet?
Does he have them overnight?

Yes, overnight twice in the week. Then 24 hours from Saturday lunchtime to Sunday lunchtime.

Oh dear, she is in for a shock then! I hope your DC come out alright in all of this.

I'm worried most about DD1's reaction...the littler two are generally gregarious and accepting. However, DD1 isn't an easy person to like (she is very like me, extremely extroverted and has strong opinions!).

It is too fast. It wouldn't be so bad but it's your DCs that are going to be most affected. When my parents divorced, I first met my dads new girlfriend after she had moved in. She was pushed on me and I resented her. Your ex is being unreasonable.

Its not ideal in this situation with your ex having them several nights a week. Ideally he should introduce them a few months before moving in so they all get used to each other.

However you can't force him to do it your way. All you can do is be there for your children and try to help them. Its rubbish to be put in this situation but short of going to court there's not much you can do if he wants to live with his new girlfriend.

here to offer an alternative view...I was the new gf just over 2 years ago, like everyone here I had very strong views about slowly introducing me to the kids once dp and I were certain our relationship was going somewhere. due to a childcare crisis for his ex I met them after only 5 weeks of being with dp. it was not ideal but was unavoidable however it did take the anxiety out of it for us all as no one had time to get worked up or worried about it.

we moved in together after 4 months and the kids started staying with us overnight. it has been really hard and I do feel like dp and I never got a chance to date properly because of it but ultimately the kids have adjusted brilliantly.

unfortunately you can give him your opinion but you cannot force him to act in the way you want. if I were in your shoes I would start preparing your eldest if you think she will find it hard.

Crikey - she's letting him move in, but hasn't yet met the 3 young children he has 3 nights a week! She's mad

Is the move being forced/hastened by some sort of crisis with your ex's current accommodation?

My DH and I both have kids from previous relationships - we met each other's after a couple of months, but took 2 whole years before moving in together, gradually getting to know them and so on.

My ex on the other hand did move a GF in with him (moving from abroad) when she'd hardly met the DC. They were very young then - similar ages to your younger two and I'm immensely proud of how open minded and accepting they've both been with it all - ex had a one bed flat at the time and DS was booted out the bed he shared with his dad because GF was going to be staying there from now on But he was fine about it and they both just seemed to accept the change

I don't think it was easy for the GF though. The relationship has worked (ish - in an on-off rather volatile kind of way) but she doesn't really have any kind of a relationship with my DC, even now. She tolerates them, that's all :( My DC just kind of treat her as an appendage to their dad - a bit like they did when we had a lodger in our home (before I met DH)

But my ex's GF moved into his home, which was very much already the DC's home. She had to fit in with his way of doing things largely. I'd be quite worried about your DCs moving into a house that's owned/already occupied by someone they've not met. She can't have any idea what a huge change that will bring.