to expect DH to come straight home after work

[Rockingthestocking]

Hi all . I'velurked for a long time on here and this is my first post on AIBU.
My DH works 'the hours the business needs' and as he works f/t and his
job involves working wherever the
customer is. Thismeans he often
leaves at 5.30am to drive to the customer to arrive in time for a full day then leaves at 5pm to arrive home 8pm ish. Depending on where the customer is depends on his travel time. Occasionally, maybe 2 or 3 times a month, he will leave at 8am and be back for 5pm. VERY occasionally he will be home 3pm if customer is near home. The long hours are hard for him and me & dd (age 5) as we miss him. But he doesn't work weekends. It's a job that pays an average salary and we are grateful he has it.
I work 5 days a week in school hours.
This means the vast majority of the time me & DD wake up and he's already left for work. I do school run, straight to work to arrive just in time then leave work to go straight to school for pick up. Then home to do tea/ lunch for next day/ homework/play/housework whatever until bed time. Occasionally he is home in time to see DD.
This arrangement means I get very little time to myself to do anything just for me. I can't arrange to meet a friend in the evening as I can't guarantee he'll be home in order for me to leave the house at a certain time. Even if I know he's working only 50 miles away if he gets stuck in traffic then there's not much he can do. I just try to work around him.
However, he has a hobby. He loves this hobby. He often gets back to his office and spends time on Facebook talking to people about his hobby. He also will do his hobby early in the morning before leaving home or back in the office when he gets back after wherever he's been for work. This means even more of his time is spent away from us.
I however don't feel I can ever have a hobby as I have no time to do it.
I love him. He is a pretty amazing bloke and (at weekends) a fab dad.
So, AIBU to expect him to at least come home straight from work so he can spend more time with us? Or, as his job means he sometimes doesn't get home til very late anyway, does it matter By that I mean if he's at work then it's acceptable but if he's late due to him doing something he
enjoys then does that make a difference.
If I am being unreasonable how do I see it differenly. If I'm not then how do I explain it to him without sounding like a spoilt cow? After all he can't ever promise he will be home at a certain time bt I really miss him and dd does and well I suppose the crux of it is I am jealous that he gets to do his hobby and I don't.
Thanks all.

It needs to be equal- he should get 2/3 days a week and so should you. Or something along those lines.

Can he not do his hobby from your home? That'd be better, wouldn't it.

And/or you need to find a reliable local babysitter so you can start doing stuff without it being dependent on his being home in time.

I feel for you. Having a partner who isnt there very much is a pita.

"He often gets back to his office and spends time on Facebook talking to people about his hobby."

I'd be pretty teed off with that - couldn't he do his Facebooking at home?

And if he's working 50 miles away and finishes at 5, surely he could almost completely guarantee to be home by, say, 8, and you could arrange to meet a friend then? Disasters happen and then you'd have to cancel, but I wouldn't base my diary on the offchance of it taking more than 3 hours for him to go 50 miles.

Thanls for your replies. This issue has been doing my head in for months & months and Im glad I plucked up the guts to ask for opinions. Thank you.
I can't pay a sitter....just don't have the funds and would feel too selfish.
Yes I do sometimes arrange to meet friends if he's only 50 miles away for example but I hate letting people down.
When he does get home we eat tea together ....and them he often continues his Facebook.
I fucking hate fb. Maybe this is the problem! Bloody hell.....I'm jealous of facebook!

Just ask tell him to put his phone away.

id be pissed off at those hours for an average wage, and then still not coming home.

Yes branleuse it is an issue but not one I can do anything about. That's his issue to take up with his employers and whilst we both wish itwould be ddifferent , like many jobs out there, you just have to work hard and do your best for what pay you get. He negotiated a pay rise about a year ago which brought him up to average. Bloody lucky to get that really, but if it were per hour it would be under minimum wage.
I will try tonight to tell (or ask!!!) Him to put phone away.

Thanks again. I know this is a minor thing compared to a lot of threads onhere so I apappreciate your feedback.

I agree he should def be home straight after work when possible. It shows where you are in his order of priorities and it's incredibly disrespectful that he'd rather chat with others than you.

Agree that you should be trying to meet up with friends even if it's a drink at a friends house who won't mind if you turn up at 9 cos DH was stuck in traffic.

50 miles shouldn't take more than 90 mins. I travel further than that on a mix of roads, with ongoing major roadworks and it generally takes about 75/80 mins in rush hour.

I don't know what sort of job he does, but he should if possible arrange his customer contacts at a time which ensures he can get home in a timely manner. Obviously not easy if he is sent on jobs and has no control over this.

I would be furious if he didn't come straight home from work when he can leave on time. It's unreasoanble and unfair, even more so that he appears to be spending time doing something that he could do when he is at home.

Why do you think you would sound like a spoilt cow by explaining how you feel to him?

He is being extremely selfish both to you and his child.

Hi littlef00t. I hadn't considered it disrespectful. I guess it is. But as he works such long hours I feel sorry for him and want him to relax....but at the same time I don't get that chance.
And polly....I would feel like a spoilt cow because I feel like I am saying 'what about me! I want to play with my friends and I can't and it's not fair'. This is the sort of thing my 5 year old might say if I tell her we can't go to the park as I have to go shopping or clean the bathroom or whatever.
I think I just need to mull over all your thoughful replies and have a conversation with him about it needing to be more 50/50. Like I say he's a great bloke so he should understand but nothing has changed when I've said it before so I just need to be stronger. I also don't want to ce across as a nagging controlling fishwife.

Is it a fb role playing "world of warcrafty" type game, OP?

My DH has a similar job style in that he works off site 99% of the time so can be 10 miles away this week and 400 miles away next week, when he's 400 miles away he has to stop in digs mon-fri. Sometimes the kids don't see him in the week even if he's home every night.

I'd go barmy if he decided to go out straight from work most nights. DH goes out one night a week for matches which is hard enough sometimes. He likes having a few hours to himself but he wouldn't do it every day as he misses the kids too much while he's at work.

Your DH is massively taking the mick, going into work early isn't too bad as you'd not see him on a morning anyway, but staying out longer than he has to most nights isn't on. Its not fair on either you who's stuck at home, or your dd who doesn't get to see her daddy. His priorities are screwed up if he's putting a hobby before your family given his long working hours.

No golden..nothing like that. It's just a hobby/ sport thing.
Crazykat.....it's hard when they're away isn't it. And it's a job so I'm over the moon he has one. But I think having had several replies now I can see I'm not necessarily a spoilt cow wanting my way. However at the weekends he is super-dad and Dd is the apple of his eye.
How to tell him and get him to understand though without an argument is gonna be tricky. But I feel a bit more confident now knowing it's not just me who thinks this.
Mumsnet rocks! Thanks all