To think it might be time to buy a book as I dont know what I am doing!

[Beatrixemerald]

dd is 15 weeks old and I still haven't managed to get her to sleep anywhere other than with me at night. I am ebf and feed her to sleep. On average she wakes every 3 hours or so.
I dont really know when her naps are other than she seems to have about three per day two short and one long but these seem to happen only when we are doing something so happen in the pram/car.
Bedtime routine is a bath then feeding on and off for a couple of hours but I have to then go to bed with her about nine.
All in all she is a really happy contented baby but with no real routine or ability to sleep alone and I dont know where to start.
Before she was born I said I was just going to go with instinct but now I feel I am doing everything wrong.
Any book reccomendations to get me on track ? is it too late?

Hi love you are doing it all right and nothing wrong.

It's bloody exhausting but your baby sounds completely normal and that's how my 4 were.

I absolutely swear it gets easier and you will both eventuaiiy sleep

My tip. Avoid books because none of them know fuck all about you or your baby. You are the expert.

Hugs and and maybe just a little may be needed.

The trouble is, your baby won't read the book so I doubt it'll make much difference!

Sounds exactly right to me. Baby is fed, sleeping and happy. Job's a good'un, surely.

It sounds quite normal to me. DD showed no signs of a routine at that age, she still varies her pattern from week to week now (9 months). If she's happy and you're ok with it then carry on as you are.

I read books, they didn't help; DD is a snacker and a catnapper and a resister of routines so none of the book routines really worked for us.

I think we did get the baby monitor at about that stage and start putting DD to sleep upstairs rather than down with us in the evening but she was still waking very regularly between her bedtime (7ish) and our bedtime (10ish) until a few weeks ago.

Sounds lovely to me. Enjoy your baby. You sound like you're starting to notice a pattern but only make it a routine if you want to. Don't feel you "need" to. As for sleeping alone, your baby is still very small and apt not to like it, particularly if it's all you ever do. Try the short nap as the thin end of the wedge to sleep alone. Extend to longer naps, then bedtime. It'll come, so no need to force it. Enjoy the snuggles while they last?

It sounds as if you're doing great! Ikwym though, I always had that horrible feeling I was missing a trick somewhere, I liked reading books for a bit of reassurance too

The one baby book I always (endlessly, in fact) recommend is Dr Marc Weissbluth's Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. It will give you some really valuable information about normal baby sleep, and when and how to start cracking the self-settling issue. As always, though, and as pp have said, there will always be bits you don't agree with or which don't seem to work for your child - you absolutely must ignore these, definitely don't sweat anything as long as you and your baby are healthy and happy.

Sounds like what we did. I don't claim to be an expert, but a year in and we're in a sensible enough routine. DS napped when necessary, (often out) so usually about 90mins - 2hrs after waking. He was a cat-napper though, and nothing I did ever changed that until about 9m.

I fed to sleep, and I sometimes still do. It's not a bother at all, and he will go to sleep for other people without milk. I think we were still
cluster feeding at your stage too, so bedtime was a drawn out process. It feels unstructured, but it's ok - it will change.

You're doing great - really.

You're not doing anything wrong, it sounds to me as though you're comforting your baby perfectly. A routine will sort itself out eventually but we never had one until dd was on 3 meals a day. If you want to have a couple of hours to yourself in the evening then I'd start very gently by putting your dd to sleep in her bed after her bath and feed if she will let you but it sounds to me as if she is cluster feeding in the evening so she might have a big sleep after that.

thanks for the lovely reassurance, I just feel totally disorganised and have a husband who is feeling very pushed out, particularly by the sleeping arrangements.

Do you have room for a co-sleeper cot?

DD only slept on me to begin with and still likes to creep into our bed at night (she's 4). I assumed that it was laziness on our part, not getting her to sleep alone, but actually it seems quite natural and instinctive.

My baby isn't BF, which makes a big difference, but we FF on demand, did tons of skin to skin and napping on us, and let him work out his own routine. When he hit about 18 weeks, he became very nosy, and wouldn't nap if there was anything even slightly interesting happening - and if there wasn't much of interest, he'd create his own by sticking his fist in my mouth, rolling over or generally being a monkey. Then he'd squeal until he was exhausted - we were horrified to see him so miserable. I found this blog post quite helpful:

www.weebeedreaming.com/my-blog/4-month-sleep-regression

Basically, since then, we put him down in the evening (in an adjoining room with an Angelcare sensor mat monitor) after a bath and a feed and he sleeps well without us until we go to bed about 10.30pm (or earlier if I miss him!) and we do a quick feed about 11pm. He still won't nap without me during the day but he has settled into the new evening routine beautifully and is so much happier. I hope you find a situation you and your baby (and your husband) are happy with very soon.

I'm afraid at the risk of 1000 people wading in and calling me a Gina ford arsehole that I have to totally disagree. It doesn't sound like your baby can self settle and I think after reading loads of baby books and having two very different children AND listening to them and not ignoring crying etc etc etc that I believe that they have to be given the opportunity to go to sleep themselves otherwise you aren't doing yourself any favours

do you mind? Can anyone else put the baby to sleep? If you don't and you aren't going back to work soon or anything and you aren't craving time away then of course none of this matters and you do what you want.

If you want to get back to a bit of normality and let your OH help them there are loads of books that can help.

for anyone who now wades in and says I am totally wrong, please can I say I am not saying the OP is a terrible mother, I am just saying that I disagree.

That sounds great. If you are happy, then carry on. Plenty of time for a bit more structure and routine once solid meals are shaping the day a bit more.

I love books so I'll recommend a couple but really don't feel pushed to look at any books at all!

Three in a Bed - Very pro co sleeping. Explains about safety, benefits, that they won't do it forever, even sex - pretty much every one of the normal concerns people have. I loved this book so much.

The No Cry Sleep Solution This is sort of in the middle. It doesn't cover harsh sleep training methods but it's understanding if you're not 100% happy with co-sleeping either and will help you work towards a middle ground. Lots of suggestions rather than "This is the right way" so you can still follow instinct with it. (Although I do vaguely remember writing charts and charts for nights with this book which seems a bit bonkers, so maybe take it with a pinch of salt!)

What Mothers Do - Lastly, this is a beautiful, wonderful book. It won't tell you a single thing to do or give you any advice, what it will reassure you is that you're not alone.

And then some non-book reassurance and experience: DS slept with me from the day he was born. I converted a cot to a sidecar cot which was a perfect solution for me. XP wasn't super happy about him being in the bed so made up the cot for him when he was 2 months old and we tried him in there, he was happy to be a little bit away from me and scoot over for feeds, that worked really well. He was showing signs of being more independent at about 10-12 months (after a feed he'd roll over away from me before falling asleep, rather than falling asleep at the breast) but then I left XP so decided to keep DS in with me for reassurance/keeping the routine. Moved him out at 2.2 when he started stealing the duvet from me He went into his own bed perfectly happily with not one issue at all.

Also on the dad issue, if you get the sidecar thing sorted out you'd have more room, and I have some lovely memories, both with XP when DS was tiny and everything was still OK(ish!) and with DH when DH when DS was older and we got together (I breastfed for a crazy long time, to explain the timescales) where I was feeding DS and had DH/XP cuddling me from behind like a whole-family cuddle kind of thing. And when I could only feed from one boob per side I used to roll DS over into the middle of us and after feeding him he would lie there and gurgle at both of us while we gazed at this amazing thing we made, and then I'd roll him back over my chest to the cot side again before we fell asleep. So I think it is possible for dads to be involved and quite a nice way to do that.

Also, get Dad to bath with the baby. Really calming, lovely skin to skin oxytocin thing they can do if he's feeling left out of breastfeeding.

Has your DH actually complained about feeling pushed out, or are you worried that's how he's feeling?

Also, your baby sounds lovely and also absolutely normal. I agree with the suggestion of a co-sleeper cot. We had a co-sleeper cot, and they are great for transitioning away from bed sharing, if you want to do that. At around 5 months we moved DS to a big cot at the end of the bed, and then around 7 months we moved the big cot into his own room. My DS never napped in his cot until he was 11 months - all naps were on my lap after a bfeed, or in the pram after going out.

The thing about babies is that there is no right or wrong, it's just what's working for you and your baby. If it's not working then there's no harm with trying to make changes.

I think this all sounds pretty normal. My DS is only a couple of weeks older than your DD and we're just at the stage where he's starting to set his own routine. I started to put him down for naps in his co-sleeper during the day at about 14 weeks and he's wasn't happy about it at first, but I spent time reassuring him, playing lullabies etc and now he goes to sleep alone no problem. Some days he sleeps a lot, some days he has a couple of half hour catnaps here and there, but generally he's waking and going down at night at roughly the same time now (he was cluster feeding until 2 weeks ago).

I've been using the Eat Sleep app which is great to help you see that there is actually a pattern when it doesn't seem like it!

I'd also recommend getting a co-sleeper, it's great for everyone.

DH did all of DD's baths until she could sit up on her own in the bath. He didn't actually have baths with her and she wasn't give a bath every day, but it did give him a thing that he was "expert" at and I think that helped him. I still have no idea how to bath a newborn and just assumed that my hands are too small.

Just no arsehole accusations here but imo 15 weeks is still fairly young to be thinking about self-settling; I mean, not disastrously young, it's quite possible, both my DC were doing it by then, but that's what I'd been aiming for all along. The OP hasn't, and therefore shouldn't start worrying that she's "behind" or anything because her baby isn't spontaneously doing it yet. Just saying.

I just have no idea how dd would self settle, she does just fall asleep when we are out and about just not at home.

I tend to think that babies develop the ability to self settle in their own time, and there's not much that can be done to force it if they aren't ready. At the age your baby is, I really wouldn't worry about whether he can self settle or not.

get DH to do things like the bath if you can
and dont worry about self settling yet, she will learn but shes very young and it sounds as though you are doing the basics well in terms of being happy, fed and contented

I find DD (10 weeks) doesnt settle as well into her cot if I put her there.
I let her go to sleep/near sleep after a feed while cuddling her then hand her to DH for a cuddle. He then transfers her to the cot, and shush's her/ pats her if she wakes. I think if I transfer her and she wakes she looks to me for milk to comfort? - so similar to you she naps on or with me during the day, get lots of cuddles but at night is mostly in the cot (and I can sleep more deeply too)
I may get flamed and told this is nonsense but like you, I am sauntering along on what works pragmatically, and not a routine. The difference may be shes my second child so I feel a bit more confident/less stressed about whether I am doing the right thing and confident that DD will manage things at her own pace

Yes, they move onto self settling when they're older.

Can you imagine breastfeeding her to sleep in your bed when she's 10? Of course not because no child is still doing so at that age.

You could try putting her down after a feed and see if she will settle herself, but if she doesn't, don't worry about it. She's only tiny and her instincts don't know that it's not still the stone ages - they are programmed to want to be near us because that's the only way, historically, that they would have survived.