AIBU to have a good old rant about loveable but infuriating DP

[Allstoppedup]

DP is a nice guy, he is kind, funny and tries to do the right thing. The problem is for a grown man, he has absolutely downright NO idea what to do. Honestly I sometimes wonder how he reached the age he has with incredible lack of motivation/nouse/idontknowwhattocallit.

To sum up, since Wed last week I've been unwell, just a standard scratchy throat, sniffles. I'm a sahm for our 9 month old DS, DP works FT and as part of this I admit, I do the bulk of the house work, (all) the cooking and obviously the majority of childcare. This is fine, it works well for us and he does keep an eye on DS as soon as he gets back from work whilst I do dinner etc , takes turns with bath time and generally does do his bit with our son...

Naturally this week the house isn't looking GREAT, I've been a bit lazy due to feeling a bit under the weather.

Anyway, on Friday, the 'cold' ramped up to full on fever, chills, aches, swollen eyes. I've not felt this ill in a long time. I had to take DS to the Drs that day as I noticed white patches in his mouth- turns out he has oral thrush. Pick up the medicine, by the time I walk home I feel atrocious. DP, to his credit was very sympathetic, brought me some medicine and let me rest whilst he entertained DS .

All in all, he was great. I was pretty much out of it for the weekend. DS is BF so as usual I still did all the night feeds (DP hasn't done ONE night waking since DS was born) but DP did get up extra early (half 6ish) and took DS downstairs so I could rest/ take meds that I couldn't take with DS still around (DS co-sleeps so avoided drowsy pain meds etc...) I ventured out of bed every so often and was ushered back up to rest, which I was very grateful for at the time.

I am feeling a little better today and went down this morning after DP went to work and the place is trashed. I mean, it is disgusting. Food out all over the place, cat litter stinking and over flowing. Half done laundry is EVERYWHERE and all dummy sterilizer stuff I left out to clean anything that DS had in his mouth (to help clear the thrush) hasn't been touched- so despite me still administering DS' medicine all weekend it's not clearing up- now I know why.

Arrrgghhhh! I feel so conflicted as I KNOW DP was trying to help me feel better and was very attentive in making sure I had drinks/medicine and I know weekends are usually his downtime too but REALLY?! I just feel like the existing unkemptness was an invitation to just trash the place. I know he watched DS for a whole weekend but it astounds me that he didn't even try to put away food from the fridge, or ensure that DS had a clean dummy/ toy.

It feels like he thinks the housework fairy dies this shit. So here I am, still I'll, DS now has a raging temp and the house is in need of a deep clean.

I will be having words with him when he gets home but I just WISH I didn't have to. I know him and I know it will be that he just didn't THINK. It makes me worry about him ever looking after DS unsupervised which is really something I never thought I would have to worry about!

Arrgggg

You have my deepest sympathy. I also have one of those DPs who just has absolutely no gumption and doesn't bloody think or cast a glance around to see how he could help. The difference is we don't have kids, so I can't imagine how much worse it is with a baby!

I have no advice, but have some

Thanks!

I've started operation tidy up and just found a raw sweet potato on the floor covered in DS teeth marks...ONE weekend and I now have a feral vegetable mauling baby.

I guess I have to laugh or I'll cry!

How is he at work, OP? You say he works full time - is he capable of thinking, planning, foreseeing, multi-tasking when he's at work? Or does he have the sort of job where he doesn't need to think and just numbly follows orders?

I have a horrible feeling it's the former, in which case the mess and chaos he has left for you to clean up is an expression of his contempt for you.

Time for A Talk.

"Contempt" is a bit strong. If OP's partner is anything like mine, he's just dozy with no common sense sometimes.

Sorry to hear you've not been well! And it can't have been nice to walk down to face what you did this morning....! Aggravating! (Did the doc say anything to you about managing bf and the oral thrush? Hope everyone is feeling better soon!)

If people can hold down a responsible job, they can keep a house relatively tidy. It is a choice, he has chosen not to bother OR he was totally overwhelmed by looking after you and a child. Either way, it isn't great.

Hope you feel better soon

Just going to offer sympathy and ask whether you have thrush on your breasts too, as you may need to treat those as well as DS' mouth in order to clear the oral thrush (and possibly keep you clear of it)

Yeah, I don't think it's malicious on his part, but that doesn't excuse it! We were both slovenly and arguably irresponsible when we first met but lots has changed and he does need to think like an adult not a teenager.

I'm sure he'll be very sorry and horrified at how upset I was by it but I know it's hard to change how someone thinks.

Thanks for the well wishes. Every time I bend down my face feels like it will explode with pressure but I'm getting there slowly.

As far as the thrush, Dr wasn't too helpful, we have drops 4 times a day, I'm washing and drying myself after a feed and we were (I thought!?) Making sure all mouth bound toys were being cleaned/sterilized.

Poor little DS has such a temp today though I think he is in for a rough few days.

I should add, at present I don't seem to have any symptoms in my breasts! Fingers crossed I caught it early enough and we can hopefully avoid it!

Why the hell are you cleaning it up? Go back to bed until he has done it.

I don't believe he deserves a bashing! He had his heart in the right place, but his common sense in a total other. Alot of men are the same!

I would leave the 'deep clean' until DP got home and would ask him to deal with it. For now, just do a general pick up, wipe down etc.

We're listening OP.

I wish I could leave it! His parents are back from their holidays today and are coming over to see DS! They are lovely but I think even they would be less than understanding about the mess...it's a live rodent away from squalor! Thank you all though.

DP will be told its not on and owes me another 'sleep' weekend where I'm not having fever dreams about trying to make a cowardly lion theatre prosthetic!?!

I have one too. Its not malicious or disrespectful, they just don't "know".

I have recently(2 months ago) broken my ankle/dislocted foot and have been on crutches and non weight bearing since then. My husband works ft from home and we have 3 kids. What I have noticed since being unable to do anything practical other than issue instructions, is that unbeknownst to me previously,my days obviously consisted of constantly sorting and tidying odds and ends and it is this that men do not seem to notice.Particularly if they don't often have to do it. My DH has always done most of the shopping/cooking but not the sorting/tidying/housework. But he genuinely appears not to notice the mess. I am having to just let some of it go at the mo as he is having to do absolutely everything and look after me but until you cannot do it, you do not realise how much time you spend just tidying.It's things like putting books/magazines away,picking things off the floor,odd pieces of knex/lego, envelopes from the post,wiping tablemats/table,filling forms for school,sorting laundry. My DH has been astonished that we do a daily load of washing too. It is in no way malicious and he was similar when I met him but I would never moan about him as in 11 years of small kids I could count on my fingers the times he hasn't been here to help with teatime/bedtime and he is a very hands on dad..to the extent that sometimes I feel like I have 4 kids and no DH, but the kids love it.
Take a deep breath and remember all the nice things about him. Hope everyone recovers soon.

I would be bloody livid.

Op do you have a friend you can call to help? Or tbh leave it, let his parent's arrive and see that you are ill and their son has left the house in a state!

An overflowing cat litter tray with a 10mth Old who is probably crawling? Sorry but that's disgusting.

I assume he is a functioning adult as he holds down a job. What was he like before baby arrived?

It's all tidied now. It's not going to appear in an Ideal Homes glossy any time soon but it looks clean and smells nicer!

I will speak to him about it later as some of it was NOT on regardless of his gender!

I'm glad to know I'm not the only one out there with a partner who is the perfect man as long as you write him out a detailed instructional! Makes a note to do this for next time

I think in some ways he might have been a bit overwhelmed by it all, I'm by no means a house keeping /sahm Angel but he did comment about DS being 'energetic' a lot, maybe he can appreciate what I do and why I'm so knackered when he comes home to a clean house, dinner and smiley baby!

I salute you vbd you sound like you have a lot on! Hope your ankle is on the mend!

I hope you are feeling better Allstoppedup and that your Ds is better soon.
Clearly your DP is not used to clearing up. But i refuse to believe that men "don't see the mess" they very clearly do. Watch any man after he has paid the cleaning bill and he will be acutely aware of the state of the house.
How can they notice so many other things, but not untidiness or filth.
Ok. He is not as practiced at clearing up as you are, and its not a big priority, but the squalor you describe is a result of simply considering that it is not his job to clean up. Lazy, thoughtless and rude.

What drops are you using? Something like Nystan?

Oral Daktarin gel is excellent. If you're bfing and it's not going away consider treating your nipples too.

Well, we had a chat. I explained how I felt (using some of your wise takes on the situation) and that today has not helped at all in making me feel any better. I also told him I'd not made dinner and he'd have to sort it himself as I don't feel like eating.

He just said he will nip to the shops for chicken soup- bless.

He was suitably apologetic and instantly told me to have a lie down in the dark (headache) and I can hear him doing the dishes I left earlier.

Rather annoyingly his parents still haven't shown up so waiting for the visit to be over so I can properly go to bed! They are horrible timekeepers but I have missed them!

I don't know how women can be so good natured about this kind of thing to be honest. Men aren't helpless, they can do this sort of thing, they just chose not to and although it isn't malicious, it is lazy and thoughtless because at the end of the day it's being left for you to do. Being born with a vagina doesn't make you better at tidying, cleaning, cooking etc or seeing what needs doing. It would really irritate me.

While I am not saying it was fine for OP to find her kitchen in the state it was in I think things are often a bit different in homes where there is a SAHM as opposed to a couple both working FT. A SAHM often takes on a large proportion of the household tasks to the extent that some husbands would not even know what needed doing on a day to day basis. I remember the first time my mother left dad in charge of dinner(she'd put it in the oven) and we went out, he rang her to ask how he would know it was ready to eat! She was furious and I said to her she wasn't being that fair as she had not let him near her kitchen for 30 years...how would he suddenly know. Some women are still guilty of this a bit.They do it all,they moan if partner tries but doesn't do it to their exacting standards(I know I do) and they think he is stupid if he does not automatically know what is needed. Some of us have made that rod for our backs but still need to vent occasionally. If I had to do DH's job for a day I wouldn't know where to start either.

Well good on him for stepping up.
No need to go all Kim and Aggie. But wiping up food and keeping dummies clean is pretty basic.

Why was the GP not helpful if you have been given the right treatment?

I dont expect dh to keep things as i would keep them. He does stuff i dont do.
But leaving the place trashed would really piss me off.

Nystatin is arguably not the right treatment in this case.
But thrush can take some time and repeated treatments to clear.