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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to scream 'It's not because I'm fat!'.

55 replies

SkinnyDipChunkyDunk · 06/10/2014 14:27

This is my DF's answer to everything that I say, some examples are;

Me- 'I love the rain'.

DF- 'It's because your fat and can hide away'.

Me- 'I hate talking to people on the phone'.

DF- 'It's because your fat and lack confidence'.

Me- 'I would love to move up north again, we were very happy there'.

DF- 'It's because your fat and are trying to avoid seeing people you know'.

Me- 'I can't stand baby groups'.

DF- 'It's because your fat, you would love them if you were thin'.

I am at the end of my tether, everything I say he reminds me that I'm fat, blames it on my weight or tells me that I should be thin as I would enjoy my life more.

I've had enough of hearing it, I just want to scream 'It's not because I'm fat!'.

OP posts:
Fairylea · 06/10/2014 16:46

I would refuse to have any contact with him until he can stop being so rude. Every time he makes a "fat" comment either just get up and leave or tell him to leave.

My mother is very similar. It's absolutely vile behaviour.

Topaz25 · 06/10/2014 16:49

Either he is clueless but concerned about your weight and health and is trying to bring it up in the only way he knows how or he is a bully constantly putting you down. Only you know him well enough to know which but if it is the second then I would consider cutting contact, do you want him to talk to your children that way one day or for them to follow his example and think it's OK?

MaryWestmacott · 06/10/2014 17:35

Ah, morbidly obese puts a different slant on it, I thought you were talking about a couple of extra dress sizes. I think that your weight probably is a huge worry to him. I can't imagine as a parent watching a child chose to damage their health to that extent and shorten their life and not feel you could say anything, he's going about it all wrong, but could this be coming from fear for you?

OP, try to see it from his point of view, if one of your DCs were doing something that could kill them, would you think "well I can't be rude and say anything" or would you be trying (even if it's in a rubbish way) to say they should change?

Are you dieting at the moment? Is he the sort ot be supportive when you are trying to do something about it?

Rather than getting angry at him, could you use this as a spur to get yourself back to healthy levels.

coffeeinbed · 06/10/2014 17:38

He probably thinks you haven't noticed and is being helpful. Hmm

Just because he's your dad does not mean he can't be a twat.

CatKisser · 06/10/2014 17:43

It's NOT ok, whatever your weight. It's horrible knowing someone who's meant to love you unconditionally is viewing you with a constant critical eye. I went through the same with my Grandmother - she used to send appalling letters with weightwatchers cuttings, pics of models who looked vaguely like me (not at all) but thin, and write telling me how Id be taken more seriously in my job if I weren't so huge. In the end I got massively upset and angry, and told her my weight is NOT her business. It got through in the end.
It's NOT ok.

KnackeredMuchly · 06/10/2014 17:44

Bollocks about the morbid obesity. If she had any other habit - smoking for example any one would get seriously ticked off if they were constantly reprimanded for it or told their life revolved around it

"Still single"
"No wonder, it's because you stink"

He has to be told it's rude, hurtful and unhelpful even if he 'cares'. Although I do struggle to think that anyone who uses weight as a stick to beat someone with cares that much.

I agree with FairyLea

FullOfChoc · 06/10/2014 18:24

What Fairylea said.

TooMuchCantBreath · 06/10/2014 18:38

Next conversation with him count it up. Afterwards either tell him or email him "dad, during this conversation you have called me fat x times. I know you are worried but it upsets me. I love you but I worry about talking to you because I know you'll mention it repeatedly. Please can you stop"

Original poster
SkinnyDipChunkyDunk · 06/10/2014 19:31

Mary I fail to see why my choice of dieting or not as any of your business, I have a lot of issues which I do not care to put on the internet thank you.

My DF is overweight, he has been for most of his life.

Thank you for your replies Smile

OP posts:
StrawberryMojito · 06/10/2014 19:40

Mary wasn't being rude, she was offering an alternative point of view. You posted on AIBU.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 06/10/2014 19:44

I would be cruelly tempted to give him a taste of his own medicine. See how he likes it.

wantstolickwilliamgraham · 06/10/2014 20:22

My response would be 'Yes I really need to drop , that would help me a lot!'

You definitely need to call him on it, point out how him obsessing about your weight and voicing it all the time is really not helping your confidence.

Spindarella · 06/10/2014 20:46

OP I know you're upset but your comment to MaryWest was too sharp.

Original poster
SkinnyDipChunkyDunk · 06/10/2014 20:59

'Damaging my health', 'shortening my life', 'doing something which is going to kill me', 'get myself back to healthy levels', I don't think that my post was sharp at all. Mary doesn't know my background, what I've been through or what I'm going through.

I am well aware of how to lose weight and I look at myself in the mirror everyday so I am also aware of how I look.

I understand that I am posting on AIBU but when someone is doing the thing that I have stated I loathe in my OP then I have the right to reply.

OP posts:
ChippingInLatteLover · 06/10/2014 21:06

YANBU - not at all. It's one thing to have a conversation with your child if you are worried about something. It is quite another thing to start every sentence with 'It's because you're fat....'

You need to tell him, firmly, that it's not acceptable and you will go NC if he keeps it up - and mean it.
:(

Spindarella · 06/10/2014 21:20

Oh ok fine, but I think mary was trying to give a possible reason that your father does this rather than him just being an arse, not that she personally thinks those things.

MaryWestmacott · 06/10/2014 21:25

OP - sorry if I upset you, but if you are at the stage of being overweight that is morbidly so, it's damaging your health and shortening your life expectancy, this isn't an insult, it's a fact. Think how that would feel for your dad. You have DCs, if it wasn't weight, but something else they were doing that was damaging them, would you feel the need to say something?

You are angry because whenever he can, your dad brings up the fact you are very overweight, I was just trying to make you think about why he was doing it. It could be because he's a wanker who's trying to upset you and put you down, or it could be a really badly done attempt to spur you into losing weight.

Aridane · 06/10/2014 21:47

Mean and annoying

And yes your father may be concerned but endless mean digs aren't going to help

Time maybe to have words with him to tell him to stop

Gemzybelle · 06/10/2014 21:51

I would seriously have no contact if that was my dad. Sorry OP but he sounds like a complete turd

manicinsomniac · 06/10/2014 23:04

I agree with Mary

Your dad could be an abusive bully or he could be desperately concerned and have no clue how to show it.

My Mum and I have a very destructive relationship around weight concern. She is morbidly obese and I am anorexic. We are both terrified for the health of the other but unable to sort ourselves out. Some of the comments we have both made in an attempt to help the other have been far less than kind. But it comes from inept love.

3nonblondeboys80 · 06/10/2014 23:15

Hge sympathies op. I had a bmi of nearly 40 when I last became pregnant. The midwife and sonographer notes etc made a big thing of my weight. Actually it had the oppossite effect. Before being in the system I actually lost weight. After that I actually felt quite depressed and the healthy eating went out the window for a while. Towards the end of my pregnancy I got back on track and shortlyafter giving birth I was a stone lighter. Birth was a planned csection with no complications or infections etc etc.
What I am trying to say is that your (d)f may have the misguided idea he is helping by pointing your weight out but I am guessing it is probably having the oppossite effect.
All the best for the future op.

maddening · 06/10/2014 23:21

Reply "well i blame the parents - bad genes hey dad"

PercyHorse · 06/10/2014 23:30

If you're morbidly obese it's not because you're really unobservant and have failed to notice the weight going on. Eating for emotional comfort is usually a major part of what's happening. If you upset someone who comfort eats it aggravates the problem.

scousadelic · 06/10/2014 23:34

OP I am also morbidly obese so I understand exactly how you feel, our weight is obvious to others but that doesn't make it their business. How we deal with it is our business and nobody else's.

I think I would sit him down with a cup of tea and tell him calmly that his comments make you feel offended and hurt, that they are having a negative effect rather than helping and from now on you are going to walk away from him every time he does it. Once you do walk away a few times he'll get the message

itsbetterthanabox · 06/10/2014 23:42

You see how there's people on this thread saying exactly what your dad does? That's because these people are everywhere! There are always people that bang on about your weight even though it's none of their business. It's like they can't stop themselves being judgemental idiots. Mumsnet is full of them sadly.
I think you have to be firm. Just say you don't want him talking about your weight and if he continues say it again and again until he understands.