to not know how much responsibility I should take/have in this MIL situation

[Jewels234]

My DFiancee (only child) lived with his parents until we moved in together 2 years ago at 26. Since then his mum seems to have suffered with mild depression as a result of him not living at home. She wants him to come back to visit them every week, and has been known to emotionally manipulate him into doing so ('we looked after you so now you need to look after us', 'how would you feel if something happened to us'). She doesn't do anything with her life apart from work and watch TV, and doesn't seem happy in life at all. Her husband works long hours so is rarely around. Recently she text him multiple times while he was at work saying that he needed to go and visit them right that second as there was an emergency. In reality, they just needed help filling in a few forms. They come from a place where to see your family every week is the normal thing to do. We have suggested hobbies that she could take up, but she isn't interested.

I really resent them emotionally manipulating my DFiancee, he is incredibly busy, working 12-14 hour days at the moment, and so to go and visit them 1.5 hours away is tough on him. I barely see him, and so our free time is precious to us.

However I feel this huge amount of guilt that because of me, she is struggling so much mentally.

What is the right thing to do in this situation to make everyone happy?

Usually on MN people recommend that when you are a couple you each deal with your own parents, and I think that is for the best. So, your fiance should probably be the person to handle this, with you staying in the background. Otherwise, you run the risk of being blamed for coming between mother and son or something like that.

All you can do is talk to him about it and say that, since it has such an impact on your time together, you want to discuss with him how much time he's going to be spending with his parents.

And he can then talk to his parents and manage their expectations about how often he is going to see them (without committing to any rigid arrangement, which can bring its own problems). I would steer clear of suggesting hobbies to MIL, and stuff like that-she has to live her own life and getting into that just reinforces the idea that your fiance has to take responsibility for his mother's happiness.

You should start by throwing out the notion that you should "make everyone happy". That way madness lies. It also isn't your responsibility.

Your MIL's depression is not "a result of him not living at home", nor is she struggling "because of you". Accept no guilt trips. Your MIL is suffering from an illness which may be telling her it's because of those things, but honestly it isn't. I know this because the entire point of parenting is to bring up children to be ADULTS. Independently functioning people. And your MIL is now resisting her son becoming exactly that.

Also - why should the parents need to be looked after? I can't imagine they're that old just yet. Even if they had children in their 40s that would leave them still only in their 60s. They could live to be in their 90s, and that's a hell of a long time to expect to be "looked after".

She isn't interested in taking up hobbies because that isn't what she wants. But we can't always get what we want. If she has depression, she needs to see a GP.

It sounds like your DFi is bowing to the emotional manipulation as well, if you hardly ever see him. I guarantee that this will not improve over time, if it isn't sorted out now.

An amount of sadness is normal at any major change in circumstances, and I do sympathise with your MIL's situation. I can see how - if her husband works all hours and her son was an only child - she may have centred her life around being his mother and may now find she has little else left. But if she's depressed, that wasn't caused by your DFi - shock, horror - growing up, nor is it your responsibility to solve.

I know that sounds hard-hearted, and I'm not suggesting your DFi goes no-contact with his mother. But charging off to see her every time she demands it will solve nothing. I get the impression that she won't be "happy" unless her son lives in her pocket, maybe even with you right out of the picture. Your DFi needs to get himself some boundaries at this stage, or it could seriously affect your relationship.

It sounds like your mother in law might be struggling with mental health and needs a lot of support, so if you can make sure she is getting whatever help she needs it will help a lot, I think.
There is no harm in you both being generous with your time for her, as long as you have some boundaries.

My Mil did this, phoned every night in tears as she was ill because he had left home, sent relatives round to tell him we had to split up as his mum couldn't cope.
We have been married for 25 years but the tears and guilt trips have never stopped, and now never will. its very hard for my DH as he was brought up to be her rock and now he isn't.
Think long and hard about this relationship, even if your DH defies his mum she will pull every trick to get him back, it can be very lonely, especially if his family join in.

I can promise my sons future partner that I will never be like this.

We had exactly the same situation. MIL was/is definitely depressed and doesn't have enough to do, which means she spends her days overthinking things. For example DS and DF didn't come over tonight, she's turning him against me whereas my Mum would think oh well it would be nice to see them but it wasn't long ago that they were last here and it gives me a chance to finish my book. We also got a lot of "DH owes us for all we sacrificed to bring him up".

I was forever trying to smooth things over after some slight I was supposed to have given her. I'm afraid it got even worse once Dc arrived and eventually DH decided to go no contact. AFAIK MIL still hasn't sought any help for her depression.

As an aside, I do seriously question the merits of women being SAHM for more than a few years. Almost all the middle aged women I know who are having treatment for depression, stopped working when their Dc were small and never went back, although of course I'm sure it could be argued their health prevented them working rather than vice versa.

I really hope my DSs end up with good women who want me around (a bit) but I also hope I have enough of my own life that it won't be over if they don't

You say he lived with his "parents". What does his father have to say about his mothers behaviour?