to think my son can't be the only boy in the school with lack of confidence and social anxiety...

[myotherusernameisbetter]

Just a bit hacked off - My son is now 14 and has battled with this for years, he may be borderline aspergers but is now asking for help to be able to speak to people and make friends. I asked school if this was something they could help with or was I better going to GP for a referral back to CAMHS. They said they could help. Went to the meeting and they tell me that they have a group set up to deal with exactly this issue but he cant go. Why? Because it's only for girls!! WTAF! so he has been told to just keep trying to speak to people and we'll catch up again in 2 months. Why dont they either set up a group for boys or just make it for boys and girls? I am sure that any of the teachers could probably pick out a boy or two in each class that would benefit.

They are constantly being put under pressure to increase their attainment to match the girls but on the other hand aren't being offered the same care and support that they are.

Totally hacked off now :(

That's absolutely ridiculous?!

I would write to the chair of governors and ask if the governing body can look into getting it changed.

I would go to your GP for a referral back to CAMHS. I have not found our school to be supportive with this sort of thing.

Scotland, so no board of governors or anything. Yes, think we will need to go back to GP but as he was previously referred by primary school I wasn't really sure of the protocol.

That is dreadful. Did you ask if they could set up a group for boys?

If that is their attitude though, I think I would try and get the CAHMS referral.

To be honest leeds I was a bit gobsmacked and at one point they brought my son into the meeting and it ran on to over an hour and I was late for work so I didn't really digest everything until I thought about it after the weekend.

It might be worth suggesting it to them. It may be that they just haven't thought about it.

I would've been gobsmacked too!

It was with the head of pupil support for his year and he basically started to tell me about this group and then said that as it had only been girls, they decided to make it a girls group with a female teacher etc. he then went and pulled my son from his class to chat and then repeated back to him the strategies that I'd already mentioned that we'd tried and that weren't really working. he said to my son that they sounded like a good idea and basically put the ball back in his court. Don't get me wrong, I know and he knows that it isn't something that someone can fix for him, he needs to break out of his comfort zone in order to achieve any results, but I am annoyed that it took nearly a month to get the appointment and it's all been a waste of time. :(

It just feels funny contacting the GP for what to many would be seen as a trivial problem. But it isn't trivial to him and is making him unhappy and affecting his teenage years. If he gets to adulthood without learning how to speak to people and make friends it's going to affect his life quite drastically.

It's not trivial. Does he have any special interests? My friends son found a lot of solace at a Dungeons and Dragons club run by the local model shop. He found like-minded friends there. Quiet boys who loved fantasy like him and who were gentle and not into the usual sports and stuff.

And what about him joining rangers or something?

He's been in Scouts since age 6 and also does life saving and has done every activity known to man. He is also currently volunteering with Beavers as part of his DofE. To be fair to him he will try everything no matter how awkward he feels and looks.

If someone speaks to him he can answer but then waits again for them to ask another question - we've tried helping him with conversations and it is hard going and he doesn't really get it. He gets extremely anxious but can up to a point speak aloud (a bare minimum) when required.

He has a group at school that he hangs about with but he's like to be able to do things with them out of school. he thinks they are all playing on line together and he doesn't know what they are playing, where and when and wont ask.

When he first went to High school they were all playing Minecraft and he was on with them chatting away etc - they have clearly moved on and he is feeling lost and basically sitting by himself on his PC.

Do you do social stories with him? from what I have heard they're very useful....

Why don't you ask some of the other boy's parents what they're playing? Do you ever see them?

Thanks Clap, I've never heard of those - i'll need to have a google.

I don't see the other boys' parents - we don't live in the same town as his school and I don't know them at all.

That is disgusting. I really don't have any advice re the school other than get him the hell out of there but please continue to help your boy.

I had extremely low self esteem/confidence and anxiety in high school which went untreated. My life is still plagued by it now as an adult. Its not trivial, it can be soul destroying.

You sound like a good careing mum. Keep pushing for help X

I think a girls' group like that is a really good idea but there should also be a boys' one. Both boys and girls at that age will speak more freely without the opposite gender there but both need provision.

School's policy is deeply, deeply sexist for a start. It does need addressing with more proactivity by the school - as social anxiety unaddressed is crippling both now and in later life. He needs what ClapHands suggested re peer group activities. Then a support group for boys also: and this book was great for a friend with a timid teen: www.amazon.com/Helping-Anxious-Child-Step---Step/dp/1572245751/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1412693032&sr=1-1&keywords=the+anxious+child

Best of luck and you sound so lovely/supportive, he is lucky to have you fighting his corner.

If you post on Special Needs OP there's a lot of parents there with kids who aren't diagnosed with a specific social issue but who struggle and they will have a LOT of help and advice for you as well as understanding. xxx Social stories are fantastic if you can't find what you need come back and ask and I'll find you some.

That is utter pants, I can see the logic for separate but equal provision. I'd be writing a very polite letter saying what a good idea the group sounds but point out that it is inequitable and discriminatory not to have the same provision for boys. Hope he gets the help he needs soon.

Thank you all for your help, advice, kind words and understanding.

I think we all just want everything to be perfect for our children and it hurts so much when you see them struggling.

I think I will write in, I really don't think it's deliberate, they just don't think. It's a very academic state school and the focus tends to be on results rather than where it should be which is turning out effective, functioning, happy members of society.

The best results in the world won't be of any use to him if he can't cope in interviews, form relationships and have a social connection with people.

I'll definitely look into the resource you've suggested Clap and I'll let you know if I'm struggling, thank you again.