AIBU to be really annoyed with my MIL’s selfishness? (Beware MIL Rant!)

[DogOnALeash]

My SIL is currently going through a really bad stage of depression and feeling very suicidal on some days, and whilst it is annoying that she isn’t really doing much regarding seeking help for it – other than being prescribed AD for it – my MIL is not being very helpful at all.

Initially her reaction was that she was attention seeking and that she should just “grow up”, MIL is not the best person at dealing with emotions and prefers to just push them all to the side and not deal with them. But all SIL wants (as she has constantly mentioned this to DH) that she just wants some comfort and understanding from her mother.

Well this weekend MIL has been out to visit us and SIL has had another set back – new boyfriend had “cheated” on her due to a massive miscommunication – and she’s an emotional wreck. She has Skyped MIL to talk, but other than love and comfort the only advice she gave her came across as very patronizing – you wonder why she needs to ‘grow up’!! – therefor SIL just hung up on MIL. We told MIL to ring her back as she obviously needs to just get things off her chest and we got a very annoyed/dirty look thrown back to us and “She always manages to ruin my holidays!” before begrudgingly calling SIL back.

I can only cringe and get frustrated with the lack of support/help she is giving her daughter and it’s made this visit very awkward indeed. Whilst I can understand that MIL is upset that SIL somehow “always” manages to ruin her holidays (only 2 that I can think of tbh!!) I still think that maybe she is not being anywhere near supportive enough at a time when your daughter is in need.

We recently moved country so have not been able to help as much as we would like to, and whilst we aren’t particularly close to her we’ve been the most supportive to her out of all friends and family since this all began. I don’t really know what to do, I’m not sure SIL would talk to me as I’ve always felt that she sees me as the ‘evil woman who took her brother away’ but her family are so emotionally insensitive it’s heartbreaking to see her go through this without people around her having a clue how to deal with the situation in hand….

(I am expecting to be flamed and I do understand that some people just don’t know what to do in certain emotional situations but when someone is in need surely you would shove all that to the side and step up to the plate?)

Other than be as supportive as you can be, there is not a lot you can do.

You cannot control others behaviour, only your own.

Not excusing your mils behaviour (she actually sounds quite callous) but two things spring to mind, one is that she prob knows her daughter quite well, and maybe she has a different perspective on it to you? Just clutching straws, but sometimes people with depression can be quite demanding and maybe there's an element of their relationship that you haven't seen? As you say you live in a different country, maybe mil has been providing support to her dd at home, but when she's on hols she feels like she deserves a break from it all? As I say not excusing but maybe a reason why she reacted as she did?
Secondly, it could just be a cultural/generational thing? I have extended family that I know because of their upbringing would take a very dim view of depression and mental illness. I would expect similar from them along the lines of people 'pulling themselves together' and 'growing up', because as you say, some people are uncomfortable with emotions and have no concept of dealing with them?
Sorry, prob not much useful advice, I can see why you're frustrated, just trying to help you see that your mil prob isn't evil, it's hard when family members are struggling and not everyone is good in these situations?

I do agree that your MIL sounds insensitive, but to be honest, part of your post also sounded insensitive to me: it is annoying that she isn’t really doing much regarding seeking help for it – other than being prescribed AD for it

I see this kind of thing a lot on threads about depression, and it always strikes me that the person saying it obviously has absolutely no idea how debilitating real depression is. If your SIL is as ill as you say, if she's suicidal, getting to the stage of being on ADs may be all she can cope with at the moment. Expecting someone who is so depressed to sort out therapy (when it's often bloody hard to get an NHS GP refer you or indeed do anything other than hand our pills), or arrange CBT, or get out more and do some exercise is about as reasonable as expecting someone with a broken leg to walk to A&E for treatment. When you're so depressed, you often simply don't have the capacity to seek help... Getting out of bed is sometimes impossible, let alone picking up the phone and arranging appropriate treatment.

Even if you have been depressed before and recognise the symptoms, it can be difficult to get help. You hope it might be a temporary blip, and get better on its own. You don't want to bother the GP again, you worry about time off work, and r stigma, and people getting sick of you being depressed. You have a lot of negative lights that you can't get rid off, which get in the way of asking for help. You know you're nit feeling as bad as you have felt in the past, so you try to pretend you're ok. So you try to soldier on, and it's actually the worst thing you can do. I appreciate it must be hard to watch as a family member or spouse, because you feel like the depressed person should have sorted themselves out as soon as the depression started seeping back, but it's not that simple. I'm not excusing the 'head in the sand' attitude, just trying to explain it. Sorry to derail.

I have sympathy for both tbh.

Obv if SIL is ill, she's likely not just attention seeking.

But by that token any advice from MIL would probably therefore be wrong!

It could be that MIL just doesn't know what to do/say anymore.

And depending on your SIL's history, she might be sick of dramas regarding boyfriends.

So many typos! Negative lights should have been negative thoughts.... I think the rest is comprehensible though.

You sound over-involved, OP, especially as someone who is not close to the depressed SIL, and is living abroad, anyway. Continue to offer support, and encourage your SIL to seek out other sources of support, but stop telling your mil how to treat her daughter, and don't get involved in familial drama.

Obviously you know the circumstances best, but it can be very difficult to try to help a depressed person who appears (because of his/her condition) to be incapable or unwilling of helping themselves - if this is a longterm condition, perhaps your mil is simply exhausted from the situation and snapped on what she thought would be a peaceful holiday abroad?

Maybe your mil is just sick of the drama tbh, another 'cheating' bf. she knows your SIL best and maybe it's just too emotionally draining and she's had years of this, it's extremely tough on those who are relied on to support people with depression.
If your SIL isn't doing much else to get more help it's easy to get frustrated with her.

You simply don't know enough being in another country to judge how your mil is treating this situation.

Another side could be that coming to terms with having a mother who doesn't really care or support you is the reason why SIL is struggling with depression. Maybe SIL needs to find others to lean on so that she can protect herself from her mother. I say this as someone whose mum said she'd ring me back when I was at my lowest because her neighbour had popped round for a cuppa and then I didn't hear from her again for a month.

Wow so many responses already it takes a bit to catch up. I knew I would hit a nerve touching on the depression subject.

I am sorry I didn't quite elaborate on the annoyed that she doesn't help herself - I do completely understand that it takes a lot just to get out of bed when you're depressed so getting yourself help is a big step but for someone who is constantly
saying she needs help - when help is presented to her she doesn't accept. She has been referred multiple times and she has rejected each time so she has been "put to the end of the list" so to speak.
I tried not to become over-involved but when she is constantly telling DH that she feels suicidal and he is asking me what he should do it's very hard not to. I do feel for her I really do and just because her and I aren't very close it doesn't mean I don't care enough about her to do everything in my power to help her. I've offered to pay for DH to fly home to be with her multiple times.

MIL is not evil and I do believe it is a generation thing, she is not old but she does have a very old fashioned view of the world.
I have a feeling that you are right liverpoollou and that she's crying out for comfort from her mother because she's never received the type of comfort she has really craved. MIL is the same at home unfortunately we are constantly ringing her for updates and all she says is "I haven't talked to her"

It's just a tough place to be so I was just hoping not the be the only one to have been annoyed/frustrated with MIL. I do love this family dearly and it upsets me that DH is getting so upset over the situation.

Oh and it's only been going on for about 2 months so it's not like it's going on for years

It might not be that MIL doesn't care, just that she doesn't know how to show it.

What Liverpoollou said.

I have seen this book recommended on here before, but have yet to read it.

But I don't know how you could suggest a book like this without there being a stooshie

Trust me, I get it. I was depressed, on and off ADs, self harming and suffered with very disordered eating for years. My mum's take on it? "Just stop it".

My aunt (her sister) is depressed, agoraphobic and has chronic fatigue syndrome, which my mother views as "self-indulgent and lazy", so they barely speak to each other.

I feel for your SIL, I know what it's like to have a very nice but very emotionally stunted mother. You SIL needs to take it a day at a time, do what she can when she can, view the small stuff as a victory and learn that people negatively impact her recovery have no place in her life right now.

I do appreciate your input ladies :)

I do feel like I'm wading in on other peoples family problems and it is such a difficult subject to comment on.

I think I just needed a bit of a rant