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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

...to think that my brother should pay some rent to my parents?

20 replies

Nessalina · 06/10/2014 08:28

My younger brother has just turned 30, and having broken up with his GF that he'd been living with, he's moved back in with our folks because he couldn't afford to keep their rental flat on his own.

My parents are retired and are comfortably off, with a lot of savings but not a great deal of income because they're not getting state pension yet, just a little private pension and some money from work my Dad does, I reckon around £10k pa. So they're eating into savings for day to day living.

My brother has not offered to pay rent, and they haven't asked. He has a big double bedroom, run of the house of course, Sky, internet etc. Plus his laundry done, and any meals he wants to eat with my folks (if he's in).

He moved in back in 6 months ago and originally he was going to be getting a place with a mate, but now he's decided to stay put and drop a day at work so he can take a college course which he's just enrolled on and paid upfront for. So he'll be there another year at least.

Now I don't know exactly what he earns, but now he's gone to 4 days I think it's at least £14k. That's about £1000 a month in his account. Now other than a mobile phone contract he has literally no other outgoings, so surely it would be fair for him to pay some rent to my folks?

TBH I wouldn't mind so much, but he's so ungrateful about it! He grumps about the place, his room is a pigsty, he bitches when they ask him to wash up after meals, and he often gripes about the food. If I was in his situation I'd be helping out all I could and thanking my lucky stars every day!! He's always been a bit difficult, and my mum & dad just seem to let him get away with it...

I know that it's not really any of my business how they choose to interact, and my parents should look out for themselves, but it riles me.

Should I say something to them? To him? Or just butt out?!

(Sorry it's long, didn't want to drip feed!)

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 06/10/2014 08:31

No, honestly just butt out.

It maybe annoying to you, but your parents are grown ups and I'm sure they can speak for themselves should they wish to.

Nessalina · 06/10/2014 09:01

Short & sweet Grin
It's made me feel a bit better just writing it down to be honest.
Unfairness just sets my teeth on edge.

OP posts:
Charitybelle · 06/10/2014 09:05

Depends on your relationship with your bro. If you think you can I'd have a quiet word with him and make it clear he should prob be contributing in some way?
My dh and I lived with my mil for several months whilst renovating a house. She's very well off and didn't want to take any rent off us, so we found other ways to contribute, e.g, buying a load of shopping, the odd bunch of flowers, taking her out for lunch/dinner occasionally. I can understand your parents wanting to help him out, but as a grown adult he should recognise that its appropriate to be grateful and help in other ways (even if it's just cleaning/helping out with house maintenance etc).
However I wouldn't talk to your parents. They're obvs aware of the situation and if they haven't asked your bro for money, it's up to them. It will make you look interfering and will possibly only make them feel bad about the whole situation if get think it will cause family tension.
But agree YABU to be annoyed at your bro, he is being very immature. Maybe a sisterly guilt trip will set him straight?

Charitybelle · 06/10/2014 09:06

Sorry YANBU! Typo!

Only1scoop · 06/10/2014 09:06

He sounds like a bit of a taker....up to your parents to ask him for rent now he's going to be there longer.

alemci · 06/10/2014 09:07

I think i would say something to him. make a joke when he moans to you about living in a hotel.

more fool your mum? doing his washing.

why would an adult who earns a salary think it is ok to sponge like this

Chandon · 06/10/2014 09:08

it is between them and him.

They probably get some pleasure from looking after him, his company.

It's nothing to do with you!

ElephantsNeverForgive · 06/10/2014 09:10

Yes he should, DDs does (no idea how much) and I see her splitting grocery bills with DM

Can you say anything. Depends totally on your relationship with them. I could. DH didn't ask DMIL if his DSIS paid rent on his Gran's old house as his DSIS is a private sort and we'd had money for our second house.

The whole business of adult DCs and finances can get very complicated.

Preciousbane · 06/10/2014 09:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Only1scoop · 06/10/2014 09:13

Why on earth are they doing a 30 year old mans washing and cooking....blimey

NotMNRoyalty · 06/10/2014 09:18

Yanbu - you could mention it but it depends on your relationship. I'd tease my brother about it if he were in the same situation but he wouldn't mind.
Does he buy any of the food or do other chores?

Aussiemum78 · 06/10/2014 09:19

God, his ex gf had a lucky escape there!

I wouldn't be able to help myself, I'd be pulling him up every time he gripes.

"you could always go pay rent if washing up is so unpleasant"
"don't whinging about the food, if you don't like it, you should cook!"
"what are you, 12?"

Bouttimeforwine · 06/10/2014 09:21

aussie has the answer

Nessalina · 06/10/2014 09:23

No, he doesn't do any shopping or any chores (other than washing up after dinner occasionally and grudgingly).
The other night when mum asked him to wash up he was like 'ugh, but I've been at WORK all day', and I so wanted to say, 'yes, not that it's been of any benefit to your parents, who have however cooked you a lovely meal!' Confused
We don't get much chance to talk really, so don't know how I could approach it with him...

OP posts:
Nessalina · 06/10/2014 09:25

Sorry, X-post. I don't live locally, I'm just visiting for the weekend, so I'm not really in a position to wear him down with sniping.

OP posts:
londonrach · 06/10/2014 09:26

Yes he should but its not your responsibility or problem. Its up to your parents to charge their son rent. Depends on your relationship with your parents and brother if you can mention it. Tbh id let it go.

MrsPiggie · 06/10/2014 09:26

yabu, he shouldn't pay rent, he should move out and start living like a grown-up. I feel your frustration, my DB (married, good job, home of his own) used to come and expect lunch and dinner at my mum's because his wife didn't cook (!). He would then abuse my DM because he didn't like the food. And she enabled him. Nothing I could do, of course.

Bigoldsupermoon · 06/10/2014 09:27

YANBU, OP, but probably best not to say something unless you're 100% sure your parents want to but don't feel able to.

Your brother sounds to me like a complete piss-taker to me. But parents have massively varying takes on whether rent is appropriate, don't they? And if there's one thing guaranteed to cause a family bust-up, it's siblings + parents + money + unfairness!

Maybe bite your tongue about the rent issue and just refuse to put up with your brother's man-childish whining next time he has a moan about how he doesn't like what Mummy made him for din-dins Wink

BumpNGrind · 06/10/2014 09:46

My DH and I had to live apart for a while after the sale of our house fell through. DH lived with PIL and paid rent and contributed to chores, but it never seemed enough to SIL who constantly butted in, told PIL that they should increase the rent (to an amount more than her mortgage) and he also then chipped in on providing her free childcare a few times a week.

There's a line, and although it doesn't sound like you've crossed it yet, be careful not to spend your life constantly looking at what 'benefits' your DB is getting. It's not always easy to live at home as an adult and people do slip into old roles out of habit, that's their business and not yours.

Hoppinggreen · 06/10/2014 09:52

I probably wouldn't sit him down for a " talk" but I would respond to any comments or complaints he made in front of me

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