To wonder why friends never seem to want to listen to me?

[tillytomandtinee]

I always end up being the listener whilst the other person goes on and on about themselves. If I get a word in edgeways then I am not listened to at all, it's just a case of the other person jumping in as soon as they can with whatever else they want to say. Friends never remember anything I tell them. I will tell them something important about my life and they'll just forget, or ask a question later on in the same conversation which indicates that they don't listen to a word I say. And yet, they all seem to hang on to other peoples' every word, and my friends all have plenty of stories to tell me about things that other people have told them, so they do listen to others, just not to me.

I went out yesterday evening with three friends and I realised that during the whole evening no one asked anything about me, nor did any of them listen to anything that I said. In fact, I barely got to say anything at all. No one respects my opinion or what I have to say. The conversation went around the other three one by one, with them all asking each other things about recent events. Not one of them remembered that my grandfather's funeral was last week. When I mentioned it at the meal they'd all forgotten that I'd told them he'd died!

What is the secret of actually being listened to?

Let them know you are pissed off.

I bet you just smile and nod, smile and nod.

Tell them. They probably think you are fine.

Yes I do smile and nod.....

I am not good at confrontation. How could I broach the subject without being thought of as causing trouble?

It happens all the time whenever I chat to people.

I think you could probably say that you felt upset when it seemed they had forgotten your GF had died without it causing confrontation.

It does seem like your friends aren't aware that you're not getting your fair share of the conversation floor.

Maybe you'd find meeting your friends on a one to one basis for a while helpful as you'd probably get more air time. A chance for them to get to know you and what's going on in your life again so that they'd have something to ask you about when you do meet up again in group settings.

I think it didn't help that one of the group of friends is very self absorbed and very dominating; everything has to be about her

Pick better friends. I think they sound very self absorbed and thoughtless of your feelings.

Can you avoid the dominating one?

It's difficult to avoid her as she's very much part of the group...

The others absolutely hang on every word she says, and ask her question after question, yet don't listen to me at all.

I have a friend like this. She goes on and on about herself (usually self pity) as if she's the only one who has problems. She's always been the same. So I've made a new set of friends, who I get on really well with and we are on the same wave length. I still see the other friend but not as much and I find it doesn't annoy me quite as much.

If there are other members of the group you like could you meet up with them away from the group?

It doesn't sound like you're enjoying the time you spend with the group so why do you keep going? Have you got friends outside of this group you could arrange to see instead?

Oh I had a similar experience! One woman dominated the evening with her shit. She never asked anyone else much...and me...nothing at all! the other women around the table (bar me) had MUCH worse issues in their lives. Some people are insufferable. I won't be going out with this woman again.

Do you like them? I mean as people, do you think they're nice, kind, funny people who you enjoy the company of?

I was going to write a similar post last month after an awful night out with a group of friends. No one seemed interested in me at all and it really got me down. But I have since been out with different friends and had a lovely time so realise it's not me. It's just this first group and I'm not intending to see them as a group again.

Another thing that is really upsetting me at the moment is a friend who is always 'down' with me, but always happy and smiling with other people. I'll see her at the school, she'll be chatting away with people animatedly and laughing away, then see me and chat to me and be miserable. She can never raise a smile when she sees me. Perhaps I've made the mistake of listening to too many of her problems?

I have a similar problem in that when I might be telling friends about something, my DH interrupts with some irrelevant detail or joke to get the attention back to him. He is a self absorbed twit like your friends. I have started saying "Do you mind? I would like to finish what I was saying'. The problem is, of course, that our friends then think it is me who is the awkward one. I sometimes say nothing and just let him get on with his ego trip. He rarely says anything worth listening to because it is usually jokey innuendo. If I want to talk to friends, I see them without him present. Maybe you could drop your over chatty friends or see them in a smaller setting or even one to one.

MIllyMollyMama are you Judy, married to Richard?

OP as another poster asked do you actually like these people? if not, then don't feel bad about withdrawing from the group and spending time with other people.

If you do like them and think it's worth ironing out then it doesn't have to be confrontational. Also, I think the self-absorbed lady is a red herring as you say my friends all have plenty of stories to tell me about things that other people have told them, so they do listen to others, just not to me so I suspect if she was taken out of the equation then the same thing would happen.

Does this happen with just this one group of friends or with others as well?

I think when you meet in a group -say 5+ - then it does turn into a bit of a free for all and you just have to seize a gap in conversation. Smaller groups generally have more natural lulls in conversation so everyone gets a turn without having to "jump in". I think it depends very much on group size and location how these things pan out - it's not necessarily that you (or anyone else) is doing anything "wrong" but maybe these situations are a good/bad fit for different people.

Does it happen if you meet two friends for a coffee?

I had a 'friend' like this. I've recently cut her off as her constant drama and lack of interest in anything I have to say was exhausting. It may seem harsh but she literally used to just talk at me on oir meet-ups. She never asked anything about me and remembered nothing she was told if it didn't directly affect her.

Like PP said, if you genuinely like them it might be time to speak up. Otherwise, cut them off.

Spindarella. Funny you should say that!!! No. However DH and I had a fantastic lunch at a beautiful hotel in Cornwall a couple of years ago and who should be sitting next to us but Richard and Judy. During the hour or so we were close to the said couple we heard nothing but Richard - talking loudly and laughing quite a lot. All their family issues, work issues, invitations out, name dropping , etcetera were part of his monologue. My DH was uncharacteristically quiet as he was mesmerised by the saga of Richard's life. Judy said "yes" or "no" at about 10 minute intervals! No wonder she looked worn out!

I think one of two things is happening. Either you have really self-centred friends who don't listen to you, talk about themselves all the time and are emotional leeches. It happens.

But reading your posts I wondered if it's possible that you aren't listening to them either. You talk about how they go on about themselves while you smile, nod and wait until you can get a word in edgeways. Is it possible you've got into the habit of tuning them out rather than actually engaging? If so, that static can kind of go two ways.

The secret of being listened to is not to be so desperate to get a word in. Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear.