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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To really not understand why some women put up with men like this?

24 replies

extremepie · 05/10/2014 20:16

Recently 2 friends of a friend have has a baby, congrats to them! Was having a conversation about the baby and I was under the impression it was his first, turns out he had 3 other kids (2 mothers) who he doesn't see! I'm struggling to get why his current gf would have another baby with him, given this fact?

Ok it's very likely that he hasn't told her the full story or had embellished it somewhat but I just can't imagine what excuse he could come up with that would make a new potential partner think 'oh, he doesn't see or pay for the kids he has but it's different this time?'

It's a shame, I used to think he was a nice guy but now my opinion of him has dropped waaaay down :(

I admit my view is probably also coloured by the fact my exH's new gf has been putting marriage stuff all over her FB and it just makes me think why? He doesn't see or pay for his kids either and yet after 6 months she seems really keen on marrying him?!

Probably just bitter aren't I?

OP posts:

jellybelly701 · 05/10/2014 20:24

It might not be as simple as you think. Do you know why he doesn't see his kids? For all you know that might be totally down to the mother.

I know there are a lot of men out there that do not see their children through choice of their own, but equally, there are many women out there who will happily deny the father the right of contact.

gentlehoney · 05/10/2014 20:26

Sometimes one parent makes it so difficult for the other to see the child they have no choice but to step back.
You don't know the circumstances, and presumably his girlfriend does.

CatKisser · 05/10/2014 20:30

I don;t think you're bitter. It'd make me think too. But I guess in this situation we don't know all the facts.
In my shitty hometown there is a particular man, very good looking and charismatic but notoriously into cocaine. No exaggeration, he has 7 children I know of by 5 different woman and I'd bet more. He gets with women, impregnates them then fucks off. Why the women think it'll be different for them I will NEVER know.

Original poster

extremepie · 05/10/2014 20:40

No, tbf I don't know the circumstances but I find it odd that 2 different women would completely refuse to allow him access, and that also wouldn't stop him from paying maintainence if he did really care.

In my ex's case he just can't be arsed and everything else takes priority over the kids, told him on the phone today that I can't bring the kids to see him at Christmas (see my other thread), he didn't even offer to come down and see them, he only wants to see them if it's convenient for him and causes him the minimum of hassle. He even said he wouldn't be giving them christmas presents if I didn't take them to him because he can't send them! Think he's made me a suspicious person :(

OP posts:

kentishgirl · 05/10/2014 20:42

He'd have to have been bloody unlucky to have kids with 2 separate women who both happen to be complete bitches who prevent access for no good reason.

NewToTheOffice · 05/10/2014 20:42

Yabu

Im sorry about the trouble you are having with your exh.

There are many different reasons why men and women are absent from their childrens lives. People automatically assume the father doesnt want to know, but this is not always the case.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 05/10/2014 20:54

I feel the same about my ex-husband. He has two women, I.e me and the woman he went on to have a daughter with who both say all the same things about him and also he pays no maintenance and rarely sees his children (his choice) Yet his gf has chosen to have a baby with him even though she herself has three kids with two different men so has prior experience of twats. Women like that hear what they want to hear and always think they will be the one to change them even when the evidence is screaming at them.

LadyLuck10 · 05/10/2014 20:57

Yanbu , a parent who wants to see his/ her kids will do anything to do so. I just don't understand women like this, but then again I think they are exactly like the men they choose.

Original poster

extremepie · 05/10/2014 20:58

That was my thought Kentish :/

I know there are all sorts of reasons why someone might not be in their kids lives but I'm just having a hard time thinking of what sort of excuses, as a new partner, someone could come up with to make me think it was ok.

I man I know had his son, who has SN, taken into care because his gf was an alcoholic and he fought so hard for 2 years to get him back and he eventually did. When I see the huge effort he put in, all the hoops he had to jump through to be able to be with his son, even just to visit him before he lived with him again it's hard to see others not doing the same I guess :(

OP posts:

jellybelly701 · 05/10/2014 20:58

extreme I will give you the example of my step dad he had 3 children by two different women previous to having a fourth with my mum. The mother of the first left him for another man whilst pregnant he had no idea where she was or if she had even had the baby safely. When the child was about 1 and he finally located her she told him that she would make his child hate him if he insisted on a relationship. She gave him a copy of the birth certificate So he left her to it. He paid no money and had no contact. That didn't mean he didn't care. I would catch him very day looking at a photo and wiping away a tear. Thankfully since his child became old enough to get in contact themself they have a lovely relationship.

His other two childrens mother is 'unhinged' to say the least. She made his life hell and used to call the police on him on him regularly when she was drunk. He did nothing wrong, he is genuinely a very good, caring man. When they finally broke up she refused to let him see the children. But did allow phone calls once or twice a year. Its breaks his heart not to see them and grasps to the hope that one day they will come and find him and know he isn't the horrible monster their mother makes him out to be.

He has been with my mum for almost 17 years and has been nothing less than the perfect partner and father to my sister.

jellybelly701 · 05/10/2014 21:05

Also OP not everybody will be happy to divulge such personal information to people. Not seeing your children is upsetting and painful. Sometimes just to avoid an upsetting conversation its easier to let people draw their own conclusions as to why they don't see their kids. Its just a shame that most peoples first thought is that the father simply doesn't care.

Original poster

extremepie · 05/10/2014 21:06

Jelly, that is great your stepdad was so good to you and your mum, it's a shame his Ex's behaved that way :(

I just do think in general it is too 'easy' for men to just walk away and absolve all responsibility. Doesn't necessarily mean that they don't care, I know my ex loves his children but sometimes love just isn't enough on its own.

OP posts:

NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/10/2014 21:07

Yanbu.

And anybody these days who uses the excuse "my ex won't let me" is actively making a choice not to. The courts are so geared towards contact that something would have to be seriously wrong for no contact to be ordered.its an excuse and not a very good one.

LeftRightCentre · 05/10/2014 21:10

I never understood why a person who is childfree would go out with a person who has a string of kids by different women/men, much less procreate with them.

jellybelly701 · 05/10/2014 21:12

I agree, some men do find it easy to just walk away. But equally some women find it to easy to 'ban' contact. Both are as bad as each other IMO.

I'm sorry your ex is such an ass

Original poster

extremepie · 05/10/2014 21:12

Well, yeah I'm sure the friend in question doesn't go around divulging all the ins and outs of their past relationships to all and sundry and I'm sure his gf knows more than I will ever know but like I said unfortunately I think my own experiences are colouring my judgement sadly :(

Also, in my experience (unrelated to ex), men who no longer see their children are quite quick to at least give a brief idea as to why - I've heard numerous blokes say things like 'I don't see my kids because my ex won't let me' or 'I don't see them because she moved away' etc.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 05/10/2014 21:14

OP, YANBU

blokes who have a history of "uncooperative exes" and not seeing their children are full of shit

the end

milkpudding · 05/10/2014 22:06

Yanbu.

A friend is thinking of having a baby with her dp, yet says that he probably wouldn't bother to have much to do with his kids from his ex s (plural) if she (my friend) didn't push him to see them, make the arrangements herself etc.

Really? Maybe he will be different with this one, maybe not, either way I would find it hard to respect him.

I think some women will unfortunately think "you can't help who you fall in love with". That is what my friend said when I expressed my reservations about him.

PartPixie · 05/10/2014 22:14

YANBU in worrying about your friend about how this will turn out but YABU in assuming that he is lying or that there isn't good reason for this. I appreciate that I've very well could be but you are wrong to judge and think badly of him until you know the whole story

OwlinaTree · 05/10/2014 22:20

She loves him and wants a family presumably.

simontowers2 · 05/10/2014 22:25

YANBU. I'd give it 2 years before he has fucked off to find his next victim.

UncleT · 06/10/2014 07:41

You clearly must know far less about it all than she does, but despite this you've already decided that whatever he's told her must be 'excuses' or some other complete load of old cobblers. It does seem a tad judgemental and bitter, yes. YABU.

CheeseToastie123 · 06/10/2014 08:37

My idiot brother is onto third child with third woman. I've never even met the second (4 years old). (I did try to keep in touch with the mother, but as my idiot brother cheated on her, I don't blame her for distancing herself). He doesn't see them because, basically, it got difficult and he's a coward. It boils my piss.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 06/10/2014 14:06

Yup. According to my stbx, I make it very difficult for him to see the dcs. He was an aggressive abusive parent to them and I won't let him see them unsupervised or in my home. Which means a public place and somewhere that he actually has to "engage"with them rather than sitting on his arse demanding a drink and alternating between ignoring them and shouting at them.

Mean old difficult me.

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