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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my son has been kidnapped and an alien left in his place????

26 replies

PrettyPictures92 · 05/10/2014 19:14

My ds is 3yo, normally an absolutely lovely, sweet, caring and affectionate little boy who is full of nothing but smiles and laughs 99% of the time. Never went through the dreaded terrible twos like his dsis, never caused any sorts of problems.

The past month has been a nightmare though. He's in the middle of waiting to be seen by a physiotherapist to determine if he's got a condition called hypermobility, basically causes him some problems with walking, he's super flexible and he's having pain in his legs. It also means that he refuses point blank to walk anywhere as his legs hurt after more than five minutes (not sure how much of it is him being lazy and him genuinely being in pain). If I try and make him walk he throws himself down on the ground and nothing will make him move (and I've tried absolutely everything from bribery and cajoling, threats of going home to bed and not getting to do what he wants etc). He won't even play in the park!

The sheer volume of his screams and the tears he's crying while flinging himself on the pavement when trying to get him to nursery/home/shopping has me exhausted and dreading going out (as well as really nasty looks from others when I refuse to carry him because he needs to walk in order to help him get any better).

And then there's the matter of him suddenly hating nursery when normally he loves it, full on screaming matches whenever I try to leave him there, the nursery staff have to literally tear him out my arms as he's holding on so tight (and I agree with them that it's best not for me to hang about, he only gets worse and refuses to settle but as soon as I'm away he calms right down and spends a happy couple hours there).

He's become a screaming constantly sort of child, for every little thing. If I turn the telly off because he's sat and watched it most of the morning (he doesn't watch TV all day btw, only for a couple hours in the morning/before bed) when I tidy his room up and ask him to help, when I tell him he can't have something to eat because I'm making dinner (and don't get me started on him refusing to eat breakfast and lunch and screaming instead for fruit/yogurt/crisps), if his sister goes anywhere near him (which is heartbreaking as there's only 18 months between them and they were so close! She's 4 going on 5 end of this year), or if I try to do something by myself (like go to the toilet, full scale meltdown over that one today).

And suddenly he's started hating baths!!! He used to love them, now he screams like he's being murdered and I swear someone is going to think I'm trying to drown him because of it. I've not been able to wash him properly in over a week because he's constantly desperately trying to get out of the bath and nothing I say or do will calm him down.

He wants to be around me constantly too, being held and cuddled and if I try and put him down he cries so hard he's in hysterics and almost throwing up.

The doctor couldn't find anything wrong with him, couldn't offer any explanation for his behaviour, nothing in his life has changed dramatically and I'm at the end of my tether now. I'm beginning to hate being around my son and the guilt is making it even worse to deal with.

My dd was a nightmare at 2/3 in the trying to be incredibly independent/she was always right/tantrum if she didn't get her own way department but nothing like this.

He's been kidnapped by aliens hasn't he? What do I do??? Beginning to dream of running away, there's not an hour that goes by without his screaming and I can't take it anymore. Single mum with no family or friends around either so can't even ask anyone for help here, normally I don't need to either but I can't take it now Sad

OP posts:
PrettyPictures92 · 05/10/2014 20:39

Bump, no advice anyone?

OP posts:
puntasticusername · 05/10/2014 20:40

I've no advice I'm afraid, but Thanks Thanks Thanks just to let you know you're not alone.

PrettyPictures92 · 05/10/2014 20:49

Thanks Punt, I guess there's not much advice anyone can give, it's just been a long hard month Sad

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puntasticusername · 05/10/2014 23:05

Sorry, I'm racking my brains wondering what else I can say to you, but I just can't think of much Sad

If he settles at nursery then that's a good sign. What do they think?

Sunnymeg · 07/10/2014 10:16

If he has hypermobility he will suffer more when going through a growth spurt. If he is in pain he will be clingly and miserable and the heat from a bath may make the pain worse. It must be very difficult for you to know what to doWine Wine

HerrenaHarridan · 07/10/2014 10:46

It may sound terribly obvious but are you dosing him up with calpol/brufen? When my dd was in constant pain (due to a different condition) I found her pain was managed fairly effectively with brufen in the am and calpol before bed. Sometimes more was required in the day but woe betide the days I tried to do without.

It doesn't sound to me like he's being naughty, it sounds he's not coping well. I don't know huge amounts about hyper mobility but I do know some about Physio related stuff and am having a similar sore/lazy debate re my dd. I find shorts bursts of rest and excretion continued to build up her muscles and prevent her joints from seizing.

We manage it by giving her short carries ie, we set off with her walking and when she asks to be carried I point to a close by land mark and tell when we get there I'll carry her.
Once im carrying her we/I will set a new point at which she walks again.
And repeat as necessary. She's usually quite keen to get down again

The clinginess is very likely due to being in pain and not understanding why. It's scary for a kid. Before my dds surgery she didn't want to leave my side for 3 months, not even to be with her beloved nana. This from a kid who never used to bother saying goodbye when dropped off in a crèche.

BlackeyedSusan · 07/10/2014 10:47

pushchair. sod the looks. it hurts. once you get physio sorted it will improve. are they doing more with him in nursery? he may have used up his ability to walk by the end of nursery.

HerrenaHarridan · 07/10/2014 10:48

Rest and excretion Grin

Should obviously read exertion

BlackeyedSusan · 07/10/2014 10:49

obviously herrena.

HerrenaHarridan · 07/10/2014 10:50
Blush
GummiberryJuice · 07/10/2014 10:50

Threenagers!

HerrenaHarridan · 07/10/2014 10:52

I would also second what Susan says about a push chair, at least for the way home. Sod what people think my dd will probably be using a pushchair until she physically won't fit as then she will need a wheelchair for distances.
I used to be a buggy judger now I know I was a dick

MrsQueen · 07/10/2014 10:58

I have hyper-mobility, and even as an adult sometimes I want to just lie down on the floor....

It's difficult to describe the level of pain and physical tiredness it causes. I often have to stop for teas and coffees I don't want just so I can sit somewhere comfy and warm for a while.

When it's bad (eg if I've overdone it), I also get very clingy. It took a while to work out that it's the tiredness plus being hugged sort of compresses my joints so makes me more comfortable for a while.

Honestly, give him painkillers, use a pushchair (make sure he's comfy in it - he may need extra cushions to hold him in the right place), and give him lots of cuddles and reassurance. I know it seems like 3 year old bad behaviour, but he's struggling to cope with a serious albeit hidden, disability.

Once he gets proper diagnosis the physio will really help!

Hexu2 · 07/10/2014 11:06

Sod the looks - take a pushchair he can jump in and out of as needed on way back from nursery - my perfectly normal older two had that option as I had a younger DC and sometimes they need a quick break. The younger one would occasionally want carrying when she started nursery - I'd have use a pushchair and stuck our bags in it but last one had broke and it wasn't worth buying another.

Cut down the number of baths - that won't hurt for a bit - if you have a shower try that - it might be a control thing so might appeal. I had two bath refuser's - they got over it. In one case it was hair washing - other case I think she was just being difficult - new bath toys worked there sometimes. Worse case quick wash down with hand cloth - for most of week would be fine.

It could be a case of the terrible twos coming later - they hit nearer 3 for my DS than my DD but it could be he's in pain with a growth spurt I don't know.

Hang in there - oh the sibling stuff mine are all close together in age but there have been times when they haven't gotten on at all. All you can do is keep tacking the nastiness but in our case 6 months down the line they'd be thick as thieves again.

WireCat · 07/10/2014 11:10

My son has hypermobility.
He was 5 in April. We were using a pushchair for him till August.
When he had done too much he would be in horrendous pain.
Can you get him a cheap buggy.
His tantrums will be because he can't communicate how much pain he's in.

If you want any advice or anything, inbox me.

theworldaccordingtome · 07/10/2014 14:26

I have hypermobility syndrome and sometimes I feel like throwing myself on the floor and screaming too. Overdoing it with the walking genuinely hurts. I hate pointless walking because of it (i.e. I could scream when someone suggests ah we'll just go for a nice walk and stop when we feel like it - no, I need an end point and purpose to deal with it!).
He needs to do some exercise, as doing none and in the future weight gain will exacerbate things.
Try to be patient, it is frustrating to be in pain and not be able to make it stop, while wanting to keep going. Nursery might be having that effect on him.
Mrs Queen - That is really very interesting about clinginess as an adult with hypermobility. I had never made that connection, but know I can be clingy when I am in pain. Thank you for the insight!

Hang in there x

theworldaccordingtome · 07/10/2014 14:54

I just had another thought that might be worth adding, I hope you don't mind.
I find being cold makes the pain an awful lot worse, has the weather gotten colder where you are in the last month? Also, could explain some of the clinginess if he has problems with circulation/regulation of body temperature. Hugs are after all warming.

PrettyPictures92 · 07/10/2014 20:23

Heya, thanks for all the replies! I hadn't noticed that there had been any.

Re the walking - the mention of even going outside has him crying and refusing to put his jacket/shoes on. I've tried lots of different games but I have to physically carry him outside and set him down but lately he's been refusing to even put his feet on the ground, he'll just throw himself down and refuse to stand up, screaming that his legs are sore/will get sore.

He's got a buggy that normally he is allowed to jump in and out as and when he needs to but the nursery started getting on at me for taking him in in it so I've been trying to make him walk to nursery (about 10 minute walk) in the very least but he just doesn't want to know. He used to get by with the leaf game/lamppost game/see if you can beat mummy to nursery game but not even they will work now.

He does get calpol in the afternoons (he seems to be fine in the early mornings, starts kicking off around 11ish) and I give him some before bed as well since he wakes in the middle of the night crying that his legs are sore.

I make sure he's as warm as possible when we go out, same as at night time too but I'm not sure how much it's really helping.

I think I could cope with everything else if he wasn't constantly screaming and crying. I love him so much but lately I've been wanting to get away. This morning he was screaming to the point of making himself sick from 10 until I gave him lunch and calpol at 11.30 (it started off as me asking him to help put the lego away, he said "I can't, my legs will get sore" so i told him that his legs were fine just now and he needed to get off his bum and help. Cue temper tantrum). Then screamed at the top of his lungs half way to nursery (making me carry him and attempt to put him down every few minutes). When I picked him up he had a tantrum about not being allowed chocolate (sends both kids absolutely haywire) and he didn't calm down until we got home and I stuck him in front of the tv so i could make dinner and help dd with her homework. Then he didn't like the dinner I made and refused to eat, then started screaming cause I refused to give him anything else (he wanted custard). And then didn't want to go to bed.

That's pretty much been our day every day for the past month. The longer it goes on the more stressed I get and the less I feel able to cope, I wake up and instead of going "new day new start" I kinda just go "I don't want to face my son today" and it feels awful, ended up crying to his nursery teacher about it. Felt quite pathetic afterwards too but she was lovely and understanding.

Sorry if this just seems like one big moan, I'm just exhausted and pushed over the edge atm

OP posts:
livelablove · 07/10/2014 20:32

Hi how about keeping him home a few days with no walking and regular Calpol and see if his behaviour improves? If he does you will know part of the problem is due to pain and you can work on managing it.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 07/10/2014 20:36

Poor little lad. Nursery sound less than helpful. Tell them to butt out about the pushchair. Are they trying to make him do too much at nursery?

I don't have hyper mobility but I have pain and fatigue issues. Your poor little lad sounds absolutely at the end of his rope with it. I hope you get some help soon.

ohtheholidays · 07/10/2014 20:43

Our little girl has hypermobility,she's the youngest of our 5DC she's 7 now she couldn't walk till she was nearly 3,our other 4DC all walked by the time they were 9 months old.

Our little girl suffered a lot of pain bless her.She has special insoles made for her shoes which have helped a lot and she now has physiotherapy at school as well which has helped a lot as well.

Our little one went into a pushchair as long as she wanted to.It can be dreadfully painful.

Our little one used to have heart breaking tantrums over walking,bearing in mind she is autistic as well.

But I bet a lot of parents would say the same about the problems with walking if they're child has hypermobility even without autism attached.

MrsQueen · 07/10/2014 21:31

You need to be clear with the nursery that you are waiting for a formal diagnosis, but in the meantime he will be using a buggy, and should not be expected to walk/stand much in the day.

I know it must be frustrating, and you really sound like you need a break.

Try to keep reminding yourself that he's not being difficult: he's in pain, he's exhausted, he's scared of the pain he can anticipate will come. If you possibly can, keep him home for a few days - lots of rest, reassurance and cuddles, and see which elements of his behaviour improve.

PrettyPictures92 · 08/10/2014 00:04

Heya, thank you everyone for the great advice on here. I think I've lost my head recently and it's been difficult to think straight because of it. And I think his behaviour in part may be my fault as I've started to get so stressed out all of the time that he's probably picked up on it too.

So starting from tomorrow - I'll take the buggy with me. He can walk if he feels up to it but if he doesn't then that's ok. He does walk when he wants to, he doesn't overeat or get too much junk and he'll be starting physio soon so hopefully he'll not suddenly start gaining lots of weight.

I think the less I force him into it the easier things will be. (I really really hope so anyway). It's horrible and heart breaking seeing him in pain, and I feel even worse knowing that I'm trying to push him into walking which will cause him pain too just to try and help but tbh I don't have a clue if it'll help and the nursery likely doesn't either.

The October hols start on this Monday coming so he'll have a week to rest and relax, hopefully that'll see an improvement.

And really, thank you all so much. We've been going in a vicious cycle of screaming and frustration and tears from both of us that I forgot to focus on the fact that maybe he's genuinely not doing it on purpose. So thank you, you may all have just saved my sanity and made things a bit easier for my ds Flowers

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notagainffffffffs · 08/10/2014 00:11

Sounds like my 2 year old :) nothing to add but you sound lovely x hang in there!

PrettyPictures92 · 08/10/2014 00:13

Thanks notagain :) it's been a hard wearing month. Had a good long cry tonight about it all and read all of the replies on here after, feeling a bit better now :)

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