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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think H should pay half for the babysitter

48 replies

Birra · 05/10/2014 01:52

We're separated, but still living in the same house
He has some friends in town so his night out was in the diary first.
Then I got an invite- I hardly ever go out, he's out 3-4 nights a week.
Should I ask him for half the £55 I just had to fork out?

OP posts:

formerbabe · 05/10/2014 18:04

Instead of paying £55 quid for a babysitter, I'd have got a taxi there and back and taken the kids...

purpleroses · 05/10/2014 18:06

You need to find a local teenager to sit a bit more cheaply than that. Or shorten your nights out a bit.

I don't think you can ask him to pay this time because you're the one that made a decision to go out second and to use a sitter.

But why not block out a night or two a week that are your nights out when he knows it's his turn to be in with the kids (or pay for a sitter) Do you have a plan for who'll have the kids when when he moves out? If so you could start following that rota already.

When my ex moved out at first he came and looked after the DCs at mine every Friday (DD was too little for overnights at first , still bf) It was lovely. I really enjoyed having a night a week that I knew was mine. I told my friends I was always free on a Friday and soon sorted out lots of nights out.

ChippingInLatteLover · 05/10/2014 18:10

You need to do what has been suggested. Block book the calendar :)

2minsofyourtime · 05/10/2014 18:10

Start adding dates out on the calendar, even if it means sitting in the car or something. Just so he can see you have a life too, then maybe baby sitting will become more even

fairylightsintheloft · 05/10/2014 18:13

really don't think the cost of the babysitter is the issue here. Five hours isn't that much if you went for dinner and a film or dinner and drinks and I don't know any random "teenagers" who will give up a weekend night for less than £40 minimum. This is an issue about how the OP and her H are going to make this equitable in a tricky and unusual situation. Its fine to be a SAHP reliant on the other when you're together but not after a split. OP how would he react to the idea of you finding work so you can be more independent of him now? Cost of childcare to be split obviously.

MarieSarah · 05/10/2014 19:36

WHere I you living? I am in central London and £10 per hour is for a Nanny, during the day. For evening babysitiing, it's £7 per hour.

MarieSarah · 05/10/2014 19:39

And same here, I am not going to judge your living arrangment (who are we to do so??), but for your own good, you should sit down with your ex partner and make a rota of night where you are responsible of the children and to pay for a babysitter if you get out that night

trashcanjunkie · 06/10/2014 12:12

I'm obviously lucky, I have two babysitters who charge a fiver an hour. But that's irrelevant, I was just a bit horrified on your behalf. I agree with the others, get in there quicker and book your own nights out way in advance, and have three at least per week. Even if you end up just sitting in a cafe having a cuppa and a quiet read for and hour or two. Stake your claim.

QuintessentiallyQS · 06/10/2014 12:15

Put dates for your evenings out on the calendar for 3 days per week. He does not need to know you are not there, so he will pay a babysitter, and YOU call your friends to make arrangements. Job done.

SuperScrimper · 06/10/2014 12:20

I'm slightly horrified you did round up the hour I've never not rounded up to the nearest hour.

But anyway, no, his was in the diary first.

SuperScrimper · 06/10/2014 12:21

Didn't round the hour, rather.

BackforGood · 06/10/2014 12:27

Well, as you are separated, then you need to formalise "the rules". I don't think you can retrospectively ask for money because you went out, if the first arrangement on the calendar was that he was out that night, no.

Have to agree with others though, whilst sorting things out, I'd also find a far cheaper sitter than that - if people had to pay that, most of us would never, ever go out.

HolyQuadrityDrinkFeckArseGirls · 06/10/2014 12:44

I'm and at finding a cheap babysitting labour. I live in Lindon zone 3 and unless you have family bearby, that us what you pay for the night out. I don't know where you find those elusuce teenagers happy to do ot for £5 per hour.

HolyQuadrityDrinkFeckArseGirls · 06/10/2014 12:48

For me it is akways 5 hours too; an hour to get there, 3hours event, an hour back. I try every so ofyen to do 4 hours if I'm out locally but it's always very rushed

trashcanjunkie · 06/10/2014 22:01

Ha ha, Newcastle! and they won't accept any more if you try to make them....

Middleagedmotheroftwo · 06/10/2014 22:04

£10 per hour for a babysitter? You are being ripped off.

Middleagedmotheroftwo · 06/10/2014 22:06

Start a babysitting circle. And don't make plans for the same night OH has booked in the calendar, married/separated or whatever.

SavoyCabbage · 06/10/2014 22:13

Definitely start going out ourself, be it babysitting for someone just to get out the house or just a coffee or swimming etc.

Original poster

Birra · 06/10/2014 22:15

I have been out and he's looked after ds.
I don't go out that much really.
Not sure how to start a babysitting circle when all my friends have their own children to look after, or I'd be wanting to go out with them.

And I don't quite see how I'm being ripped off when the going rate is £10 an hour.
If I used a service that's how much it would be.
The babysitters I use, are from ds's nursery so they know him, which makes me feel better

OP posts:

Original poster

Birra · 06/10/2014 22:20

This was a one off, very unfortunate that it fell on same night as h out.
I didn't arrange it just to be inconvenient

Anyway- I can now not see an end to this horrible no mans land of a non-separation
So will have to change tack

OP posts:

purpleroses · 07/10/2014 00:00

I think you're right there - living with someone you know you want to separate from but haven't yet done so is awful. It's far worse than being a lone parent. Good luck with moving forward and getting things more settled for you all. But do get him to commit to some regular contact times right from the start - even if that means "babysitting" at yours rather than having DS overnight at first for practical reasons. It really is lovely having a night or two a week that you know is yours to fill with social things.

I used to just ring a friend and ask if I could come round (with ) for the evening if I didn't have anything better to do.

HolyQuadrityDrinkFeckArseGirls · 07/10/2014 07:40

Ffs, she's not being ripped off. And babysitting circle has never materialised for me either. The logistics are inconvenient either way. Either you take your child to your friends' and then at night have to wake your DC a d transport home probably after few drinks or you'd have to have a friend that will spectacularly go out of their way and will stay at your place for the evening. People don't want to do that, they want to be at home.

purpleroses · 07/10/2014 09:20

Babysitting circles are FA use as a single parent - how are you supposed to recipricate?

Sleepover swaps with friends work well when they're a little older, especially if you want a long or late night out - I used to have a regular swap with another single parent from when our DSs were about 5 or 6 up.

But it is also worth asking around for local teenagers. Ask any families you know with older children, on anyone you know who uses sitters - they can recommend you ones who are good. My DC have loved having teenager sitters, and I've never paid more than £5 an hour (I'm in the SE). I can see it's harder if your DS is very little and you want someone he knows, but as he gets older it's a bit easier to introduce someone new to him.

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