To get highly irritated by how adult victims of child abuse are portrayed by media

[TodaysGood]

Every police programme I see, every crime drama, every sob story drama seems to centre around an adult perpetrator who was screwed up due to being abused as a child. There seems to be this link which is impossible to shake that being abused screws you up for life. Please don't think for one minute I am under stating the impact abuse can have, and for some people it does have very profound long term impacts, I would never deny that but I do get annoyed by the assuming portrayal of victims of child abuse becoming adults and being unstable and more often than not perpetrators of crime.
I am a victim of abuse, it was prolonged and frequent sexual abuse over a period of many years, and resulted in rape. The abuse was revealed and due to a supportive network the perpetrator (a family member) was prosecuted and I moved on. I had my issues, I dealt with them and I now am a successful academic,happily married, two beautiful children and a very happy life. Please don't think anyone reading this who has been through awful things in life and struggling to deal with it, that I am trying to suggest people should just get over it - that isn't what I am saying at all. I just feel the media use the stereotypical image of victims of abuse with many pre-judgements and as such many people who have not experienced these things are led to believe that such abuse is the defining feature of some-ones life. there is only one reason I don't openly share my experiences and that is that when I have people see the label of 'victim of abuse' and assume many things about me or how I feel without ever bothering to consider that may be it is simply a black area of an otherwise colourful and bright picture, and I don't think media outlets and tv shows help this!

Lazy script writing plus fear.

It is easier to 'blame' childhood abuse rather than have to consider that some people are like this with out any defining trauma.

I don't disagree magoria just think it does victims no favours by creating such stereotypes!

Absolutely agree. It's as if they think that we are permanently damaged and no amount of therapy or medication will prevent a life of crime or incarceration.

It gets right on my tits!!!

Yanbu, At some point people need to stop being a victim and start being a survivor.

Abuse is tragic and should never happen.

When you're an adult though, you are responsible for your life choices and that includes getting therapy if you need it.

There's no excuse for killing or hurting another human. None. If you are so damaged you can't control yourself, you need to be locked up, plain and simple.

YANBU two of my best friends were abused as children,they are happy successful funny women.
I guess that just would not make the news.

TodaysGood It is great that you have moved on-good for you

I was also sexually abused for many years as a child (by my father)-however I have been unable to "move on" from it

The difference between us however is that when I eventually told people what was happening I WASN'T supported (in fact it would be fair to say that I was turned on by members of my immediate family ie Mother and Sisters and extended family) Also my father was not brought to justice so I feel that he "got away" with what he did to me which I also think has played a MASSIVE part in my non recovery.

Hope that makes sense?

NotEnoughTime that makes complete sense and I so sorry for what you have been through - I cannot imagine having to go down this path without the support from family. Please don't think my post is in any way was meant as a detriment to you or to dismiss what you have been through. I suppose what i mean from it is at the media does not reflect the reality of people who have been abused, it reflects an idea/ assumption, and I don't feel that is helpful to anyone regardless of where they are in their path.
I completely understand why you feel like do and I would without doubt if in a similar situation - I'm so sorr if this post seemed insensitive in any way. xx

Completely agree! I still remember a conversation in a psychology lesson at school discussing an abuser, someone put their hand up and said "Yeah but wasn't he abused as a child so that's why he did it", having been abused myself (unknown to rest of class) I pointed out that the vast majority of victims do not go on to abuse and that you'd have to be a pretty awful person to inflict something like that on someone else knowing what it would do to them.
Yes I was fucked up and had no self esteem but I've never ever been abusive and I never will.
I am now a normal, functioning adult and rarely think about my childhood.
I went through absolute hell for a few years but I recovered and there is life after abuse.

I am an adult survivor of abuse, and there is no doubt I am fucked up.

However, I am no sociopath or psychopath, I am not violent or dangerous. I am just a product of my history, with a healthy dose of "I will rise above this" added to the mix.

Absolutely agree. I am sick to death it. Sometimes it feels like they expect you to fail because of the abuse you suffered through your childhood.

I too lived through an abusive childhood. My mother married an evil violent fuck. When I say violent, my mother was in intensive care the last time he decided to beat us up. We moved in secret, cut contact with everyone and everything we knew and lived in hiding for years. We had to move several times because he found us. To this day we are under no illusion that had my mother stayed, he would have eventually killed her.

Guess what? I am not a drug addict, an alcoholic, a criminal and I haven't gone on to abusive others. I am a happily married, first time mother to a gorgeous 9 month old and I am an Executive Director in a Global Business (currently on ML).

What happened in my childhood will not and does not determine who I am as an adult.

Today thank you.

YY, totally agree.

Just makes life even harder; victim of abuse, escape that and become the victim of prejudice/ preconception. I had a horrible childhood and knew/ was determined even at the time that it would drive me to create the most incredibly loving, secure environment for my own child. It's what got me through actually - the ambition for the future.

That's what I'm now doing and it's something of a relief in a sort of 'proof in the pudding' way, as I know people will have had doubts before because of the stereotyping you mention. I never had a doubt; I always knew it would make me go the opposite way - the greatest risk my daughter faces in life is being horribly spoiled (I know, not a good thing!) because I'm so constantly keen for her never to experience a moment of sadness.

In this way, I'm not saying it has had no effect on me - childhood experience shapes us all, but in my case it's made me very compassionate, empathetic (overly so - I struggle to switch off from other people's woes) etc.

victim of abuse, escape that and become the victim of prejudice/ preconception

Yes, this. Beautifully put!

I'm "not OK" - though I thought I was, and seemed to be, for decades. However I don't go around abusing children: as Fanny says, the very last thing I'd choose would be to put other kids through the same shit. I understand, though, how the repetition happens. One of my sibs is, in my opinion, abusive to her children. She absolutely cannot see it. Tellingly, she also thinks I exaggerate what happened in our childhood. One way of dealing with suffering is to normalise it: you convince yourself that what's happening to you is somehow all right, maybe even good, so then you don't have to think of your life as abnormal or yourself as damaged. Unfortunately this means you're unable to frame your own actions in that light when you inflict something similar on other people.

None of that is meant to excuse 'chained' abuse! I understand it, but understanding doesn't equal excusing. I think those of you who had genuine support to heal & recover are fortunate, and I'm really glad you're posting here :)

I completely agree with your points, Today. They don't even try to show how the chaining happens: the victimised baddie's always shown as angry & dehumanised. Some are, but many more are just deluded & fucked-up.

there is only one reason I don't openly share my experiences and that is that when I have people see the label of 'victim of abuse' and assume many things about me or how I feel without ever bothering to consider that may be it is simply a black area of an otherwise colourful and bright picture

And this ^^

Yanbu but is there not another reason it's portrayed this way, that's not laziness or sensationalism? I'm no expert but from when I briefly worked in this area for law enforcement, I recall it's a (twisted) rationale of many abusers that they aren't really causing harm to those they abuse and so to portray survivors of abuse as now living happy normal lives plays into that. I don't know what the answer is because the truth you describe is empowering but you also wouldn't want to risk minimising the impact.

victim of abuse, escape that and become the victim of prejudice/ preconception - that is much more eloquently put that I wrote it! Thank you, this is exactly what I mean!

I don't for one second deny the link of a abusive childhood to those who become abuser,and would never want to downplay the impact on victims but part of it for me is wanting to say I am normal - I've had difficult things to overcome in my life, I've had my challenges, but so have most people, they don't define who I am!

I don't know what the answer is because the truth you describe is empowering but you also wouldn't want to risk minimising the impact.

How exactly is telling people not all abuse survivors become abusers, criminals, drug addicted ect.? More people should be aware that people that lived through abusive childhoods can and do go on to have positive and successful lives. That does not minimise anything.

Yes people who were abused can go on to have happy and successful lives. But many really struggle with that.

Ending up with mental health/addiction/criminal justice problems doesn't mean that that person was weaker/not trying hard enough to get over it/using their childhood as an excuse etc.

I don't think anyone is trying to suggest that mrsboldon but I do think the media use it in a sensationalistic sort of way which creates a prejudice/ stereotype rather than respecting each individual going through their own story in their time and their way.
What I and others are suggesting is victims of abuse experience a double negative, the abuse itself then the prejudice assumptions made after.
I had to go to court not so long ago as a witness in a trial (absolutely nothing to do with my abuse in any way) I spent 2 hours in court, about an hour of that was being questioned about my past and the abuse and whether that affected my credibility as a witness. When this is still acceptable practice I struggle to believe that victims of abuse don't experience further prejudice beyond that of the abuse. this thread has got deeper than the initial rant I started with but the media highlights this whether as cause or consequence of the way society reacts I am not sure.

From what I've read on here, and forgive me if I'm wrong, it seems alot of victims are then bullied and threatened into silence, many are disowned and many are traumatised.

I don't know where the myth of a cycle of abuse is from, but generally women don't abuse.

I agree with the other posters, its stereotyping victimised people again.

That's hideous about your experience in court Today! It's not anything I have any experience in but it's always something I've suspected and feared - if I were ever in the wrong place at the wrong time, say, or had to give evidence for somebody else, my childhood would be used against me in exactly that way. Galling!

MrsBolden, as Today says, this is absolutely not what this thread is about - this thread is all about NOT bashing victims of child abuse! I'm in no way suggesting the way I am now is by any virtue of my own 'strength' etc/ anybody who reacts differently is in any way weaker. This, for whatever reason, is my reaction - it's who I am and I can be no other. And, for the record, I was horribly depressed (seriously suicidal) as a teenager - it wasn't a case of abuse stops, next day I'm fine.

Certainly, for the other side, and the other extreme, I am at the forefront of arguments relating to, say, child criminals, and the reasons they have come to the place they have (their own experiences of abuse making them desensitised, angry, inappropriate coping mechanisms etc) as opposed to ridiculous tabloid 'born evil' narratives. Those children need help. But what if they're given help? Lots of it. High quality help. What's the point in that help if they're forever to be deemed as somehow irreparably and inevitably damaged/ dangerous/ ultimately BAD?!

And that's obviously the very most extreme example - what of we who had it really bad, have never really 'lashed out' externally, but had internal battles (e.g. my teenaged depression) and come out the other side to be as stable and happy as the next person - especially given the next person has often experienced some sort of parental divorce/ childhood illness/ bullying at school etc etc.

I feel very 'yes and no' about the point made by the Original Poster.

I come from a background where there was physical and emotional abuse - as well as emotional neglect. This wasn't explicitly sexual, but gender certainly came into it, as my brothers were treated less harmfully.

I came from an outwardly 'functional' - and highly 'moral' middle class background. Education was valued highly and I was a bright child. In retrospect it seems clear to me that some teachers realised that I was troubled and went out of their way to be helpful, getting me to babysit, inviting me into their homes and giving me extra support.

So, to cut, a very long story short, I survived - despite the fact that there was a lot of chaos in my life as a young adult.

However, if I had been brought up in poverty... If my parents' failings had included the abuse of alcohol and other drugs... If I had not had help from my teachers... I honestly think I might be dead by now. Or caught up in a cycle of self-destructive behaviour.

Quite small things can tip the balance, I think.

When you're an adult though, you are responsible for your life choices and that includes getting therapy if you need it

I agree with this, however i will add that not everyone recognises that their childhood experiences are responsible for how theyve turned out. It was only a few years ago when i realised the extent of the damage my childhood abuse had caused psychologically. I have turned out fine- no crime or violence but i struggle with relationships and never really understood why. Also, lots of people who are abused may have never received support to catch a perpetrator or provide help to process it, many may have also been living in a permanent state of being abused in several ways so they couldnt ever pinpoint what abuse is responsible for how theyve turned out- i.e if sexual abuse was happening, as well as being neglected and beaten and a teen stole something to buy food well that could be the start of a criminal cycle that is hard to break out of. Steals, gets caught, had a record, wash rinse repeat and when someone asks why this person at 40 is stealing cars, selling drugs and beating up their partner it's not so easy to pinpoint why- it's where everything in their life has led them too. Of course there is personal responsibility, however i dont think it's as simple as saying "get therapy if you think you might turn to a life of crime"