Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to relax in my own home (MIL staying with us)

46 replies

FeelingSuffocated · 04/10/2014 15:25

I've NCed for this but to give you a bit of background, DH and I have been living with MIL for the last 4 months whilst we've had building work. MIL can be very difficult but we didn't have any other options (and initally thought it would only be for a month or two) and she really likes having us as she hates being on her own.

I get on okay with her but have been feeling suffocated not having my own space (I'm an introvert and need it). The only way I've coped is knowing I'll soon be back in my own place.

A few days ago MIL announced that she'll be moving into our new flat with us. She’s sold her flat and decided she’ll stay with us whilst her new place is renovated. DH and I are in a very difficult position as we can't really say no seeing as she's had us for the last 4 months (and DH's brother lives abroad so she can't stay with him), but the thought fills me with dread and I don't know how I'll cope. Our flat is small (1 bedroom) and open plan so there'll be nowhere to escape.

MIL doesn't work or have many interests so is always there and she has a habit of sitting on the sofa staring at DH and I, and listens in to all our conversations, phone calls etc. I can't do anything without her watching me/asking inane questions and it's driving me to despair! I hate coming in and not be able to curl up on the sofa and relax (she even sits and stares at us whilst we're watching TV!) and if we go out she waits up until we’re back.

I was really excited about moving into our new flat so I'm feeling gutted. We were planning on having lots of friends round for dinner and a big housewarming and now won't be able to whilst she's with us (which could be many months!). I won't even be able to have my own DM to stay as MIL gets really jealous when we see her (which isn’t even very often as she lives down south).

I feel like I'm walking on eggshells as she's either really lovely or extremely difficult so you never know what you're going to get. Watching what I say 24 hours a day is driving me insane. DH is really stressed about it as well but if he says anything MIL takes offense (and if we told her she couldn’t stay with us she’d probably never speak to us again).

AIBU to want to want to be able to relax with my DH in my own home without MIL breathing down our necks? I feel guilty for feeling like this seeing as she's put up with us for so long, although admittedly she likes it and doesn't seem to need her own space. Coping strategies would be much appreciated!

OP posts:
HappyAgainOneDay · 04/10/2014 15:28

How can you put her up if you'll have only one bedroom? There's your reason for her having to find somewhere else.

amyhamster · 04/10/2014 15:28

:(
Can you say just for one month ?
Do you work outside the home ?
Could you go to the gym & shower there too to delay getting home
Book a couple of weekends away with the girls
Such a shame you stayed with her in the first place as I agree it'll look mean to tell her no now

ihatethecold · 04/10/2014 15:30

Not a chance.
Do you think she has done this on purpose?
Let you stay with her so she can guilt you into living with you.

Tanaqui · 04/10/2014 15:31

Could you pay for her to go stay with the brother for a fortnight so at least you get a breather- sell it as settling in/ unpacking. Do you have dc?

Wonc · 04/10/2014 15:31

Oh disaster.
I agree... Not much you can do apart from talk to her and you don't think that would go down well.
Thanks

Mrsgrumble · 04/10/2014 15:32

I honestly don't know what to advise. That's why I tend not to rely on parents or Inlaws too much - favours need to be returned. I think the space thing is your only hope of an excuse. I think she's got use to your company, she could postpone restoration too so it could be a long wait :(

StillSquirrelling · 04/10/2014 15:32

I find it slightly odd that she's decided that it would be a good idea to stay with you in your one-bedroomed flat? I understand that it was lovely of her to put you up whilst you needed somewhere to stay but I'm assuming that you had your own room to stay in?

You're in a bit of a cleft stick really. You don't want her to stay (and I totally understand your reasons) but she did put you up whilst you needed a place to stay so I don't think it would be totally fair of you to say no. On the other hand, it's a bit out of order to have sold her flat without telling you, and just informed you, rather than asked you, about moving into your flat.

How long are the renovations on her new place going to take?

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 04/10/2014 15:33

Maybe you could ask a local B&B to do a long term let for her and pay for it as thanks for having you both for four months? Under the pre-text of her not having her own bedroom of course.

wheresthelight · 04/10/2014 15:33

it's simply bot practical in one bedroom flat for starters but do you think it could be her passive aggressive way of trying to say you and dh have outstayed your welcome?

exexpat · 04/10/2014 15:34

If you are moving into a one-bedroom flat, where is MiL planning to sleep? If the renovation of her new place will take months, it is just not feasible for her (or you and DH) to sleep on the sofa. I would be looking into a short-term rental for her.

amyhamster · 04/10/2014 15:35

It does sound like she's lonely and has arranged this on purpose :(

iwantgin · 04/10/2014 15:36

Yes, Where does she think she is going to sleep????

jaynebxl · 04/10/2014 15:36

No way! I presume that the place you've been staying with her has more than 1 bedroom for a start? Can you not move out of hers now and stay with friends?

Original poster
FeelingSuffocated · 04/10/2014 15:44

Thanks for all your replies. She doesn't seem to need her own space at all hence why she's perfectly happy to sleep on the sofa, which I don't understand at all, it would drive me insane if I was her! I agree that it's totally impractical but she genuinely doesn't seem to be bothered by that. I think she's basically lonely and wants to stay with us even if it's uncomfortable (which is why it's so hard to say no).

OP posts:
KillmeNow · 04/10/2014 15:47

This is of course a deliberate act on her part.

There is no need for her to stay with you at all.If you didnt live near enough for her to do this then she would have to get on like everyone else during house renovations.

If it turns out (and I hope it doesnt ) that she does in fact come to stay with you for years and years 1 month you will have to rethink how you use your flat.

I for one would not be sitting every evening being stared at. I would make sure that my normal use of the flat is to come home, perhaps have a bath and then retire to my bedroom with the door locked from inside while I watch TV. I might come out to eat or sort some domestic things out but then I would return to the bedroom. I would expect DH to do the same.

I wouldnt make it a horrible experience for her by being nasty but neither would I make it a 5 star experience. She is there simply waiting for her own house to be renovated and is not there at your invitation.

Larrytheleprechaun · 04/10/2014 15:50

Am I the only person wondering if she will move in and prolong the purchase of a new flat (forever if she got away with it)?

Behoove · 04/10/2014 15:50

The problem is, once she's in, she'll be hard to budge. You need to sort it out sooner rather than later no matter how difficult it is.

Surely any mil would understand a young couples need to be private and alone together, I don't get it.

Behoove · 04/10/2014 15:51

What's your husband saying about it btw?

Mrsgrumble · 04/10/2014 15:52

Dh needs to tell her no

exexpat · 04/10/2014 15:58

Does she have friends? Does she go out at all? I presume you and DH are both working, if you don't have DCs. In your position I would be staying late at work every night, and going away every weekend…

But basically your DH just has to stand up to her and say no, that just won't work. And maybe try and help your MiL find some friends and something to do with her life (voluntary work?) so she isn't completely dependent on you.

HazleNutt · 04/10/2014 16:10

it's a 1-bedroom flat! You don't have room for her. Simple as that.

Castlemilk · 04/10/2014 16:11

Oh dear.

Your DH might have to just bite the bullet and say that of course that won't work, she can't be on a sofa for months, her back will end up ruined, there's simply not enough room for you all.

However, as you are so grateful that she helped you out when you needed somewhere to stay then of course you will be delignted to do the same, and will be looking into short-term lets that you will find/b&bs.

Can you envisage that conversation? Would your DH be the type to be able to override all her 'No I really want to stay' with immediate horrifed 'Oh we couldn't possibly let you suffer like that, months on a sofa, not my dear old mum'? stuff? That's your only hope I think - simply bulldoze on refusing to acknowledge that her staying on your sofa is anything other than her being a complete martyr and sweep on with plans to have her comfortably housed elsewhere with constant assertions that after all she's done for you, no way is she sleeping on a sofa for months when you two could help her out...

Might be an idea to get info from local b&bs etc. and see what deal you could get - present a fait accompli - with a beaming smile.

I really would go for this, because it seems very much as if this is more about her being lonely - and you might have a real problem getting her out!

paddlenorapaddle · 04/10/2014 19:30

How awful however it would be harder to get her to go once she's installed herself in your new place

And she did this without asking first just be honest it's your home if you don't you'll forever be wrong footed

LemonBreeland · 04/10/2014 19:37

Castlemilk and paddle are right. You will never get her out if you let her stay. Castlemilk has great suggestions.

drudgetrudy · 04/10/2014 19:39

I thought this was going to say she was staying for a week and thought you would just have to suck it up-but really -you can't have this.

Its odd that she doesn't find it very uncomfortable.
Even though you stayed with her I think you do need to find a way to say no.
I would make the lack of space an excuse.

Is there anything you and your husband can do to help your MIL to build up her own life? Have you tried to talk to her about her interests and encourage them?