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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dd would like a party

17 replies

Teensandparties · 04/10/2014 09:57

Dd would like a party for her dfs but is upset as she has a wide friendship group and although some of her close friends don't drink alcohol some of the others do and expect alcohol to be on tap or be able to bring alcohol into the house. We are strict teetotal and there is no way I allow alcohol in my house.

A few other parents I know when they have gone to pick up their dc from parties have witnessed parties getting out of hand with young teenage drunks and it is only a matter of time before someone gets seriously hurt.

Dd and her friends have been invited to one party but are refusing to go as they have a feeling that they will be forced to drink and they are worried their drinks will be spiked. They are not particularly friendly with this girl so it came as a great surprise that they were even invited. Dd and the ones in her friendship group that don't drink do not get invited to parties outside of their group anymore as they are considered boring. They are only 14.

AIBU to say that dd can invite her extended friendship group to a party but if I spot any alcohol then not only will it be poured down the sink but I will be on the phone to their parents to come and pick them up.

OP posts:

Rainicorn · 04/10/2014 10:01

No way would I allow my 14 year old to attend a party where other children of the same age were drinking.

YANBU

Shockers · 04/10/2014 10:08

DS turned 14 in the summer. He invited 20 of his friends round for lunch (half boys, half girls), they sat and chattered and then all trooped off to the baths where we had booked out the pool with large inflatable. Everyone enjoyed it (they even talked about booking out the pool as a group again) and there wasn't the opportunity for anyone to drink. The girls all looked far more sophisticated than I expected for 14 year olds, but had a great time.

Could you arrange the sort of party where they're too busy to think about drink? If that kind of thing wouldn't float their boat, what about getting a beautician to do nails or facials?

Shockers · 04/10/2014 10:09

And what rainicorn said!

Original poster

Teensandparties · 04/10/2014 10:11

I know for a fact that the 3 parties that have occurred since the beginning of term, all the parents went out and bought beer cider wine etc and the kids with their parents permission brought the Bacardi and Jack Daniels and Vodka. I am not going to try and compete as my house = my rules which dd agrees with it is just that other parents have set the bench mark and now most of the kids expect the same.

Dd and her friends are sure they have only been invited to this other girls party because they are a challenge.

As dd was saying yesterday that her classmates and other drinking friends only think a party was great if they cannot remember anything of the night before.

One of the parents I know very well and we have always joked about my lax parenting style but I was [shocked] when she said she packed her dd off with a bottle of wine to a party with the comment that she has to learn to drink sensibly.

Am I missing something but why do 14 year olds need to learn to drink.

OP posts:

PumpkinPie2013 · 04/10/2014 10:14

YANBU I would not allow a 14 year old to drink alcohol (my own child or someone else's)

What about about a party that won't involve alcohol? Maybe something like having nails done? Cinema and go somewhere for tea (just frankie and Benn Y's or similar? ), ice skating plus food?

What do they like doing? I'd try to do something around that if possible. Eating out would solve the alcohol problem as they won't be served.

Original poster

Teensandparties · 04/10/2014 10:17

Thanks for the party idea but dds birthday is in early January. I think it might be a tad too cold for a pool. I was thinking of a party bus with non alcoholic cocktails and music and dancing and possibly Karaoke.

Dd and some of her friends are brilliant and there is no thought about alcohol but it is the others who seem to expect it. I can see that their is a breaking up of the friendship group caused by alcohol.

OP posts:

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 04/10/2014 10:17

Could your DD just invite those who dont want / arent allowed to drink round? Stack of scary movies and bowls of popcorn, maybe even have them all sleepover.

If any of her drinker friends query why they havent been invited she could maybe just say "oh I didnt think it would be your scene?"

musicalendorphins2 · 04/10/2014 10:21

Arranging something such as Shockers did, or book them all in a dance studio for a hip hop lesson and make a dvd of it they can all have copies of?
Have delicious food and a really good music soundtrack.

Hire some entertainment like magic act? (Not a children's one, but there are some entertaining ones.)

Finola1step · 04/10/2014 10:27

From your OP, it thought you were going to say that this would be her 16th birthday. 14! Blimey!

Now I must admit, at that age I used to sneak the odd drink. Buy never with my parent's knowledge. And this was the late 80s when everyone was trying to get off there faces in fields.

14 year olds being given full permission to drink spirits - I find that really concerning. You are right to be worried OP.

The party bus idea sounds great. Mocktails and karaoke. Let the girls all get ready and dressed up at yours before they go to get them all in the party mood.

Your situation reminds me of a conversation I recently had about boundaries and teenagers. That boundaries are a fine balance but all teenagers will kick against the boundaries given. Therefore, if a parent actually buys spirits for a 14 year old, where is the boundary? No illegal drugs? Or is that ok too as long as its only a bit of spliff? So what do the teenagers do to rebel?

OwlWearingSunglasses · 04/10/2014 10:56

I remember being invited to parties at the age of 14 where it was Bring A Bottle. I never went as my parents made so many rules what I could do, eat, drink, say, wear to the party that it was just easier not to go.

DogCalledRudis · 04/10/2014 11:10

I remember when i was about 13, was my friend's birthday. We were very goody goody girls, didn't even think about bringing booze. But the parents gave us some sort of cherry compote -- from their own garden. We ended up pissed.

AlpacaLypse · 04/10/2014 11:17

I absolutely agree with Finola. If you set a pretty high bar to what you find acceptable, they will derive great pleasure from pushing that boundary. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't really be that furious if I discovered either dtd had had a sneaky drink (so long as it was just the one or two), but as far as they're concerned I'd go ballistic. That way I've still got ammunition in hand for the really dangerous stuff.

OwlWearingSunglasses · 04/10/2014 11:21

Finola makes good points.

I've never said my (now adult) DC couldn't have a drink, they sometimes had a glass of wine or a beer with dinner in their teens. Now they're both able to buy alcohol more often than not they get a soft drink and can recork a bottle of wine after one glass.

That impresses me. Not a skill I've learned.

Original poster

Teensandparties · 05/10/2014 00:42

I am an older parent, in fact I am positively ancient and as I am also tee total, I sometimes wonder I am not as in the loop as some of the younger parents. I suppose it threw me when one of the mums who is slightly younger than me, who had joked with me about my lax parenting style compared to her parenting style, was packing her 14 year old dd off to 15th birthday parties with a bottle of wine tucked in her bag.

I think because the girls and boys who have had birthday parties so far have had parents who lay on the booze a lot of her class have suddenly developed a taste for it and now expect it

OP posts:

AlpacaLypse · 09/10/2014 00:31

Hang on in there. You're not the only parent who actually disapproves and there are a fair few of us ready to hold hands. And your child/children may very well feel more secure for it.

skylark2 · 09/10/2014 08:51

Would it help if she had a different type of party - is there a film she'd like to go see with her friends? Or something else?

DD knew there was no way we would host the sort of drunken 18th birthday party many of her friends had so she didn't even ask. I took her and a friend to a snow skiing dome for the day, something she's wanted to do for ages.

She wasn't taking alcohol to parties at 14 - but she was at 16.

I have always said it's okay for my kids to play the "big bad mum" card if they're pressured to drink / drink more than they're comfortable with. Most peers appreciate "won't drink because I'll be grounded for 5 years". I can live with their friends thinking I'm an ogre if it makes it easier for them to say no.

momb · 09/10/2014 08:57

I second the 'different kind of party' thing. My DD is 14 and in the last year she has attended a mad hatter's tea party (full fancy dress, macaroons etc), a steampunk tea, a spy mission/meal at a dimsum restaurant, a movie/Frankie and Benny's.
All these were arranged/run by the kids themselves so minimal running about/organisation required by parents (though I understand baking was involved!). All daytime, all booze free.

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