Oh fuck it.

[Plumviolet]

I am sitting on my doorstep in the rain. 12 week old is asleep in her cot. 4yo and 3yo in bed. Husband out for a (much needed) night out. Just found out my dad may have Alzheimer's. I broke my foot falling off the toilet seat where I was standing watering a plant on Wednesday. I have wine and I'm having a cigarette for the first time in years. It's a bit stale and has been in a drawer since a party last Christmas. I am at a low. Why is this the most rebellious thing I can do right now?

Be careful and if it continues help is out there.

have an internet hug (((hug)))

There're few moments in life that we remember with clarity but the mortality and frailty of your parents is a tough one.

You'll be ok sweetheart, battle scarred and a little wiser but ok - heck there'll even be moments of nothing but pure joy. It's a rough spot but that's all - a part of the timeline.

Don't be too hard on yourself, I find the easier things more stressful than the massive problems when things are tough. It's ok because I know that and no there's no shame in seeking support for those things I just can't deal with if it leaves me to concentrate on something else.