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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really worried about Dfriend trying for a baby?

26 replies

extremepie · 03/10/2014 18:52

I have a really good friend, known each other for ages & were catching up recently.

She told me that she is off her medication and trying to lose weight so she can have a baby. This is great however, she is nearly 30 and has been on a combination of fairly hefty AD's for depression since the age of 18 and had admitted she is really struggling off them. Have seen some posts on FB saying how unmotivated she is and how hard things are without the meds etc.

I love her to bits but Aibu to think it is a really bad idea for her to be trying for a baby? Ok admittedly she probably wouldn't get pregnant straight away but even so, neither she or her bf work as he is also off long term sick with depression. They really struggle for money to the extent where she had to borrow a fairly small amount off a family member to pay bills & was upset that she can no longer get loans from a payday lender since they've changed their criteria.

She & bad have been engaged for about 8yrs and still have no money to get married so Aibu to think having a baby is the last thing they should do, at least not for a good while until they are much more settled? Not to mention they live on a 3rd floor council flat and have no room for a child?

Feel really mean in thinking this but I can just see it all ending badly and I would hate for her to have a baby and struggle so much she can't cope :/

OP posts:
woowoo22 · 03/10/2014 18:58

I have no idea if YABU or not. Has she said why they're trying for a baby?

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 03/10/2014 19:00

Tbh the only thing Id be a bit Hmm about is the money - I really think that someone should be earning a wage before they try for a family, in order that they can attempt to support the extra person in society.

The living accomodation - 3rd floor - not a bother. Lots of parents live in flats, the amount of threads on here for people looking for easy fold buggies for stairs is proof of that.

The ADs - if she needs to be off them in order to TTC then she has made a choice ti try and manage without them for about a year. A friend would encourage and support through this, "you are doing so well, it is a short time, it will all be worth it" etc.

Not married - irrelevant. Theyve been together eight years and it doesnt sound like theyve had it easy - they are probably a really strong little unit.

And my over riding opinion is that whatever your feelings in this situation, she wants a child. A desperate yearn for a child and to experience motherhood is something that really cannot be reasoned with.

I hooe this baby is the making of her.

Mostlyjustaluker · 03/10/2014 19:00

You are right to be worried but you can't make decisions for her. Has she spoken to Gp about her plans and changes of medication? If not suggest this would be a good idea if she is reluctant suggest they can help her get into shape for baby.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 03/10/2014 19:01

Y.N.B.U to be concerned but you are B.U to think that because you friend has depression and doesn't work that she should not be having children, so we can only breed if we have perfect lives. If that was the case the world would come to a shuddering halt. This baby will probably be the making of her

formerbabe · 03/10/2014 19:04

The circumstances aren't ideal but that's the case for many potential parents. The fact she lives on the third floor is meaningless by the way. As for money, we live in a civilised country, she would get help. It's not ideal or a great situation but it's not the end of the world.

Women have babies in much worse circumstances.

Fairylea · 03/10/2014 19:06

It's not a great situation in many ways but you never know maybe part of her depression is to do with wanting a family / baby - she might even find her depression lifts if she conceives, she might feel more of a sense of purpose in life. You never know. Not everyone that has severe depression goes on to develop pnd or has difficulties parenting.

Jessica85 · 03/10/2014 20:39

If you are genuinely concerned about her then YANBU. If you are, in fact, judging her for ttc while poor (which your op sounds like) than YABU.

For me, not married is a non-issue, poor is a non-issue, living in a flat is a non-issue, but if it were my friend I would worry about her mental health while off ADs and do everything I couple to help. But you must do you best to avoid judging her circumstances.

GreenPetal94 · 03/10/2014 20:53

I think you should mind you own business really, childlessness is also a big burden to bear.

A doctor once told me not to have any kids as I had bipolar and took lithium. I now have two wonderful boys aged 11 and 13 and still take lithium. I'm so glad I came off meds to have the kids, its the best decision I ever made even if things were a bit rocky thr pregnancy.

I expect a few people muttered I should not have children, my only regret now is I didn't have more kids.

Original poster
extremepie · 03/10/2014 22:21

It's not a problem that she isn't married, honestly, she and her bf have been together for ages so I'm sure they are in a loving commuted relationship so the fact they aren't married is neither here not there it's the fact they can't afford a wedding which, I feel, if you are determined enough could be done on the cheap - if you can't even afford that how can you afford a child?

Don't get me wrong, I am currently relying on benefits so it's not a poor bashing thing AT ALL it's just that they are living in a place not big enough for them and a child (one bed flat) so would be reliant on the council rehousing them and paying them HB, plus neither of them are intending on returning to work so they would again be reliant on benefits to make ends meet - I don't have a problem with people on benefits (I am one myself!) I just wonder how they will cope with a child if they can't afford life right now without one !

OP posts:
markhammax · 03/10/2014 22:24

I got pregnant by mistake after getting drunk and not putting a condom on properly. I'm always skint have no family to help and live hand to mouth and I'm an AWESOME mum! Grin

Dd says so anyway ha ha ha

SaucyJack · 03/10/2014 22:26

Who died and made you the perfect mother OP?

markhammax · 03/10/2014 22:27

They won't get away with being on benefits with a child those days are LONG gone!

If what you mean is aibu to think my friend shouldn't try for a baby so she gets a bigger house and more money say so - as some people do. And you're right . But plenty of us are permaskint and good parents!

Original poster
extremepie · 03/10/2014 22:27

Plus the fact that if she can barely cope with getting up in the morning now without meds, how will she cope when she is a hormonal wreck after giving birth and has a screaming baby to look after?

I really really mean this in the nicest possible way. I'm not saying she won't be a good mum or will develop PND, she might be fine but if she isn't even fine on her own with no responsibilities, how will she cope when she does? I've had MH problems myself so I know what it is like and I know when I was really suffering I could barely look after myself let along someone else :/

I appreciate the fact that she isn't me but I just worry about her :)

OP posts:
markhammax · 03/10/2014 22:28

You're not her mother Confused

You sound really patronising to be honest!

RJnomore · 03/10/2014 22:30

I'm thinking that it's the being off the meds that worries me.

Both her and her partner are suffering from a disability in their mental health and I don't think being disabled should mean you can't have children.

If you aren't able to earn a wage, but can still raise a child in love and give it what it needs, who are any of us to criticise? Plenty of miserable children around in "earning" households.

But of being off the meds means her health is unstable, I hope she is getting medical advice

Oh and plenty of people with no precarious MH issues suffer from pnd Hmm

PiperIsOrange · 03/10/2014 22:31

Encourage her to see her GP, there is about to be a tablet that is safe to have during TTC and pregnancy.

What worries me more is that she has came off the medication cold turkey, she needs to wean off them properly.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 03/10/2014 22:32

She may well be in a better position than most - her other half will be there too, all day every day.

She wont be rehoused due to being in a one bed. She wont be classed as overcrowded til the little one is about five. By then her circumstances could gave drastically changed.

Original poster
extremepie · 03/10/2014 22:33

Saucy - I'm not perfect, not at all, but when I got pregnant myself and my exH were both working & had our own place big enough for us and a baby, then life happened!

My friend would be getting pregnant knowing that they cannot afford a baby, don't have room for one and would be totally reliant on benefits/the council to house them in a suitable property and pay them enough to live on. What if they don't? What happens then? How will they survive? I just thinks she assumes they will help her and I'm worried she won't cope if they say no :/

OP posts:
PiperIsOrange · 03/10/2014 22:41

They would get

£20.50 child benefit
Income support £113.70
52.88 child tax credit.

So around £188 plus housing benefit and council tax.

bingoheads · 03/10/2014 22:42

Sounds like you're gearing up to give her the benefit of your great wisdom on this. Please don't, you have absolutely no right to try to influence such a personal decision. She's not trying to choose a pair of shoes. Your job as her friend is to be there for her and give support with whatever happens, not map out her life for her.

RJnomore · 03/10/2014 22:47

I seriously object to thinking you are only entitled to children if you are in paid employment.

I also object to thinking you can have a dozen and not work mind you...

Op, any one of us could become disabled and unable to work, unless you are independently wealthy having a child is a gamble for all of us.

Wind your neck in.

Original poster
extremepie · 03/10/2014 22:49

Mark, how is it patronising to be concerned about someone who seems to struggle with even basic self care and finances choosing to have an extra person who totally depends on them for everything? Also, it was her mother who she borrowed money off to pay her bills & she said it's the last time she will help as they have borrowed so much.

As things currently are she cannot get pregnant by accident, not to give tmi, so they would have to actively ttc. I just think they should wait until they are a bit more stable in themselves before going ahead :/

Not saying they shouldn't have a baby, i just think they should wait for a while as I know how hard it is and I don't think she really does :(

OP posts:
RJnomore · 03/10/2014 22:51

If you are sexually active there is a chance you can get pregnant by accident.

Are you insinuating they will need supported conception due to fertility issues.

Original poster
extremepie · 03/10/2014 22:53

Basically yes RJ, of course it could happen but it's likely they will need assistance

OP posts:
smallcosmos · 03/10/2014 22:55

I am on IS as a single mum Piper and I get a higher rate due to my MH issues - OP's friend may be the same. Although as she is in a relationship she wouldn't be entitled to IS, unless her partner is able to claim as a carer for her. Hard to know exactly what they'd be entitled to without knowing how much the disabilities affect them.There is also a grant to pay for initial baby things as well.

I got a lot of support when I fell pg with MH difficulties - my CPN supported me in getting priority for council housing. Plus there is a lot of help offered in terms of practical support and therapy - expectant mums do get moved up the waiting list as it's essential that they are in the right frame of mind to be able to care for a child.

I was on fluoxetine when I was expecting - my DS was an easy birth and is perfectly healthy. But some women do come off ADs during pg and that's fine too if they are given support to help them through.

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