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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want to be civil with this woman?

26 replies

CundtBake · 03/10/2014 17:12

I will try to keep this as short and to the point as possible, please bare with me!

A few years ago, before DC I worked as a nanny. I mostly worked as a mothers help doing after school hours when the mother was also there.

It was my first job after a breakdown, I was young (18 I think) and I had little experience of working. There was no contract so Im pretty sure it wasn't legal (I had no knowledge of a contract being required) I worked there for a year.

The mother was an absolute nightmare. Everything I did was wrong. She'd say nothing to my face then send emails when I got home asking me to do things differently next time. She even wanted me to chop garlic her way ffs! She also shouted at me a few times, when the kids were playing up and she was stressed.

I became miserable and felt like I must be bad at my job. I had low self esteem as it was but this made it so much lower.

Things concluded when I found out I was pregnant. I knew they would want to find someone else and to be honest was glad to have an excuse to get away from the job. I let them know I wanted to work as long as I possibly could (I knew I would need the money) but understood they would want to find somebody knew and I was happy to help them search. This was all spoken about and we seemed to agree. I went home for the weekend and received an email on the Monday saying they think it would be best if we terminated the job now, and asking for the wages they had paid me back!! They also said I 'owed' them two nights babysitting which is something that had never been agreed on and I still don't know where that came from.

I let them know I would be keeping my wages and I wouldn't be babysitting for them. She went on to send me loads of emails saying I can't do that, how I shouldn't run away from my problems and how would I ever be a good parent with my attitude. She also asked if she could email my mother to discuss things with her instead Shock

I ended up having to ignore her, posted her door keys back and tried to forget the whole thing although it left me really upset.

Fast forward to now my DS is 2 and we now live in an area not far from theirs. Today I saw her for the first time since working for her at a playgroup in between our areas. I wanted to run away/cry but stuck it out and ignored her. I have friends at this playgroup and she didnt seem to know anybody and I suppose for that reason she decided to come up to me and say hey how have you been etc as if nothing happened. I just looked at her like she had grown two heads and then carried on what I was doing. Childish maybe but I really don't want to play nicey nicey with someone who made me feel so low at a time when I was very vulnerable.

AIBU to think she is bonkers and mean and not want to pretend like nothing happened?

Thanks if you got this far Grin

OP posts:
BitchPeas · 03/10/2014 17:15

Yanbu.

I would ignore and avoid until the end of time.

Groovee · 03/10/2014 17:18

I wouldn't want to speak to someone who had done that to me either.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/10/2014 17:19

YANBU she sounds awful, I would have done the same as you. Noway would I have wanted to interact with a woman who treated me so badly.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 03/10/2014 17:22

Continue to ignore her, you're the better person here, she sounds like a nasty piece of work.

Fabulassie · 03/10/2014 17:27

YANBU. She deserved to be looked at like that and she can go find another play group if she doesn't like it.

Stratter5 · 03/10/2014 17:36

I wouldn't want to talk to her. And I love your nn

furcoatbigknickers · 03/10/2014 17:39

You did the right thing.

mupperoon · 03/10/2014 17:45

God, how did you stick out an entire YEAR? I had a similar childcare job like that with a nightmare mother and I managed about 4 days before deciding I'd rather starve.
Well done on keeping your self esteem!

CundtBake · 03/10/2014 17:52

Grin thankyou stratter5

Ok phew I'm glad you all don't think I've been stupid and childish. It's something that still bothers me I used to get anxious just going through their area!

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 03/10/2014 17:58

YANBU. Stuff her. You did the right thing. Hopefully she gets the hint and leaves you alone but if not calmly remind her of how horribly she treated you.

OfaFrenchMind · 03/10/2014 18:09

YANBU. Never force yourself to socialise with people you despise when you have no reasons to.

SASASI · 03/10/2014 18:09

She probably only spoke because you were the only familiar face.
I'd have done same as you, not unreasonable at all.

merrymouse · 03/10/2014 18:13

I think it's not just an issue of not being polite - the way the woman treated you was illegal. Usually I would advocate being civil to everyone, but there is no healthy place for you to go with this relationship.

redexpat · 03/10/2014 18:36

YANBU. I'd be surprised if she came back next week.

ilovesooty · 03/10/2014 19:29

What merrymouse said.

ReallyOTT · 03/10/2014 19:30

Oh well done! I'm the sort of person that would of said hello by accident Hmm

MidLifeClitoris · 03/10/2014 19:55

Well done you, I would've found it hard not to say hello but you did the right thing.
What did she do when you ignored her?

Rusticated · 03/10/2014 20:00

I admire your restraint. Well played. You are entirely reasonable not to want to play nice with someone who was an appalling and abusive employer.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 03/10/2014 20:04

Poor you.
I would confront her, because otherwise I would be wondering where her next assault was coming from.
But yanbu.

ThursdayLast · 03/10/2014 20:08

Ditto all the other posters.

Fuck her.

CombineBananaFister · 03/10/2014 20:09

I would have been so shocked I would have probably said hello by accident Blush
YANBU - you don't have to socialise with people you don't like, I think I'm too British to ignore though, would just be imperceptable nods and hmm-ing until she got the message to go away Grin. Good for you

ithoughtofitfirst · 03/10/2014 20:12

I would've definitely said "oh hi how are you?!" bleeeergh

I admire you for ignoring her and standing your ground when you quit. Good work OP. BrewCake

Comito · 03/10/2014 20:15

I wouldn't either, Cundt. I used to work with a woman who behaved atrociously towards me then a couple of years down the line when we were both working for different companies she tried to be all matey, mainly because I was then in a position to help her out. Fuck that.

CrapBag · 03/10/2014 21:48

YANBU. Good on you for having the guts to ignore her. I probably would have spoken to avoid any conflict/confrontation then hated myself for being a wuss after.

It reminds me of a time in school. Someone was in my tutor group for years we werent enemies but we weren't friends either. One day a load of us from the year had to stay back in the hall for something and not one of her friends was there. I saw her looking around out of the corner of my eye, clock me, come rushing over to sit next to me with a massive and cheery "oh hi CrapBag, I haven't spoken to you for AGES". Hmm I just gave her a wry smile and a tight " hello". Total user with no shame like the cow in your OP.

MrsDeVere · 03/10/2014 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.