to not want to tell my family that I'm pregnant?

[upduffedsecret]

I'm 13 weeks. I don't live anywhere near my mother or brother so I would have to do it by phone.

trouble is, the responses I get..

this is the conversation I had with my mother when I was having my first child, when I was 36:

"Mam, I'm pregnant"
"well, just because you're pregnant it doesn't mean you end up with a baby, look at me, I was pregnant 4 times and only had your brother. oh, and you, of course... I'm just saying it's not guaranteed [...time passes, I am gobsmacked so say nothing...] anyway, I'm going to go and digest this information now." [she hangs up]

having second child:

"thought I should tell you, I'm pregnant again"
"oh. Is that a good thing, then?"
"Yes!"
"oh. [long pause] right. umm.... [a few minutes of talking about her neighbour who I've never met before I say goodbye and hang up]"

... a couple of months later...

"just thought I'd tell you I had the 20 week scan and it's another boy"
"oh. I didn't realise. [sigh] You're still pregnant, then?"

whereas my brother shows no interest in my 2 children, barely communicates with me, hasn't seen the eldest in 3 years and has never met the almost-2-year-old, yet feels it's his place to announce my children on his facebook before I even get to log in to mine.

congratulations op i would keep it to yourself if you get those sort of reactions

I had negative responses from my DM for the first 2. So I told my DF about number 3 and left it to him. She finally acknowledged the pregnancy at 7 months by asking how it was going! Can you let her know by telling someone else? If not then I'd keep it to yourself! Congrats!

Jeez, what a bizarre way to respond when someone tells you that they're pregnant! I wouldn't bother, just announce the birth and watch the confusion.

Congratulations

Text her. 'Congratulations, you're going to be a grandmother again! We're really pleased.'
Then you have the choice of whether to read a reply.

Answered on the other thread - whoops!

But essentially, congratulations, and bugger your mother.

Congratulations!

I would just wait until after the baby is born.

YANBU at all!! That must be very hurtful for you. Keep your lovely news for those who care. Congratulations .

i wouldn't bother either.

congratulations, it's lovely news.

Firstly, Congratulations!

Secondly, why not just wait until after the birth, when you have a chance to post on FB before your brother does, before telling anyone?

Wow, a bigger bitch than my 'oh. i never really wanted to be a grandmother' mother.

Don't tell them. Fuck em.

Why do you even bother having any contact at all. what do these people add to your live?

I can't really let her know any other way. though she did tell me the man I thought of as a grandfather had died by text message, so even though she'd find being told that way offensive there is precedent!

(she also moved house without telling me because "I thought someone would let you know" so there is precedent for not telling her at all too)

my brother and his wife can't have kids, so you'd think she'd be pleased.

this time, she doesn't even know I have a partner (split from my two children's father a while ago) so no doubt she'll have something to say on that too.

I certainly won't tell my brother anything until I'm ready to take things "public" ... twice now he's pretended to all his friends that he's a really involved uncle "my sister has had the baby! blahblahblah" but can't be arsed to see us. still, I suppose he gets what he wanted out of it... all our mutual friends say congrats on his status so he gets to look good.

I didn't tell mine for the opposite reasons. Once I did dm would phone me about 6 times a day to check I was still alive/ had eaten/ had had enough water/ etcetc. Drove me bonkers! And that was ds1 when I told her at 18 weeks. Ds2 I told at 26 weeks :) he was born slightly early also so only had about 10 weeks of the above

why I keep them in my life? "when she was good, she was very, very good... but when she was bad she was horrid" sort of sums it up.

never sure which version I'm going to be talking to

I'd wait until the birth unless she phones you before then in which case slip it into the conversation.
Not sure why you think your brother and SIL will be pleased you are pregnant again when they can't have kids although that's no reason for them to be churlish.
It sounds as though you have poor relationships with your family and whether or not you are pregnant doesn't affect that so maybe stop expecting pregnancy to make a difference.
They aren't really in your life so their reactions don't matter.

Rebecca I think she means you'd think her mum would be pleased because of her brother's situation. Not that her DB / SiL will be.

And yes, OP, tell them after the birth.

wait till the birth and tell her what awful reactions from your other to pregnancys :( congratulations

I'm NC with my mum, primarily for excluding me from her house move.

Seriously, just don't tell them. don't bother. she's only nice when she wants to PLAY at being nice.

Come on over to the Stately Homes thread, we have stories very similar to yours and are all a lot stronger for the support there!

My brother and SIL generally ate pleased for me... I was supposed to be infertile so I do understand why they might not be.

I never commented on whether they were or not. And they deliberately chose not to be able to have children... Permanently removed the option ( they had their reasons, and I respect that). My point was that my kids are the only grandchildren she'll my mother will ever have.

*are, not 'ate'

Don't tell her, say you lost her number when she finds out x

when I have my first DC I wouldn't want to tell my family. They see me as a disappointment because of a lot of things. God forbid I have a child before I get married. when My mam had me, her dad took down all the pictures of her in the house and wouldn't speak to her for 7 months.
I wouldn't want to ever tell my family a goddamn thing. I'm not surprised you don't.

well I told my brother last night. He's trying to get me to phone mam now :(

Told him why I don't want to. He still thinks I should because "she'd be hurt"

may as well have saved my energy and not bothered with explaining why I'm reluctant. he doesn't understand what I have a problem about.