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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To invent a fake preschool for my son?

23 replies

Mrsfrumble · 02/10/2014 20:46

We live abroad, our parents and siblings are still in the UK. I have a DS who is nearly 4 and a younger DC, and I'm currently a SAHM. Both children are with me all day, partly because we have been unable to find a part time nursery / preschool place for DS.

I did arrange a place for him at a new preschool, going three days a week, which was due to start in August but that fell through because the place closed within a week of opening. Since then the only places I have been able to find are for 4 or 5 full days a week.

I speak to my parents on the phone once or twice a week and they will not bloody well stop asking about it! Have I found anything yet? What do other mothers do? (Either work full time and send their children to full time nursery or stay at home with the children until they are old enough for a state preschool or kindergarten place at 4 or 5). I've explained the situation over and over again and it's as if they don't believe me!

WIBU to fabricate a preschool and tell them he's going part time and having a lovely time? I feel bad enough that I haven't managed to sort anything out. If we'd stayed in the UK he would have started his 15 hours a week this academic year, and I do worry that he's bored and will be behind his peers when we return. I know my parents mean well but they're making me feel even worse.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/10/2014 20:48

YWNBU only if he can't talk. DD goes on and on about preschool to GPs on Skype. Surely they talk to him too?

Original poster

Mrsfrumble · 02/10/2014 20:49

Yeah, it's a crap idea isn't it? I just don't know how else to get them off my back.

OP posts:

PacificDogwood · 02/10/2014 20:49

Well, I'd just tell them, personally, but I can see where you are coming from!

Sound exasperating.

So, your older DS is 3? What on earth is the rush for for getting him into 'preschool'? Does he have contact with other children? All's well then IMO.

I don't get this rush for 'formal education' for very young children. Plenty of time.

But I'd just tell them that you will let them know as soon as the situation changes and until then the subject is just too boring for words

Viviennemary · 02/10/2014 20:50

No. Don't tell lies. Just say look I've told you the situation. Now can we please talk about something else.

Eva50 · 02/10/2014 20:50

I would tell them that you are home educating him in the meantime and don't wish to discuss it further. Each time they bring it up put the phone down or cut off Skype. They will soon get the message.

phantomnamechanger · 02/10/2014 20:51

do not lie and do not encourage your son to lie - just tell them to drop it and MYOB

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/10/2014 20:51

I find, "I don't want to talk about it" works well with DM. Then move on. The joy of living abroad is a bad phone connection or a spilled imaginary drink can happen at any point.

rootypig · 02/10/2014 20:52

Mrsf, just tell them you are exhausted talking about it and will not utter one more word on the subject. And then refuse to, much as though you were four yourself

CheerfulYank · 02/10/2014 20:55

I would just say "it's different here."

I live in the States and preschool for three year olds in my area is 2.5 hours, two or three days a week. Many don't do preschool at all until 4.

Original poster

Mrsfrumble · 02/10/2014 20:57

My mum in particular is very sensitive, and I feel guilty about moving so far away. Before we moved I did say that I thought a day or two a week at nursery would be good for DS - he's a handful and I thought he might benefit from some more structure and stimulation - but it hasn't worked out and I don't want to send him full time if I'm not working.

I don't want to hurt their feelings.

OP posts:

CheerfulYank · 02/10/2014 21:00

I'd just say that. Say "there isn't a part time option here yet and full time doesn't work."

Original poster

Mrsfrumble · 02/10/2014 21:06

I do keep explaining the situation as clearly as I can! In my Dad's case, he's very forgetful and gets his grandchildren mixed up (there are quite a lot of them) so I think he doesn't remember when we talk why DS isn't going to nursery like his cousins.

I thought inventing a preschool might spare everyone's feelings, but I can't trust a 3 year old to play along, can I?

OP posts:

PacificDogwood · 02/10/2014 21:11

No, don't coerce him to lie for you.

If it's a memory problem in your dad's case, I think you should just suck it up and repeat 'It's different here' kindly. Be a broken record.

Re hurting your mum's feelings: there's no need to do that, is there? "Look, there's nothing more I can tell you about it just now, things have not changed, I'll tell you if anything does, until then, can we leave it?"

Original poster

Mrsfrumble · 02/10/2014 21:29

Unfortunately even that would probably upset my mum. They have form for this; when my brother was struggling to find a job after graduating they would ask him if there was "any news on the job front?" every time they spoke, and in the end he told them they would be the first to know when there was, but could they please stop asking in the mean time? My mum took offense and they only kept asking because they care!

Like I say, they mean well but don't seem to grasp that repeatedly asking about some things can be tactless and annoying.

OP posts:

SquinkiesRule · 02/10/2014 22:54

Tell them you are home schooling and play some games with them each day and have story time and other things that go on at Preschool.
My middle child never went, the place near us closed a month before he was old enough to go and next was an hours drive away (Very rural) We spent each day together, went for play dates and swam, then did lots of stories and he learned to read using Hooked on Phonics.

skylark2 · 02/10/2014 23:02

I'd be tempted to tell them he's on a waiting list.

If he's nearly 4 and state provision starts at 4, isn't it about to become a non-issue anyway?

ClapHandsIfYouBelieveInFatties · 02/10/2014 23:03

Sounds like my mum! She'd have palpitations in this situation too! Don't lie. Just say "Oh no, well it's more the norm to either send them full time or go to lots of playgroups. As the full time slots are all gone, we've opted for lots of playgroups...he's making loads of friends!"

ILovePud · 02/10/2014 23:08

You don't have to justify yourself OP. This could end up as a very tangled web, especially if you have to involve your DS in lying and end up having to invent a whole curriculum and cast of characters to address their follow up questions. This appears to be a symptom of a wider problem so this would only be a sticking plaster solution anyway, I'd do as other's have suggested and tell them the truth and then refuse to be drawn into any more conversations. They may mean well and they make take offense, you can't control that and you can't live in fear of offending them because you don't want to do what they want you to. Inventing a preschool to placate them is crazy and won't address the wider pattern of behaviour.

mausmaus · 02/10/2014 23:12

yanbu
my parents just don't 'get' that the school system in england is very different to that in their country and that, no, I can't defer dc until they are 7.
every. single. phone. call.
I sort of go lalalala finger in ears and change the subject.

Isabeller · 02/10/2014 23:20

this isn't the only free online preschool

just a thought :)

greenbananas · 02/10/2014 23:25

You can't tell them deliberate untruths - that way madness lies, as well as very bad consequences for every body.

Such a shame you can't just discuss this with them.

Isabeller · 03/10/2014 00:06

Realised my post wasn't clear.

Have a look at chalk preschool online there are others too!

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 03/10/2014 00:28

Are you sure they are that bothered? It's probably more you discussed you're worries when the pre-school fell though so they think you are concerned and would like to get him into pre-school.

Next time just say I've decided not to bother with pre-school now. We do lots of (playgroups or whatever) so he gets to meet lots of kids his own age through that. Probably that will close the topic completely.

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