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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think singledom forever may be the best choice..

17 replies

DippyDooDahDay · 02/10/2014 18:56

Divorced, two young ds, crappy ex who provides no support of any kind apart from the odd couple of (supervised) trips out.( Misogynistic to a T.)

I have tried ...had a lovely male friend but I did not fancy him. Dropped me when knew it would never go further. Stressful job and one ds has aspergers. I don't think I have anymore in me to give! Do other people out there think it's unreasonable to literally write off any future intimate relationships? I feel frisky a couple of days a month, but it can overlook that!

I am not depressed, but am stressed. My parents are brilliantly supportive but edging to their seventies. Is it irresponsible of me to decide to actively not want another man in my life?

OP posts:

Smilesandpiles · 02/10/2014 19:16

No one can tell you how to live your life.

If you don't want another man in your life, then don't have one. No one can tell you otherwise and your kids won't really be missing out on anything at all.

It's not irrisponsible, it's your life and your decision to make and only yours.

Smilesandpiles · 02/10/2014 19:17

irresponsible*

MardyBra · 02/10/2014 19:18

Forever is a long time.

It sounds like yanbu in the short term though.

LiviaDruscillaAugusta · 02/10/2014 19:21

I have been celibate (no physical or emotional contact) for nearly 14 yrs now (since I was 30) and it is honestly the best decision I ever made. It isn't for everyone though - mine is permanent and that's what I want but there is nothing wrong with just taking a break if that's what you want. It is something that people can find hard.

3mum · 02/10/2014 20:27

Nope, I think it is a great idea. I choose not to have any other relationships after my marriage broke down and I have three friends of varying ages who made the same choice (decades ago in two cases). I can't see any of us changing that.

Personally, I don't have the time, headspace or inclination for a relationship (I also have an aspie DS and that is a factor, but the main driver comes from me). I have a very busy life with work, children and social life with my friends. I am not willing to compromise any of that for another relationship. I also could not even contemplate sharing my house with another bloke!

Original poster

DippyDooDahDay · 02/10/2014 20:36

Thanks ladies xx

OP posts:

textingdisaster · 02/10/2014 21:15

Livia do you mind me asking why you made that decision. My relationship is or feels as if it is on its last legs and I can't imagine

textingdisaster · 02/10/2014 21:19

Sorry meeting anybody else if / when we split, but to say never again feels very sad (for me). However I do think it's a real possibility. I feel cheated in an odd kind of way as h is my first and only relationship. Am now 45 and feel sad that I may never know a truly equal, open and loving partnership.

LiviaDruscillaAugusta · 02/10/2014 21:24

texting I did the relationship thing, (2.5 years) and split in 1998 when I was 28. Decided that I didn't want another emotional relationship (it wasn't particularly traumatic, I just cba). So I had lots of drunken ONS for a couple of years, putting myself in potentially dodgy situations and one morning woke up with a stranger next to me as per usual and just realised that the ONS thing had run its course too. I decided that I didn't want sex either any more and that I was going to give it up.

Last time was December 2000 and I haven't been near a man since! Nor will I ever get involved again - people can be a bit odd about it but it's a choice I made, and it was the right one.

textingdisaster · 02/10/2014 21:35

Thanks Livia. I guess we are brainwashed by society etc. to believe that we can only be really happy in a couple.

Dippy I think it's more than fine to remain single for as long as you like. It would free a lot of energy I think, not having the constant worry a. re. finding the relationship and b. making it work!

manicinsomniac · 02/10/2014 21:40

YANBU

I can't imagine ever wanting a relationship or to live with an adult ever again.

I have three daughters (2 as the result of a nightmare non relationship - international so no further contact or support) and a baby due to a really stupid drunk mistake that, to my eternal shame, I have no memory of!! The idea of a functional adult relationship is completely foreign to me.

Sometimes I feel like I am letting my children down as I do think it's important to have strong role models of both genders in their lives and instinctively feel that 2 parent households are somehow better. But as all my children are girls and I have some great male friends I don't think they'll really lose out too much.

You've got to live your life in the way that makes you happy really. If that's singledom - not a problem imo!

Smilesandpiles · 02/10/2014 21:48

Because I can't be bothered with it all.

I can honestly think of thousands of things I'd rather be doing, spending my money and time on, than a relationship.

It really is a case of I just can't be bothered and I'm so much happier now than I have ever been.

LiviaDruscillaAugusta · 02/10/2014 21:49

Yes we are 'supposed to' settle down, have children etc - I always knew from very young that I didn't want to have children either. I have found it really liberating in a way (although I had a lot of the 'you will change your mind' etc at first!)

JeanSeberg · 02/10/2014 22:01

Oh I like this thread as this me too! Totally happy and love my life.

Can sometimes feel like I doth protest too much when explaining it to friends though! Do you find that too?

CatKisser · 02/10/2014 22:14

You are NOT being unreasonable.
I have been single for years, apart from FWBs, ONSs, etc. I adore living alone - the lack of stress is unreal.
Last night the current beau returned from a trip and dropped by at midnight. He meant to be romantic - I was just irritated at having my sleep disturbed and having to move the cats off the bed! He's fantastic in bed and lovely, but I honestly think alone is the best way. Won't be giving up sex though, just the possibility of a relationship.

Momagain1 · 02/10/2014 22:30

It is only irresponsible if you somehow feel a man is somehow a required element of your family. Which is completely not true. Far MORE responsible to sort your self respect and confidence. Love yourself for a while.

silverstreak · 02/10/2014 22:34

YANBU..... I find relationships incredibly stressful as I find it really hard to compromise, plus have definite ideas of how I think things should be (ie I'm a bit of a selfish stubborn sod!), but contrarily I also love doing things for other people, and like to try to put others first/consider their feelings/views whenever I can.... Finding a partner with similar values/views has so far proven impossible! I agree that it is surely easier not to stress yourself trying if you're happy was you are..... If others have a problem with it they can look the other way! :)

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