To ask for your help in getting past this

[ohweeeell]

OK, this is going to come across really petty, and it is, but I need to get past this, I am driving myself nuts.

DH & I have 1 DD, I gave up my full time job and got a part time, one day per week job, DH gets 2 days off mid week so we have a day off all together and he looks after DD when I am at work on second day.

SIL & BIL have 1 DD, SIL has gone back to work 4 days and her PIL look after their DD while she is at work.

What's the problem? My ILs constantly going on about how hard SIL works & offering babysitting, and help because "SIL works you know!". In all honestly, its putting me off going to Sunday lunches, etc. my DH works at weekends so I have to sit there myself, listen to them praise SIL and jump to offer to help her at any given opportunity. As an example SIL mentioned she had a work trip coming up so MIL said immediately, "oh I'll take her next Sunday so you can pack in peace for your trip" BIL is also off at the weekend so he could easily entertain their DD while SIL packs, but MIL was insistent on looking after DGD for 6 hours so she could pack for a 2 day work trip!?

We are never offered help because we "don't need it" and I "don't work". Giving up my former job was really hard for me, I have lost a lot of confidence & do feel a bit useless but it is the best situation for our family. I know some might say to stop going but as DH works weekends, I don't have the option to tell him to go instead, and I go for DD's benefit, to spend time with her GPs/Aunt/Uncle/Cousin. Don't want her missing out on that because of me . I do suspect MILs offers of help are to keep up with SILs PIL who have their DD 4 days per week.

Do you see then every weekend? Is there an option to do alternate weekends to give yourself a bit of a break from the in-laws? I can understand why you would be annoyed by their comments but I think it's a case of the squeaky wheel gets the grease. You have childcare sorted between you and your DH whereas your BIL and SIL are more dependent on your PIL for childcare, which is why the PIL are more focused on their working hours and arrangements. As your PIL are annoying you already, just be grateful that they don't have to be more involved in your childcare arrangements! It may not be an enviable position to be in! Maybe just mention your job in conversation a few times when they ask how your week has been to remind them that you work too.

Well with all due respect you only work one day a week. If your gripe was that you WANTED to work more but they weren't helping with childcare as they do SIL, then you might have something to complain about.

Have you told them you need help? If you haven't then you need to do that. Ask them but please, do not make it sound like you're doing them a favour. That is what my brother and SIL do and it's irritating.

Agree that it may be an idea not to go every single weekend if you don't want to. Once or twice a month? Make yourselves a little less accessible and do other things at the weekend.

In all fairness you work only one day compared to her four days. 4 days a week is really a full on week. Do you think you are maybe projecting your feelings rather than the situation if your SIL actually needing the help a bit more?

Agree with Topaz - she makes some good points.

Are you happy with your arrangements? Do you want to ask MIL for help? If not, then if you are at lunch, really the best way to deal with this is to grit your teeth, smile and nod, smile and nod. Say nothing, have no opinion on this subject, other than to grunt agreement that yes, SIL does work hard. Then when the conversation peters out, change the subject.

I think you are being a little over sensitive here. It sounds like what she is saying is factually correct, you don't need her help. Are you actually happy with the set up you have? If not could you look at changing it somehow, and maybe see if MIL would assist with that? She may be happy to be needed by you as well.

Thanks, presently lunch is approx once per month, not set in stone but this is how it works out, I have made myself 'busy' a couple of times to avoid it.

I had to give up my full time job because the childcare costs were greater than my salary, both my parents and ILs work full time so could not assist with childcare (not that I would expect it). I took a job that I could work when my husband is off so that I could still have a job (my previous job would not lend itself to me working 1 or 2 days per week while my husband was off)

For clarity it is my SILs PIL who do the 4 days per week childcare not my ILs, though I think my ILs feel the need to keep up with the other grandparents and offer babysitting at every opportunity.

I do remind myself that we are lucky we don't have others interfering, etc. We do ask for babysitting if we have an evening out planned, we don't do this often, think ILs have babysat twice this year and I did once ask MIL to babysit so I could go to a class at the gym one Sunday (a friend was recently qualified as instructor and wanted a big turn out) though I was asked when I would be back and reminded she has things to do as she "works all week". There seems to be this impression with them that I have given up work, I have had to give up a job I liked in a place where I felt confident and had a good group of friends but could not afford to stay on as childcare & commute costs were more than my salary. And I now have a new job 1 day per week and hope to increase that as DD goes to nursery/school.

This isn't really about childcare, is it OP? It's about your 'rating'/regard that your PIL's hold you/your family in.

If that's the case then I think you and your husband need to see where you both are on this page - and take it up with your PILs, tell them how it makes you feel and what you need to not feel this way.

Just to add, I full agree that I am likely very over sensitive about this and projecting my feelings.

I didn't want to give up my job that I enjoyed but I had to as it was my only option.

ILs made it clear they would not want to be relied upon for regular childcare, fair enough, neither do my parents, again, fine.

So our options are to pay for childcare, or manage it between us, we are managing and it is fine, I do miss my job and I feel I have lost a big part of myself. So yes, I am likely projecting those feelings, but when I am there and they harp on about how hard it is for them when they get help offered from both sets of parents i find it quite hard, i would love to be working more in my job i enjoyed but the sums didn't work.