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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

If you don't cook, can you have an opinion about the food?

31 replies

Thurlow · 01/10/2014 15:37

I might be being completely unreasonable here. Am girding for a potential flaming...

DP does 90% of the cooking. Much of this is because he enjoys cooking (he's a genuinely good cook, everything homemade from scratch) and enjoys eating nice food, whereas I'm not a particularly great cook and also have much less interest in food. But a large part of it is that he is the one at home in time to cook dinner, either getting home with DD about 4 or spending the day at home with her. I get home at 6.45 and do bathtime and bedtime while he's cooking dinner to be ready when I've got DD in bed. I cook sometimes - I can not murder a stew or bolognese at least - but even on the rare times when I'm at home and he's at work he'll offer to cook when he gets back.

Which is a waffly way of saying that a) most of the time it's more practical for him to cook, and b) he prefers eating his cooking to mind (and I really don't blame him )

Last night he made something slightly different. It was very nice. I thanked him for it (I promise I'm very good at thanking him for dinner!), he asked what I thought of the new thing, and I said it was very nice. Then I mentioned that I also like that thing done a slightly different way too. He seemed disappointed at this comment.

I didn't mean to criticise his cooking at all as it is always delicious and believe me, I am very grateful that I get most of my meals cooked for me, but I think that's how it might have come across to him! So - if you're not the one doing the cooking, for whatever reason, are you allowed to have an opinion on food or not?

(In the spirit of covering all potential bases the housework including cooking is shared pretty much 50/50 according to what it's easier or we prefer doing - he might do all the cooking, but I do most of the cleaning etc)

OP posts:

Behoove · 01/10/2014 15:41

You weren't being rude so yes. Being rude about the food when you don't or won't cook is entirely different.

Kundry · 01/10/2014 15:43

Yes, but tactfully.

I do 100% of the cooking. I like cooking and I like experimenting and DH gets zero input into what I choose to make on any given day. But I do get fed up sometimes of being the only cook although I am never fed up of him always doing the dishes instead of me

However just like I'd rather have some nice feedback if it is nice (he used to just eat it in silence which gave me the rage), I'd like to know what is and isn't his favourite etc. If somethings gone wrong, I usually point it out first as well.

Problems arise for us in that the non-cook has no idea what takes skill and what doesn't - so some lovingly prepared dishes have been sorely underappreciated and random crap out of a tin has had glowing reviews.

I'd like your comment as then I'd know I can do both dishes again and find them appreciated.

EyesCrossedLegsAkimbo · 01/10/2014 15:46

I do all the cooking. If DH said that was nice but have you thought of doing x to it, I'd be happy to listen.

Wait until your DD starts commenting on his food. Children do not do tact.

wowfudge · 01/10/2014 15:46

Kundry - you struck a chord. DP raves about crap out of tins/ready meals. I think his taste buds were destroyed by years of heating stuff up instead of learning to cook!

writtenguarantee · 01/10/2014 15:48

of course you are allowed to have an opinion on the food. Furthermore, you should be allowed to express that opinion. Wouldn't he be more hurt if you politely just ate some dish for years and he later found out you didn't like it?

DP and I split the cooking (not quite evenly, but let's say evenly). I think we both feel free to express how we felt about the food. I think it helps if most of the comments are positive (in our case yes) but it's good to know when some dish could be improved.

AMumInScotland · 01/10/2014 15:52

I'm the one who cooks in our house, and I have no problem at all in DH expressing an opinion about it, good or bad, or suggesting other things.

I'd rather know if a meal is the best thing he's ever tasted / quite nice / actually didn't work so well as when I do x or y with it.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 01/10/2014 15:52

Was it something like he poached some salmon and you said I enjoyed some that was pan fried in a restaurant once? If so I think that's fine as long as you haven't been critical of what he has cooked.

skylark2 · 01/10/2014 15:52

I think what you said sounds completely reasonable. But it's dead easy for something to sound completely reasonable in your head and awful in someone else's ears, if you know what I mean?

I would say to him, "I've been thinking about it, I hope you don't think I didn't like what you cooked yesterday, I really liked it, let's have it again sometime. But I like (other way of cooking it) too, let's not only do the new way."

Your household arrangements sound a bit like ours, though I do relatively more of the cooking than you do. We just about always discuss a new recipe afterwards whoever made it - whether we like it more or less than other ways of cooking that food, whether it would be better with or without something, whether we'd make it again...

cherrybombxo · 01/10/2014 15:53

I've been with my DP for over two years and he heated up stuffed pasta and a jar of Tesco sauce made me dinner for the first time last week. I do all of the food shopping and cooking, he makes no effort when it comes to meal planning, always shrugs and insists that whatever I choose is fine, but then moans if he doesn't like how I've cooked it. He also changes his mind randomly ("I'm not a fan of boiled potatoes anymore..." being the latest) It's infuriating!

I don't think you were rude though, it was a perfectly reasonable comment!

Kundry · 01/10/2014 15:57

Thanks wowfudge. It took us many arguments to establish why he was so rudely unimpressed when I'd made gravy or custard from scratch - because he thought both came from powder or tins and mine tasted 'weird', um no, they tasted how they are supposed to taste!

There are advantages though. He cheerfully announced, after I'd asked him if there was anything he didn't eat, 'Well obviously uncooked eggs'. No, that wasn't obvious especially as he'd just demolished a lovely lemon mousse made with, you've guessed it, uncooked eggs. He has no idea what anything is made of.

combust22 · 01/10/2014 16:00

Sounds like he is a bit pissed off at having to do all the cooking.

Original poster

Thurlow · 01/10/2014 16:04

Cherry, that''s what my "making a meal" would probably be like

It was chips, of all things. He always makes wedges. Fine. He cooks, he prefers wedges. He'd done something different (and nice) with them and I mentioned that I also like fries too.

He's not annoyed at doing all the cooking; he enjoys it and enjoys the food he makes. If he was annoyed at doing it all I know he'd say!

Glad I wasn't being overly unreasonable. I rarely say anything as he makes such nice food and it is lovely having dinner made for me most nights. In fact I often say I like something when it wasn't entirely my taste - he does the meal planning, most of the shopping and the cooking, so I don't really feel like it is my place to say much about it (Not that he ever makes anything he knows I wouldn't like)

OP posts:

combust22 · 01/10/2014 16:06

I am a bit like your OH, OP.

I live with my mother- I do all the cooking. Yesterday she sat though a lovely roast chicken meal reading a newspaper at the table.

Bloody cheek.

cherrybombxo · 01/10/2014 16:09

Thurlow it was very nice, don't get me wrong! It felt nice not cooking

Ooh, I'm a wedges person so I'd be upset with you too

lottiegarbanzo · 01/10/2014 16:21

But he asked you what you thought. He must have expected an answer!

Left unprompted you'd have said 'lovely, thank you' but he really wanted to know your thoughts, not hear grateful flattery, so he asked you!

SaucyJack · 01/10/2014 16:32

I think it's perfectly reasonable for the non-cook to politely express an opinion.

Doesn't stop me telling DP that he knows where the fucking kitchen is if he thinks he can do better tho.

Original poster

Thurlow · 01/10/2014 16:34

Saucy

OP posts:

amigababy · 01/10/2014 16:37

I'm vegetarian and do all the cooking, so often its 2 separate meals on a night. I have to have dh's opinion on the meat etc or I wouldn't know if it tasted ok.

Bulbasaur · 01/10/2014 16:52

We have the same thing at our house. DH is a fantastic cook and does all the cooking. I do the dishes though, so it's pretty evenly split.

DH asks how it was and I tell the truth. He gets upset too sometimes if I didn't like something, unless he was experimenting. But then he makes the next dish better and it tastes great.

He'll involve me with the meal planning and I'll find him new recipes to try.

I do get kicked out of the kitchen though because there's ingredients I really don't like, but when added to the dish it brings the whole thing together. So sometimes I see him cooking with them and whine ask him why he's cooking with those. I'm banished until the meal is ready (and yes it always tastes good despite the weird ingredients he uses).

JennyOfOldstones · 01/10/2014 17:00

My DP does no cooking but is adamant that if he did, he would be better than me. His favourite meal is anything with chips and beans. The other day he looked at his plate and asked me 'is this a substantial meal?' He once rang me at my mums to ask how to cook pasta.

Original poster

Thurlow · 01/10/2014 17:05

Oh, I'm under no illusions that my cooking is about a 2/10 compared to his 8/10! I just leave the kitchen and clear up later

OP posts:

writtenguarantee · 02/10/2014 12:03

I see that many here some rather annoyed at being criticised by someone who can't cook and has rather poor taste in food. Yeah, I would find that rather annoying too. if all you can really say is more chips, beans and salt, then maybe it best to go out and try some different food and get some perspective.

it of course really helps if the person criticising has both constructive and SENSIBLE comments. I really respect what DP has to say; we have similar (though not exactly the same) tastes, and I often agree with the criticisms.

writtenguarantee · 02/10/2014 12:07

I should say that my initial reaction to what some people were saying (essentially, shut up and eat!), sounds very confining. while there is a big burden on the cook, I wouldn't like to be in a position in my own home where food was made and I was told to like it or else. Even if I didn't cook I wouldn't like it. The flip side of course if you have nothing meaningful or constructive to say, you may put yourself in that hole.

MehsMum · 02/10/2014 12:14

DH cooks quite a lot at weekends and I cook during the week.

Once, when the DC were small and I was rushed off my feet, he moaned that it spag bol again it was outstanding spag bol, because mine just is. He got a bit of an arse-kicking for that, since it was something which everyone ate, was quick and easy to sling together, and could be made in a big batch so there was lots leftover for dinner a few evenings later.

Now that I am less rushed, I take replies like, 'Well, it's nice but it's a bit bland' much better, but I still get pissed off when he puts hot chilli sauce on a curry he hasn't even tasted yet. One day he will blow his head off.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 02/10/2014 12:27

Everyone's a critic in our house, (DP and 4 kids). Not necessarily in a negative way but they do discuss my food at every meal, (and DS(8) does a very good Paul Hollywood impression, "That's a great bake la").

To be honest I just go with the flow. The eldest two cook occasionally now, we criticise them too.

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